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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being upset that my husband spends time with his family who do not support our marriage?

30 replies

TT901x · 18/07/2019 17:51

His family are quite dysfunctional and controlling and all in each others business with no boundaries. They don’t respect that he is married now and feel they should still come first. They have treated me with disrespect, ignoring me at times and speaking badly about me, and have tried to drive a wedge between my husband and I and really turn him against me. He wasn’t sticking up for me because he was scared of them so I have had to distance myself from them.

He has since apologised for his past behaviour over the past few years, and continues to see his family twice a week often going places with them. I do not go because they are toxic and I feel uncomfortable in their presence. He says he won’t let them cause an issue again (they definitely will as they guilt trip and manipulate him and he can’t handle it), and he has said that I have to accept he will continue his relationship with his family and see them twice a week. And that instead of focusing on them I should focus on us.

I have felt hurt and betrayed over the past few years and it has really taken its toll on our marriage. I wondered if I am being unreasonable and should just accept the situation and that he will spend time with them, and that the best revenge is a life well lived? Or are my feelings warranted and that it is not healthy for him to spend so much time with people who don’t support our marriage and have driven a wedge between us?

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 18/07/2019 18:13

Yabu.

You've done the right thing by stopping seeing them yourself, but it's very controlling of you to try and stop your husband seeing his family. He's got every right to spend time with his family.

If they aren't doing anything wrong just now, then it seems pointless causing a problem by having unrealistic expectations of your dh.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 18/07/2019 18:57

I think him seeing them without you is fair enough but twice a week seems excessive, particularly if you have children at some point.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/07/2019 19:06

YABVU. His family will always be his family whereas the reality is spouses can come and go. It would be a huge red flag for me if a partner thought I shouldn’t spend time with my family.

Your choice to not see them but his choice should be his own to make.

ChicCroissant · 18/07/2019 19:12

I also think it's fine for him to see them without you if you don't want to go.

His comment about focusing on yourselves rather than them does make me wonder if you give him grief every time he sees them! If you do, try not to although it can be easier said than done.

Greensleeves · 18/07/2019 19:13

The trouble is you haven't given us any indication of what it is these people do that is "toxic" or "manipulative". Which behaviours are you objecting to?

Again with "they don't support our marriage". What does that mean? How and why would you like them to support your marriage? Do you mean that they openly oppose your marriage and actively encourage DH to divorce you? Or is it that you feel that all other relationships should come second to The Marriage, at all times and in all places? Because that's not reasonable.

Crazycrazylady · 18/07/2019 22:34

Yabu

How would you feel if he asked you to stop seeing your family. They might not like or have been kind to you and you are absolutely right to go nc with them, but you can't stop him nor should you try as it will definitely be the end of your relationship.

HappyInMyCave · 18/07/2019 22:38

Yabu

If you stop him from seeing his family you become the controlling one.

sincethereis · 18/07/2019 22:39

YABU.

He should be allowed to see his family

1stmonkey · 18/07/2019 22:44

I find this a difficult one. Of course you want your husband to support you and be on your side. But you have to accept that he wants a relationship with his family and you have no right to interfere with that.
I would say you've made yourself clear. You have cut ties with them and don't have to see them. And yes, you do have to accept that he still wants to spend time with them.
They can only drive a wedge into your marriage if you let them. In trying to make your husband choose between you, you will lose out.

AutumnCrow · 18/07/2019 22:48

What's wrong with them? What do they do to poss you off?

SagAloojah · 18/07/2019 23:10

Of course he should spend time with them if he wants to.

You say he sees them twice a week, how long for each time? If it’s all day twice a week then that’s not fair to you, but if it’s for a few hours then they’ fine.

Verily1 · 18/07/2019 23:15

Need more info op

TwistyTop · 18/07/2019 23:38

Twice a week sounds like loads to me, especially considering the back story. This sounds like one of those scenarios where just seeing them occasionally ought to be enough.

Still, it's ultimately his choice. You would be out of order to stop him from seeing his family. Besides, they would then have lots of ammo against you because they would call you controlling and say you're taking him away from his family, and it would actually be true. So I wouldn't go down this road.

scaryteacher · 18/07/2019 23:57

Just look at it as a couple of nights a week where you can do what you want, so see friends, watch what you want on TV, do whatever you like, without him interfering. The trick is to be totally disinterested in what he has done when he gets back; change the conversation if he starts to talk about his family...yawn, pick your nose, start snoring...whatever it takes to get him to shut up about them, or just totally ignore what he has said about them. Once it has sunk in that you aren't interested in them and are filling the time he is away very nicely thank you, the attitude will change.

Yeahnahmum · 19/07/2019 00:32

Make sure not to procreate with this man ...

CherryPavlova · 19/07/2019 00:38

It’s not his family that sounds controlling, to be honest.Why on earth should he not see his relatives?

OooErMissus · 19/07/2019 02:13

YABVU. You can't stop someone from seeing their family!

But in all honesty, is it worth it??

I have dumped men for way, way less than a toxic family that I can't even be around. Confused

Gatepost1820 · 19/07/2019 02:13

I think him seeing his family separately from you is a fair compromise for him. He is stuck between the people he loves who don't get on with each other.

It is controlling and emotionally abusive of you to stop his contact with his blood family. If you can't live with this situation then walk away before you have children. It will become a lot more complicated once children arrive. This situation isn't working for you so you should end it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/07/2019 02:54

Yabu, although twice a week is quite a lot.

IceCreamSoda99 · 19/07/2019 06:19

Twice a week seems excessive to me but neither my parent or IL live nearby, but probably need more details of what that entails, e.g. does he pop to his mum's for a couple of hours after work each time or is he gone all evening until very late. Is this a new thing or was it going on before you were married and you hoped he would cut down on time once married? Be honest with yourself if you liked them would you begrudge him this time with his family?

Preggosaurus9 · 19/07/2019 06:19

YABU for marrying him when you knew this was an issue!

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 19/07/2019 06:22

Don't have children with him.

Honestly if I had no children and my DH acted like this, i'd end the marriage.

Why do you stay?

RichPetunia · 19/07/2019 06:28

He should see his family and when he returns home you need to be nice. Otherwise, you will drive a wedge between you and your husband with your attitude. I don't mean that in a horrid way but if he comes back and you are resentful, he'd surely be more inclined to want to be with his family and then you'll only feel worse.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 19/07/2019 06:32

Also a grown adult seeing his family socially twice a week every week seems really odd to me, even if everyone is lovely and gets along great.

Do they live locally? How long are these visits? Do they come to your home as well?

It seems quite childish to be so enmeshed with his family of origin considering that he is a grown man with a wife.

TidyDancer · 19/07/2019 06:50

You can't control him seeing his family and if you try to that makes you worse than them. You have every right to not be involved with them yourself, but you can't make that choice for your DH.