AIBU to not want my MIL to stay with me when I’ve had my baby.

[Supermummy88]

Hi everyone,

Just need some advice here as I feel I am getting major anxiety. I have a MIL who is quite interfering and who has caused a lot of problems with me and my husband in the past. We have been married for 7 years and lived with the inlaws for 2 years and then bought our own house. Me and MIL have never seen eye to eye and there is some tension between at us time.

Basically when I had my son, who is now years old she insisted that she wanted to come and stay with us for 2 weeks . I had a very difficult birth and was in hospital for over week and therefore my husband had already used 10 days of his paternity leave. My mum said that she will come and stay with me and help for a week for two which i really appreciated. However the day I came back from hospital my MIL came over insisting that she stays with me and my mum goes home. She then started a big argument with me, as I explained to her that I was having trouble breast feeding and had a third degree tear and that I’m feeling very emotional and drained. My mum was in tears as this was my parents first grand child, ( my mil already has 3). In the end she went home but then came to my house every day for hours on end. She also had a big problem with me breast feeding and one day when I was sleeping she prepared formula and gave it to my son without my permission. She had literally taken my son out of the cot and when I woke up I was in a panic. These issues contributed to my post natal depression and general anxiety, as she would then come over whenever she wanted. However, she did end up staying for 2 weeks once my mum had gone back home. My husband didn’t really understand and defended his mum because she would just start crying.

I am now pregnant with my second child and am due in January. I have been through a very tough year as my dad suddenly passed away last year. I am now worried sick about the problems she is going to cause this time. I have told my husband that he needs to set boundaries. But he thinks IABU and that she only wants to help. I am thinking maybe I should talk to my midwife and tell her the issues that were caused last time that contributed to me developing post natal depression?

Don't let her into the house. Seriously.

It will cause a huge row and she will call DH and cry and he will ask you to open the door and you will still point blank refuse.

In preparation get internal bolts fitted to the front door in case DH gives her a key. Slide the bolts across whenever you are home.

Do not talk to her on the phone or message her. All comms through DH.

Tell DH that you don't want her present when he is not there. Do not argue with DH about it, just tell him that's how it is then refuse to discuss.

If she comes to your house when he is not there, do not answer the door. Be rude.

You are going to have to enforce your boundary yourself. You cannot do it with words. The CF and her son will not comply. You have to create a physical boundary: the locked door you do not open.

Accept that she will try it on right at the start. Be ready to have the big fuck off showdown. Big row but no matter what DH says, no mattter the pressure he puts on you to sacrifice yourself so his mummy isn't cross with him, you do not open that door.

Be the bad guy. It is liberating.

Goodness me! She told your own mother to go home!

I agree with others, if your DH is not prepared to back you up on this, then go and stay with your mum and get the help/rest that you need.

Your DH needs to know that you mean business this time, and HE needs to deal with his mother asap.

That’s awful. Your husband knows how she behaved last time contributed to your pnd and he still isn’t standing up for you? Fuck that. You are not at all unreasonable for wanting space after giving birth.

Talk to your husband.
If he doesn’t support you, then go to your mums for as long as you need.
@crispysausagerolls is right.

She sounds awful

Your Poor DM . If it was me your MIL would have been told straight , I STAY (should I be your Mum) Cannot bear overbearing people like your MIL

your DH needs to stand upto her!!!what an absolute cretin ofa MIL

people should be asking if its ok to hold the baby - not be giving them formula !! wow.

sort your DH out post haste, i wouldnt be putting up with any of that shit

The reason you don’t want her round is that she took YOUR SON and gave him formula when he was EBF.

If she starts the manipulative crying just say ‘stop that, this is about me now i’m The one who has just given birth’

Talk to your DH and be prepared to either kick him out or decamp to your mother's of he refuses to listen.

Yes definitely talk to your midwife, she might be able to talk to your dh too.

Also you talk to your dh and tell him his mother won’t be staying, set out specific times she can visit and tell him if he doesn’t abide and enforce them, you’ll take your baby and stay with your mother

My MIL behaved somewhat like this - not staying over, as PILs lived in the same town at the time. But they came over to our house every day, for literally months, staying several hours each time. On one occasion the HV was here, doing normal checks etc & they walked in. HV stood up to measure DD & MIL immediately sat down in her chair. HV just looked at me, saw the look on my face, & suggested we finish on another day. We used to screen their calls, lock the door & ignore them knocking when they randomly turned up sometimes. They would knock, shout in the street, & continuously call our home phone & mobiles for 30-40 minutes before leaving. Their behaviour was (still is at times) intolerable. I know how you feel re: the PND, anxiety etc caused by the stress of it all.

DH & I had planned to have 2 DCs. DD is an only child, & will be PILs only grandchild. DH realised, too late, that I was at breaking point. I couldn't do it again.

You are not here to appease your mother in law or your husband. You must be firm and say it’s your mother you need, not his, or whatever it is you want.
Can your husband start his paternity leave from when you return from hospital in case you have another extended stay?

I would tell your husband that if your mother in law comes to stay then you’re going to your mums. I also like the idea of an internal bolt so she can’t just let herself in.
I would also just not answer the door if she comes over without it being arranged. She sounds awful.

Why don't you stay with your mum after the birth.