Husbands family whilst he is deployed

[Jrkrbeuiw]

First post/long time lurker etc.

My husband is gearing up for a long deployment - leaving late Autumn and returning next Summer.

I am trying to fathom the right thing to do by our daughter. She will be almost 18 months when he goes and 2 when he returns.

We live 6+ hours away from his family, and in all honesty I find his parents anxiety inducing. They are emotionally manipulative and very insecure. MIL is a known fantasist and regularly makes up stories (good and bad). We are civil, but I try and only see them in group settings and have no private contact with them. (Don’t text, don’t talk on the phone etc). I find this best to avoid getting drawn in to an elaborate lie.

I’m trying to work out what do do when my husband is away. He does have a relationship with his family, it has its moments but it is important to him. I don’t want to deprive my daughter of a relationship with her grandparents (and would never use her as any kind of emotional weapon).

That being said, I work upwards of 70 hours a week and am the family breadwinner. I know that being solo with DD and DDog will be enough as well as keeping everything else going for 6 months. I feel I would be calmest and most in control to go low contact with the odd text to the family chat (husband can email and will have sporadic calls).

Is this unreasonable? I want to do best by DD - she sees them every 4/5 months at the moment. But I also want to protect myself during what is always a very tough time.

I would try to keep up some contact. Visit before and after his deployment so you don’t have to visit during. Then commit yourself to giving a quick email update with a picture once a week to once a month (whatever you are comfortable or with).

I’d say that’s fine. But that’s coming from someone who although had a hood relationship with In-laws, doesn’t see them very often anyway

You might be better posting this in Forces Sweethearts, there are quite a few military wives over there. Civilians aren’t great at understanding what it’s like.

If you only see them every 4/5 months then see them just before he goes, once around Christmas/New Year, once again around Easter.

Short visit - "need to get home to the dog"

@Divgirl2 no short visits unfortunately. As they’re 6 hours away it’s usually days. They were recently invited for 2 days and have imposed for a week

Skype or FaceTime?

I've been advised a family group chat (messenger/WhatsApp) is the way to go, everyone gets news at the same time but not too personal. Dd is a way off deployment to thankfully but I get information aimed at military mums and dads. Could they visit once perhaps and stay at a hotel? Do they show any interest in visiting you? If they were the kind of grandparents willing to entertain your dd while you work they might be useful on such a long deployment, unfortunately not everyone is

I may sound cold but I think you should not even think about visiting. Once a month send a message and picture and leave it at that. You have enough to cope with as your daughter will be missing Daddy not her grandparents.

If your DH is going away for 6 months and the norm is for your dd to see your PIL every 4 months, I would organise a visit just before your DH goes away and one just when he is back.

Skype could be quite good to (between them and your dd). Again best to set up the organisation when your DH is here.

Is he getting R&R? You need to be firm that his 2 weeks aren't to be spent travelling the length of the country.

I agree with before and after visits. Maybe you could send them a "newsletter" once every 6 weeks or so with photos/paintings etc.

Sympathies. I was away for 9 months last year and it does pass quickly.

FaceTime/Skype and WhatsApp for updates and pictures. If they want to see you or dd make it clear they are welcome to visit but you won't be travelling to them get dh to tell them that before he goes.

Skype and send them pictures.

@Disfordarkchocolate you’re my new favourite person

@Genvonklinkerhoffen yes there will be pre deployment leave. He’s actually barely around in the 2 months prior, just the 2 weeks right before he goes. We won’t be seeing anyone then! Current plans are to see his family 6 weeks out as it’s the last feasible option. No idea about when he’s back - but then no idea when he’s actually back. I don’t listen to dates until they’re on the plan home!

@Alsohuman

You might be better posting this in Forces Sweethearts, there are quite a few military wives over there. Civilians aren’t great at understanding what it’s like.

I'm not forces but I can't see what's so difficult to understand here.

OP, is the onus on you to visit them? I don't think you should be expected to drive 6 hours to see them with a toddler and a dog.

I think a pp's idea of seeing them before and after the deployment is a good one (even if it's just DH who takes DD to see them). If the manipulation is unbearable then I don't think you need to bother seeing them. If it's annoying but bearable and ILs want to see DD during the deployment, then I would let them subject to them driving to you and having a group get together as that's what you find bearable.

Is DH understanding of your concerns or is he expecting you to visit them?

Your child is very young. They’re barely going to notice (let alone remember) relatives they see a scant few times a year at that age.

Plenty of time to build a relationship with family, along the original lines, when your DH gets back. Get into the FaceTime update thing once a month if you must. But no invitations there or at yours. See only people willing to help during this hard time, not people who make work.

If you really feel you have to see them what about a place mid way between you all, so a few hours drive. Two nights in a hotel/cottage and go out to a big place (zoo/theme park etc). It minimises actually talking to them too much and being alone with them and gives you all a day out where they can happily snap all the pictures they want.

I wouldn't bother posting in forces sweethearts. No one ever replies 😲

How often would your DH and daughter see his family if he wasn't away. Do you go to them or they to you?

Breadwinner? Does he deploy for six months for no pay??

I would see them with dh before he goes, then again when he is back. In between Skype/ WhatsApp at the most.

You will be having a difficult time with dh away, and you need to look after yourself for your dc's sake, rather than getting stressed with challenging in-laws.

There is plenty of time to build a relationship later, a 1-2 year old will be fine not seeing grandparents for this time.

Honestly?

My rule during deployments is to do whatever the fuck I can to survive!

See his parents before he goes, then send out a message to everyone that you might struggle with getting visits in over the next few months, as just doing the basics for work, DD and dog will take up all your time.

Then, accept any and all help from people you trust, get stocked up with wine/good food and just look after yourself!

@Cheeserton presumably the OP earns more...

Things are slightly different now to when mine were growing up with their DF in the forces.
It is difficult OP, but i would suggest visiting before and after his deployment and skype etc when he's away.
When mine was deployed, we were posted in BFG anyway, so it would have been difficult to visit even if i had wanted to, apart from the odd time when i drove back to the UK.
I'm pretty sure that your families will understand your position. Do you live on the patch? Speak to other pads if so.
Don't worry too much about building bonds for the moment, skype, exchange photo's, speak to your kids often about family to keep their minds fresh. That's what i did, minus the skype, it hadn't been invented then, it was all blueys and phone )
Good luck.

@Cheeserton I am the primary earner, not really the point either way

@Jrkrbeuiw R&R is usually mid tour. Different from pre/post tour leave.

@DannyWallace thank you! Not the first one since DD is born and hoping it will be easier now she is bigger (and sleeps). We’re very far from family and don’t live on base so I am a one woman show (not one id pay to watch though!)