AIBU for being upset that my husband spends time with his family who do not support our marriage?

[TT901x]

His family are quite dysfunctional and controlling and all in each others business with no boundaries. They don’t respect that he is married now and feel they should still come first. They have treated me with disrespect, ignoring me at times and speaking badly about me, and have tried to drive a wedge between my husband and I and really turn him against me. He wasn’t sticking up for me because he was scared of them so I have had to distance myself from them.

He has since apologised for his past behaviour over the past few years, and continues to see his family twice a week often going places with them. I do not go because they are toxic and I feel uncomfortable in their presence. He says he won’t let them cause an issue again (they definitely will as they guilt trip and manipulate him and he can’t handle it), and he has said that I have to accept he will continue his relationship with his family and see them twice a week. And that instead of focusing on them I should focus on us.

I have felt hurt and betrayed over the past few years and it has really taken its toll on our marriage. I wondered if I am being unreasonable and should just accept the situation and that he will spend time with them, and that the best revenge is a life well lived? Or are my feelings warranted and that it is not healthy for him to spend so much time with people who don’t support our marriage and have driven a wedge between us?

I think the best thing is to accept that they are his family, he will probably always want to spend time with them. Twice a week is quite a lot, but still normal for a lot of families. You’ve done the right thing for yourself by distancing yourself from them, so try to see his relationship with his family as something totally separate from you that you don’t need to be involved in.

Rich The OP doesn't need to be 'nice' fgs, she needs to demonstrate her utter indifference to and boredom with his family and his visits to them. She needs to shut him down when he talks about them, so none of her headspace is given over to them, and so that they don't permeate her home.

Icily cold, and utter boredom when they are mentioned is th he way to go.

Its reasonable for him to see them without you. If they really are toxic and abusive then it's still going to be hard for him to stop seeing them, he's so used to their behaviour and to him it seems normal. Don't make him feel he has to choose between you right now but support him in his interactions with them.

What do you mean by not supporting your marriage?

Personally, I dont think you can or should control his relationship with his family.

If he is letting them cause issues, that can only happen because of him.

Yabu. Sounds like it's you wit the issues not them. You want to control access to his family, why? You could have built a relationship but chose not to because "he didn't put you first" though you don't elaborate on what that means - it then escalated.