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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my SIL is over the top with my nephews?

82 replies

ItsFunnyYouShouldAsk · 17/07/2019 20:28

My brother works away a lot abroad and is home probably one week a month. Him and my SIL have two boys, my dear nephews aged 9 and 5.

My SIL is a very enthusiastic mother shall we say, all of her social media accounts are just photos upon photos of my nephews and constant updates about them, in person it is impossible to have a conversation with her about anything other than the boys and at family gatherings if the conversation isn’t about my nephews she will always change the subject so the focus is on them. She also doesn’t allow any of our or her family to look after the boys, or have them overnight or take them on days out.

One thing that I find a bit unsettling is she insists on both the boys sleeping in her bed with her whilst my brother is away. She posts constantly on social media about how they are having “sleepovers in mummys bed” (like she posts this nightly whilst my brother is away) but the boys sleep in their own beds when my brother is home simply because there isn’t room for all of them together in one bed.

So AIBU to think this isn’t normal and SIL needs to stop smothering them? I know it’s not my place to say anything to her and I never would but interested to hear others opinions on this.

OP posts:

stuffedpeppers · 17/07/2019 21:24

Single Mum here - my DCs slept with me for a long time after EX left.
Part them and if I am honest part me - they both decided themselves when they were happy to sleep on their own but come a stressful time - I find a small tap on the shoulder and a body appears. Eldest is now 13 and exam time, a body arrived wrapped in a duvet and snuggles up to my back!

Security for all concerned - they grow out of it.

HarryElephante · 17/07/2019 21:24

She's close to her children. Oh, the humanity.

saraclara · 17/07/2019 21:29

But emotional neglect can also happen when a parent smothers a child - and uses their kids to meet their emotional needs, rather than providing emotional support for that child's actual needs.

Exactly. And it sounds as though that's what's happening here. The kis (especially the 9 year old) need space and a bit of independence. If SIL has nothing else in her life, and no topic of conversation other than them, those kids are going to either be stunted socially, or want to get out as fast as they can.

LilQueenie · 17/07/2019 21:31

So AIBU to think this isn’t normal and SIL needs to stop smothering them?

why are you judging her and asking here if you have no intention of saying something yet already decided she is in the wrong?

I give it 2 days before this hits the papers or magazines.

Lizzielocket · 17/07/2019 21:32

Not weird at all, my DC stayed most nights in my bed when I was a single mother and we lived very rurally. They remember it as happy times.
YABU

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt · 17/07/2019 21:32

They live in a detached 3 bed cottage in the middle of nowhere, no immediate neighbours

so it feels safer to have her kids in her bed?

Yes, she probably should try to encourage the 9 year old to sleep in his own bed. My 5 year old would live in my bed if I didn't kick them out!

You seem to forget how hard it can be to be in the middle of nowhere on your own. Some people find it more difficult than others.

HarryElephante · 17/07/2019 21:33

Exactly. And it sounds as though that's what's happening here

That's an extraordinary leap to come to this conclusion on the information we have.

Folks, take the internet with a pinch of salt.

justasking111 · 17/07/2019 21:34

Wow guess she finds no need for a rampant rabbit while OH is away then

GabsAlot · 17/07/2019 21:34

She sound smothering cant have a sleep over because she would miss her ds?

Shes not doing anyone any favours

LillithsFamiliar · 17/07/2019 21:39

Gosh OP you're funny. You've come here asking for opinions from people who don't know anyone involved. Then you get snarky if posters disagree with you. Keep going, I'm sure you have another 'incident' you forgot to mention until you realised most posters didn't agree with you.

Charlieandthechocolatecake · 17/07/2019 21:39

She loves her boys. She is protective of them. Nothing wrong with that in my opinion. As for them sleeping in her bed, I'd love for my 2 DS's to sleep in my bed every night, I just prefer my own space!

namechangeninjaevervigilant · 17/07/2019 21:39

To be fair to *lillithsfamiliar we all make assumptions about threads based on our own experiences. That’s pretty much the point of any Internet forum - to get the opinions of people whose life is different to ours.

I think you are doing very well on this OP. It’s not a total whitewash, a fair number of people agree with you so it seems unnecessary to get a little snippy with someone whose opinion and experience of this situation doesn’t chime with yours.

sockatoe · 17/07/2019 21:42

YANBU. It sounds like particularly the eldest would benefit from a little more independence and possibly even privacy. If he's starting to miss out socially because his mummy will miss his cuddles, it's possibly getting to the time that something was said. Perhaps your brother could start taking him/them out without her occasionally when he's home? Perhaps she's lonely and could do with some social interaction or a hobby without the kids herself? That might be a kinder way round. She's heading for either a big fall when they want to spend more time with their peers or she'll have sad, bullied children who are mocked because they're not allowed out.
No actual problem with kids who want to be in bed with parents though - but it sounds like this is for her benefit not theirs

Onceuponatime21 · 17/07/2019 21:45

I think she posts a lot on social media because her husband is away, she wants him to see them, and her family too. Her kids sleep in her bed because they want to - having their DF away so much is probably a bit unsettling for them, and this is how they all cope with that. That her eldest DS probably didn't want the sleepover, but felt embarrassed, so she's taking the blame so he doesn't have to have judgemental in laws asking why he hasn't had a sleepover yet.

I also bet she's probably really nice and would be mortified to see a thread accusing her of basically being too loving towards her kids.

TheBouquets · 17/07/2019 21:48

Maybe she feels vulnerable being alone with the DCs in a remote house miles from anywhere. Maybe she feels that if they are all in one room they could be safer together.
Maybe she resents DH for going away and leaving her alone with the DC while he goes various places.
Only my thoughts but perhaps a consideration.

choli · 17/07/2019 22:11

My mother used to make at least one of us sleep with her every night after my father passed away. She did it for years. I hated it. I had to put my foot down when I was 12.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/07/2019 22:23

TheBouquets
You may well be right. But as an adult she is choosing to live there. The children don’t get that choice. They should be allowed to sleep where they choose - either with mum or in their beds. That is unless there is a big drip feed they were burgled and she feels unsafe as happened in our case - especially as the burglar entered my bedroom with me asleep in it and dd down the hall.

TulipsTwoLips · 17/07/2019 22:28

I would have found that far too suffocating as a child.

TuesdaySunshine · 17/07/2019 22:40

I think it sounds weird and unhealthy tbh, but how (or even whether) you broach it with her I have no idea. Then again, if she's on MN you probably won't need to now, will you.

Goingonagondola · 17/07/2019 22:41

I feel sorry for her because it must be hard being a single parent so much of the time - and then being judged by her SIL as well.

I think you are seeing things how you want to because you don't like her much or because her style of parenting makes you feel insecure about yours.

Mydogmylife · 17/07/2019 22:52

From the info supplied it sounds as though th 9 year old may be starting to find this a bit restricting, and it does seem it's more for sil benefit than for the children. Also if I was DH and seeing posts on social media that implied that my dw was happier when I was away and she could be with the Dc on her own I think I would be more than a little hurt and looking at the state of the relationship. Still, this can't go on indefinitely (!) and time will no doubt sort things out

saraclara · 17/07/2019 22:56

I feel sorry for her because it must be hard being a single parent so much of the time - and then being judged by her SIL as well.

I think you are seeing things how you want to because you don't like her much or because her style of parenting makes you feel insecure about yours.

You're just making things up. The OP hasn't said anything to her AT ALL. She's come on here to ask what we think. The SIL is oblivous. And the second sentence is pure speculation and fantasy

TheBouquets · 17/07/2019 22:57

@Mummyoflittledragon The SIL may not actually have any option but to stay there. If the house is jointly owned she can not sell without DH's permission. If the house is in his name she has less chance of making a decision to move. The only other option would be to split with DH and get only with really being a single parent.

LadyLibre · 17/07/2019 23:00

One of my nephews is the second messiah, it's very tiresome 😒

NaviSprite · 17/07/2019 23:04

I’m on the “it’s a bit strange” side of this one. Not that she has sleepovers with her DC, that’s sweet. But the obsessive overriding of conversation and potential reality of nixing the sleepover because she wanted her own with the kids.

Now we all know to take what a post says is one side of a story - but I have a couple of cousins who are very much like your SIL @ItsFunnyYouShouldAsk

Everything revolves around them and their DC. To a point where they will start arguments with other Mum’s in the family (myself included) if they parent any other way. They also inundate their SM with pictures (like a minute by minute replay it’s rather tedious.)

Or if (like at the first and last family BBQ I went to since my twins were born) the conversation steers away from their children they derail and go straight back to it as though nobody else has a say - or will become extremely dramatic that nobody cares. They can also be weirdly competitive with their DC’s achievements. It makes their kids a bit uncomfortable too as they’re just trying to play and get told to perform for the family constantly 😳 so if your SIL is of a similar inclination I can fully understand why you find it odd.

I love my DC - they’re only toddlers and I do hope they might choose snuggles with me in bed sometime in the future. But I wouldn’t want to force it on them. I take pride in their achievements but can also talk about other subjects. Doesn’t make any of us the better or worse mums - just different.

With my Cousins thankfully I don’t have to see them regularly and have muted them on any social media so I’m not flooded with a minute by minute update of their days. I’ll pop onto their profiles occasionally to see how everyone is doing and I’m happy that they’re happy and know that - whilst I think they’re a bit over the top - they clearly love their kids and “not my monkeys not my circus” comes into play for me.

As for the bit about 9yo not getting to have a sleepover because the SIL wanted her “sleepover” with both DC is going too far IMO. But as people have said it’s possible this was her version of ‘kind reasoning’ to her Son, rather than an outright no?

YANBU to find it odd, that’s an opinion and you have a right to it - and I agree with you.

Other than the sleepover incident, has her behaviour shown any signs of depriving her DC of normality? If the eldest were to decline sleeping in her bed do you think she would understand or become emotional? If it’s the latter then that’s when you may have a genuine concern.

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