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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd, struggling with her

26 replies

Lostthepost · 17/07/2019 22:36

Any advice for how to deal with my dd? She’s 10 and is a very strong personality. She is an angel at school but a total nightmare at home. She orders my ds about, he’s 14 and just takes it. Trying to get control of his gaming things. She won’t go to bed, still awake at 1015pm most nights. Refuses to sleep in her own bed, insisting on sleeping in my bed. I’m on my own, ds has ASD, dh works away. I try to give her my time, girly shopping trips, little facials together etc watch her at her clubs etc. She swears at me, tells me I’m ugly and fat. She’s called me a c#nt. I don’t use language like that. I don’t know where she’s getting it from. Tbh, I’m starting to feel a bit scared of her. She’s in puberty but this has been going on for a while, taken her to the gp but no help there. Any ideas where I’m going wrong? I don’t know what to do, feel like a crap parent

OP posts:

Moomin12345 · 17/07/2019 22:39

I don't know. Maybe it's a personality disorder? I know someone utterly pointlessly relentlessly vicious and I've always wondered why she's that way. We seem to be born ready-made, parents may take credit for some of our qualities, but there are many innate things that can't be changed.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 17/07/2019 22:39

She’s 10? If my dd called me a fat cunt she’d be grounded and her phone taken away. You need a serious talk with her. Lay down ground rules. Or else she’ll walk all over you when she’s 15...

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 17/07/2019 22:42

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I wasn’t quite at this level but I was a bit of a dickhead when I hit puberty at around this age and do remember making my mum cry once when I said she looked like an “old lady in that dress” or something similarly charming. I just remember being permanantly pissed off and angry for about 18months before my periods started.... looking back it was definitely hormones. It did stop as soon as I started my periods at 12.

I would advise you just keep being nice to her. That’s what my mum and dad did.... didn’t matter how moody I was, they kept (irritatingly) smiley and jolly. If I was outright naughty/rude I was appropriately punished but for the most part they just ignored my prickery and even amused themselves (and my sister) by nicknaming me “Moaning Minnie”. Good luck, it will end.

And FWIW I’m very worried about karma getting its revenge when my now 2&4yo get to this age 😂

Original poster

Lostthepost · 17/07/2019 22:43

I know I need to lay the law down. I just have tonight. So tired of her behaviour. Reading my post back, I’m embarrassed of the situation I’m in, how the hell did this happen? It seems like a constant battle and she makes such a drama out of everything.....

OP posts:

Tolleshunt · 17/07/2019 22:45

What are the consequences for her when she speaks to you like that?

Kazplus2 · 17/07/2019 22:47

Crikey. I think you really need to develop a thick skin and come down very hard on her. When she insists she sleeps in your bed you tell her no that your bed is out of bounds. Personally I would be saying 'I don't care where you sleep but it's not in my bed'. If she refuses to go to bed then leave her to it and go to bed yourself, she will soon get bored. I agree re confiscating devices, and if that proves impossible then you can at least change the wifi password. Good luck!

Original poster

Lostthepost · 17/07/2019 22:47

I take her iPad, phone etc. When she called me a c#nt it was just before her birthday, so I cancelled her birthday party.

OP posts:

Tolleshunt · 17/07/2019 22:54

How does she react to that? And why did she call you a cunt? Is there any pattern to her outbursts, eg any regular triggers?

prawnsword · 17/07/2019 22:56

Wow...she sounds out of control & you sound overwhelmed. Am sorry, this sounds really difficult. I get a sense of passivity in your posts, you admit you are growing scared of her. She is ruling the roost. She insists on things & you are unable to say no. I am not sure why she is getting treats if her behaviour is like you say, but imagine she must be nice at least some of the time in order to have gotten said treats.

If she is 10 years old still up at 10.30pm maybe she could benefit from some kind of extra curricular sport activity ? Gymnastics ? Dancing ? She has too much energy. Or maybe she could go to bed at 8.30 & can read quietly until she goes to sleep ? So you aren’t forcing her to go to sleep, but she will be encouraged to monitor her own sleep schedule.

Can you not say “I love you but dislike your behaviour right now.”

Original poster

Lostthepost · 17/07/2019 22:56

No triggers that I can see. Full of apologies a bit later but it’s only a matter of time until she does it again. She got low self esteem and not much confidence, I try to be steadfast, tell her I’m proud when she behaves well etc. She gets very jealous of ds.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lostthepost · 17/07/2019 23:01

She does karate and she has done since she was four. She play hockey when its in season. I’m very weary of her. She’s always been quite a challenge, tbh, wouldn’t sleep as a baby, unruly toddler etc and I know she’s had to take a bit of a back seat as ds has ASD. I try to do nice things with her so she doesn’t feel left out.

OP posts:

Tolleshunt · 17/07/2019 23:04

I hate to ask, OP, but is there any chance she might have very high functioning ASD also? It’s just some of this sounds like meltdowns, and with the not sleeping.... it can look very different in girls.

HollowTalk · 17/07/2019 23:07

Do you feel she has any special needs?

Tallgreenbottle · 17/07/2019 23:14

Is it possible to get her assessed? That is exactly how my friend's daughter was presenting before her add/asd diagnosis.

ASD Girls generally present totally different to boys and can struggle immensely during puberty with it all.

prawnsword · 17/07/2019 23:18

It sounds like a lack of discipline to me. If you have been weary since she was a toddler, do you give into her to keep the peace? Spoil her because of guilt over her brother taking up more time ?

It strikes me as odd you describe her as an “unruly toddler”. Isn’t that what toddlers are? Unruly wild little beasts ?

As PPs say get her tested for high functioning autism but it sounds to me like a plan lack of discipline, strong-willed child & passive parenting. I think she needs you to be firmer, not more treats & sleeping in bed with mummy.

Original poster

Lostthepost · 17/07/2019 23:18

I’ve thought about ASD, raised it with my GP but she said no..... I know it presents differently in girls, think I might need to look into this. Dh won’t agree though

OP posts:

Littlefish · 17/07/2019 23:21

I agree with Tolleshunt and Tengreenbottles. If she is masking her behaviour at school all day, she is likely to be explosive at home.

Skandiminsk · 17/07/2019 23:23

Phew! Kids can be hard work sometimes!
They need rules, boundaries, to understand the consequences and be rewarded where necessary but they also need to know that you'll carry out that threat too. So if she uses bad language, take all electronic equipment off her for 24hrs, does it again then 48hrs etc. For bedtime, she has to be in her pj's by 7:30 & in her bedroom by 8pm. If she can stay in her room the entire night Then she can have some form or treat, if she can do this for 2 nights, she gets 50p, if she can do this for a week, a month etc. The trick is to break the cycle and you need to do this for a month. You decide on whether you want to give small daily treat or weekly treats and then the big monthly treat which she can suggest (cos it will be something she really wants). Good luck x

Original poster

Lostthepost · 17/07/2019 23:23

I agree that I have been too soft. I have tried to compensate her because of the time I’ve had to spend with ds. Regarding her as a toddler, in comparison to ds, she was much more of a challenge than he was. She was a biter, took months to potty train, that type of thing whereas ds was much more straight forward even though he had asd. Didn’t speak but quite placid. Not a good idea to compare I suppose but it just struck me how different she was,

OP posts:

Whatisthisfuckery · 17/07/2019 23:25

I’m getting into that stage with DS. He’s 11, and not in puberty yet, but still a moody mouthy little shit. Granted he’s never called me a fat cunt but there’s time.

I’m just trying to be firm in everything, boundaries, expectations and being loving and supportive. I’ve nothing helpful to offer as I’m just entering the evil stage as well, but let’s hope we can get through it.

Original poster

Lostthepost · 17/07/2019 23:28

Thank you for your advice. It has helped so much, sometimes so difficult to see where I’m going wrong. Needed to take a step back and to let the fog clear a little. Dh and I are kind and gentle, I just don’t want dd to be a fucking nightmare!!!

OP posts:

prawnsword · 17/07/2019 23:29

What happened when you cancelled her birthday? How did she react ? That is a pretty big consequence! Does she know that “no means no” ? To be swearing at you like that indicates a lack of respect. I know you can’t smack kids now but I would have anticipated a boot up the backside if I spoke to my parents that way as a kid. NOT saying to hit her! I just mean what consequence could she usually expect from such behaviour ?

Original poster

Lostthepost · 17/07/2019 23:33

I cancelled her party because she called me a fat ugly cunt. She was contrite. For a while. She has always tested me, she’s very bright and she knows how to upset me. I’ve never smacked her or my ds.

OP posts:

prawnsword · 17/07/2019 23:43

It sounds like your son is just placid & easygoing (more like you?) and your daughter is just a different personality who needs to be patented with firmer guidelines & discipline ? Everyone is individual. I reckon you got lucky with 1st kid being an easy one, the 2nd was a rude shock & is all those cliche nightmares - baby won’t sleep, strong-willed toddler, stroppy pre-teens....

I would be inclined to watch some super nanny episodes featuring strong willed pre-teens. You sound way over your head & like you could use some support! She is about to hit teenage years & this is only going to get worse so it’s great you’ve recognised this now

Tolleshunt · 17/07/2019 23:50

It sounds like she could do with some help to regulate her emotions. Have you read anything like ‘The Explosive Child’ or ‘How to talk so kids will listen’? Might be some helpful stuff in there. Also, so you offer rewards for good behaviour, like a pp mentioned?

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