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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my MIL to stay with me when I’ve had my baby.

38 replies

Supermummy88 · 17/07/2019 18:31

Hi everyone,

Just need some advice here as I feel I am getting major anxiety. I have a MIL who is quite interfering and who has caused a lot of problems with me and my husband in the past. We have been married for 7 years and lived with the inlaws for 2 years and then bought our own house. Me and MIL have never seen eye to eye and there is some tension between at us time.

Basically when I had my son, who is now years old she insisted that she wanted to come and stay with us for 2 weeks . I had a very difficult birth and was in hospital for over week and therefore my husband had already used 10 days of his paternity leave. My mum said that she will come and stay with me and help for a week for two which i really appreciated. However the day I came back from hospital my MIL came over insisting that she stays with me and my mum goes home. She then started a big argument with me, as I explained to her that I was having trouble breast feeding and had a third degree tear and that I’m feeling very emotional and drained. My mum was in tears as this was my parents first grand child, ( my mil already has 3). In the end she went home but then came to my house every day for hours on end. She also had a big problem with me breast feeding and one day when I was sleeping she prepared formula and gave it to my son without my permission. She had literally taken my son out of the cot and when I woke up I was in a panic. These issues contributed to my post natal depression and general anxiety, as she would then come over whenever she wanted. However, she did end up staying for 2 weeks once my mum had gone back home. My husband didn’t really understand and defended his mum because she would just start crying.

I am now pregnant with my second child and am due in January. I have been through a very tough year as my dad suddenly passed away last year. I am now worried sick about the problems she is going to cause this time. I have told my husband that he needs to set boundaries. But he thinks IABU and that she only wants to help. I am thinking maybe I should talk to my midwife and tell her the issues that were caused last time that contributed to me developing post natal depression?

OP posts:
Original poster
Supermummy88 · 17/07/2019 18:36

By the way my son is 4. I left a big age gap as I was so worried about the interference with next baby as it had also caused a lot of issues between me and my husband.

OP posts:
Allgirlskidsanddogs · 17/07/2019 18:36

She sounds dreadful. Make it clear to your DH that he manages it NOW and limits are set. Be prepared to be blunt with DH and MIL and move to your Mum’s if need be.

Burlea · 17/07/2019 18:38

I'm sorry but you don't just have a problem with MIL your husband is also a big problem. He needs to support YOU. Start telling him now that he is BU.

Alsohuman · 17/07/2019 18:38

Decamp to your mum’s place when the new baby arrives. And stay there for as long as you want.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 17/07/2019 18:40

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I’m so sorry your in this position. I’d seek support from your MW, and really make your husband listen to you. If he doesn’t you could look at staying at your mothers? I know it’s not ideal but it might convince him of your seriousness.

I’d expect my Husbands support regarding boundaries, and her giving your baby formula when you’re breastfeeding was terrible. I’d have kicked her out then. I would have done so to anyone who did this and undermined my decisions. Did you never manage to explain this to your husband?

blackcat86 · 17/07/2019 18:41

Have the birth and postnatal period that you want. As has already been said, be prepared to be blunt. I would be saying that as MIL had your mum in tears and ruined your first weeks at home last time you wont be repeating it. Any hint of this and you'll be off to your mums. This is not about your MIL her tears, or appeasing her. It's about what will help you the most. Your DH either gets on board or he can go back to his mums and deal with her there. My birth trauma has a lot of similarities with yours and I can absolutely see how the situation contributed to your PND.

LadyLibre · 17/07/2019 18:41

Fuck that! Tell her NO!

HorseradishSnowflake · 17/07/2019 18:43

Be clear and assertive to DH and MIL. I am ONLY comfortable with my own mother and DH Supporting me when I come home from hospital. No one else will be staying in the home. MIL can visit on day x. Repeat this and do not waver!
Do not justify or get into reasons or discussions of the past with MIL. Tell your DH that you need him to support you in this. It is your right to put yourself and the baby first to avoid a recurrence of PND.

buttons101 · 17/07/2019 18:43

No way. Your house, your baby, your rules. If you don't want her there (and I don't blame you considering her behaviour last time) then just say no.

BarryBarryTaylor · 17/07/2019 18:43

Oh god she sounds unbearable, but your DH needs to back you otherwise I can’t see how it’s possible to prevent this from happening again.

It frustrates me no end when family members feel they know what’s best, but to go behind your back (and your wishes) is really very wrong.

I would tell you midwife, but I would also say in the presence of DH and MIL if possible, that you don’t want a repeat of last time as you feel that contributed to your PND. And this needs to be said sooner rather than later. Repeat it many times until Jan if you need to, but you need to say something now. If MIL cries, then she cries. If you don’t say it straight and to the point, it will come back to bite you on the bum. Put yourself first!

Owwlie · 17/07/2019 18:43

YANBU. That sounds awful, but I agree with a pp, your husband is the bigger problem.

Definitely explain all to your midwife (and health visitor if you have one) and get her to explain how it contributed to your PND.

But you need to firmly lay it out to your husband (and your MIL) that you will not be having the same happen again. Explain it is not helpful if it stresses you out, it’s just interfering. Ask him why he cares more about his mother having a tantrum than the feelings of his wife who will have just given birth to his child.

thepartysover · 17/07/2019 18:44

This makes my blood boil. How entitled!

Agree that your DH is also a problem though - I would have a very frank chat with him and explain (sometimes these things do need spelling out, alas) that x, y, and z contributed to a negative postnatal experience for you last time, and the thought of experiencing anything like that again is already making you anxious. It doesn't have to be emotional, just fact-based. Add that if you're put in that situation for a second time then you'll be decamping to your mum's.

How your MIL or DH thought any of this was appropriate behaviour (or an appropriate response) is beyond me, but the key thing is to set the boundaries NOW.

Hope the rest of your pregnancy and birth is stress-free.

LakieLady · 17/07/2019 18:44

My DSS and his partner had similar problems with his mother, although (luckily) she lives close to them, so didn't have an excuse to stay over. She just rocked up every fucking day, taking pictures non-stop and generally meddling.

Luckily, he was just as pissed off as his partner and they basically gave her the stern word, and insisted that she only come round by arrangement and for a set amount of time, no more all day visits. We're told she copped the right hump, but she had no choice but to comply.

You really need your DH on board with this OP. It'll be much better coming from him.

Cheeserton · 17/07/2019 18:45

Classic DH problem. Definitely need to set the boundaries now.

AllOverIt · 17/07/2019 18:45

She sounds dreadful. Your DH needs to step up and tell her to back the fuck off.

You poor thing.

Singlenotsingle · 17/07/2019 18:48

Just go and stay with your mum. She won't mind and she'll probably enjoy having ds1 to look after.

Pantsomime · 17/07/2019 18:53

Do a point by point list of things like the formula, turning up etc & show your DH & MW if needed to get her on board- ask MW in front of DH are how to tackle MIL then take her on. You must do this now & at very least get internal bolts fitted to your outside doors ( may need to go as far as changing locks if pvc) so you know she can’t let herself in

LittlefairyMum · 17/07/2019 18:53

Your husband needs to man up!

Tell him if he doesn't, you'll be moving house to escape her ( and possible him too)

She sounds horrible!

HouseworkAvoider10 · 17/07/2019 18:54

Yep - the usual.
You have a DH problem as well as an MIL problem.

BarryBarryTaylor · 17/07/2019 18:55

Show your DH this thread! That may get him to understand that it isn’t you being unreasonable. It’s perfectly normal to not want someone coming in and going behind your back when it comes to looking after your newborn baby. She does what you ask or she does nothing at all!

justwingingit10 · 17/07/2019 18:56

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I agree, your DH needs to be on the same page as you. He needs to manage visitors altogether but particularly his DM.
If I were to have a second I would refuse visitors for the first couple weeks. I can't imagine a MIL move in to 'help' and give bf baby formula against my wishes. Just no.

Does he know you feel these issues contributed to your PND previously?

crispysausagerolls · 17/07/2019 18:56

Your husband is a fucking waste of space and your MIL is bordering on evil

RebootYourEngine · 17/07/2019 18:58

Your dh is a dick. He should be supporting you not backing his crazy mother. If he isn't going to listen to you I would go to your mums until you feel better after the birth. This might make your dh grow some balls and stand up to his mum.

Gustavo1 · 17/07/2019 19:02

How will it go if you tell your husband that you appreciate the offer of help but simply don’t want it?
If he insists she comes, could you then say you will go to your mum’s?

Cocoloco2019 · 17/07/2019 19:03

You know you’re not being unreasonable. Put your foot down.