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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To demand that he let me take this job?

26 replies

Madridinmymemories · 17/07/2019 17:52

My partner and I have been struggling financially for a few years. We both work but there's never enough coming in although we live frugally. We moved to a bigger house and everything is more expensive, even though we live closer to our jobs and so our quality of life is better.
I've racked up quite a bit of debt in a year, it's not been on fancy handbags but things like petrol, a present for a kid's party that my dd was dying to go to, and bloody nursery fees! We really need to get some more money coming in as there's a real chance that I soon won't be able to keep up with the late fees and interest. Bad credit means I'm no longer able to get a 0% credit card.
I currently work as a ward clerk in a medium secure unit on a forensic men's rehab ward. I love my job and I find chatting to the patients is my favourite part of the job. Obviously there's some altercations and the staff often get shouted at, sometimes assaulted. There's a really good response team and people are rarely seriously hurt.
I've applied for a bank healthcare assistant post in my trust and I've got an interview which I'm excited about. I think I'd be quite good as I already go on the ward lots and chat to the patients. I probably wouldn't choose to work on the more acute wards until I'd had some more experience.
My partner is furious and tells me that I'm crazy to go for it. He keeps saying that I might get attacked or sexually assaulted. I've told him that I'd like to do it for my own career progression and also it would bring some money in. My plan is to do two nights a month and just bring in enough to pay off my debt in six months. Then I can always work more if I need some extra cash or at bank holidays as you get double time.
The truth is that we can't continue like this and he hasn't come up with any solution as to how we can keep our heads above water in the year before our ds starts school.
Who's in the wrong?

OP posts:
AskMeHow · 17/07/2019 17:56

He's definitely in the wrong.

Does he not want to look after his children while you work?

BullBullBull · 17/07/2019 17:57

He is

pictish · 17/07/2019 17:57

He’s wrong.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 17/07/2019 17:58

You don't need your DP's permission to take this job. It sounds as though you already have a good understanding of what you'd be letting yourself in for as you've spent time in that environment. As you'd be on the Bank you could always give it up if you did a couple of shifts and decided it wasn't for you. On the other hand you might love it! I worked in a very similar environment (although it was years ago now) and found it really rewarding work. There are risks, of course but there should be processes in place to manage them and you sound like you have your head firmly screwed on. You're absolutely right not to bury your head in the sand about your debts and this seems like a sensible way to boost your income as well as exploring new opportunities. I can understand your DP being concerned about you but he needs to understand that you're a grown woman capable of making your own decisions.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/07/2019 17:58

He has no right to stop you. Thst simple. Is he refusing to care for his kids?

Batqueen · 17/07/2019 18:00

He is, you should do it but if you can, educate him on the safeguarding that is in place so he can see that you will be safe.

It’s nice that he cares but that shouldn’t be used as an excuse to dictate your behaviour.

MyOpinionIsValid · 17/07/2019 18:00

I would do it - he is in the wrong.

Chloemol · 17/07/2019 18:01

Just ask him what extra job he is going to get to replace the one he doesn’t want you to do

NCforthis2019 · 17/07/2019 18:03

You need permission from him to do a job? Wtf?! Why?

MrsTommyBanks · 17/07/2019 18:04

He is wrong.

Madridinmymemories · 17/07/2019 18:08

I don't need his permission but I thought I'd ask him what he thought as it means that he'll have to look after the kids on a Saturday night after he's been at work all day and have them whilst I work at night. Then have them the next day so I can sleep. I don't think the nhs will let me work the night if I've worked the day! So that rules out Monday to Friday!

OP posts:
imsuchagrump · 17/07/2019 18:13

He's in the wrong . It sounds like you've thought about it and you have a plan, it's a career progression plus more money which you need . You need to make dh understand this and if the job doesn't work out when you've cleared your debt you can look at something else .

Madridinmymemories · 17/07/2019 18:15

I'm still going to continue in my current role, this will be some side money just to pay off the debt.

OP posts:
BloodyhellMartha · 17/07/2019 18:17

YANBU - but I can understand him not being thrilled at the idea of working Saturday, having the kids on his own Sat night and then looking after them alone on Sunday whilst you sleep.

Presumably he's back to work on Monday too? TBH it sounds fairly miserable. Is there no other solution? It sounds like moving a bigger house has really over stretched you too far.

theWarOnPeace · 17/07/2019 18:22

What is the current situation with his own job? Are there other ways that we could all put our heads together to help you save and pay off debts? As pp said it does sound pretty miserable for all concerned, atjlygg I agree that someone needs to take charge and get it sorted. How old are the children?

Madridinmymemories · 17/07/2019 18:22

It's only for a short period of time, then I can stay on the bank but only work very occasionally. The way I see it we have no other option.
This year has been particularly shit as we had to buy a new car as the old one died and we stopped getting tax credits, hence the build up of debt.
We still probably live beyond our means. I would rather work harder and keep my holidays rather than be miserable.

OP posts:
Tallgreenbottle · 17/07/2019 18:22

It's not down to him. You want the job. You take it.

Travis1 · 17/07/2019 18:25

When you have kids and debts you do what you need to do. Tell him to man up

Mummabear12345567889 · 17/07/2019 18:34

Do it. It sounds like you've given it a lot of thought and are making good plans to get rid of your debt. I'm wondering what his plan is to help to reduce your debt, if he feels that this is a bad idea??

I worked on secure units. I loved it, although not in a HCA role. Sounds like you'll get a lot from it if it's something you already enjoy.

Is he likely to refuse to look after the kids?

WhoAmIToTellYou · 17/07/2019 18:41

Your DP is however i understand his concerns. What’s his plan?

thetimekeeper · 17/07/2019 18:42

Two nights a month is hardly a major burden for him.

It sounds like a good opportunity for you personally and helpful financially. If it can help your career progression in the long term then even better!

sar302 · 17/07/2019 18:54

I know my husband wouldn't be thrilled if I went back to doing the kind of work I used to (daily restraints and injuries unfortunately part of the job), but he wouldn't refuse to "let" me.

thenightsky · 17/07/2019 19:02

A friend of mine went from being a ward clerk on an acute male psychiatric ward to being a HCA in our male secure unit. 10 years down the line and she is now working as an OT and says she'd never go back.

StrawberrySundance · 17/07/2019 19:13

YABU to ask for permission.

YABU to ask permission.

I do understand his concerns though, I would be worried too if my DP was working in what I considered a dangerous environment, and then wanted to put himself at risk even more.

Madridinmymemories · 17/07/2019 19:23

@StrawberrySundance I would choose to work in low secure where everyone is quite well, then maybe work up to acute. You can never predict these things happening, one of my colleagues was punched in the face on Christmas Eve. But the rewards are good too, seeing people getting better and moving on.

OP posts:
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