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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining to visit the In-Laws for the first time in 10 years!

62 replies

InnerSteel · 17/07/2019 12:36

Hubby and I have been together 10+ years and 6 years ago we moved 5 hours drive (when the roads are clear) away from the inlaws. Everytime hubby has wanted to see his family we have visited. They do come down occasionally and visit us. Their last visit to us was at Easter and our last visit to them was at christmas.

I have been finding stuff increasingly difficult and have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and IBS. We have 3 boys (aged 8, 6 and 2) and a large dog. Going to visit the inlaws means staying with them, all of us in one room. There would be a total of 5/6 adults and 5/6 kids in the house, plus pets. Christmas with them was hard, lots of stomach bugs, big gatherings and I really didnt cope well. We still went even though I really didnt feel up to it and I regret it. I love the inlaws, but its just becoming too much.

Am I being unreasonable to say no to going up this summer?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 17/07/2019 13:13

Nobody sane would expect you to spend 5 hours in the car with IBS. He goes, you stay home.

Not sure you should be holding him responsible for the things that happened while you were away, though. How would you have stopped them?

MsPavlichenko · 17/07/2019 13:13

Your DH sounds appalling.

mumwon · 17/07/2019 13:14

when we use to visit we hired cottage a little way away - it meant we could have some control over visiting & also enjoy the cottage & its area

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 13:14

Is you DH an idiot or just lazy?

SuzieQ10 · 17/07/2019 13:15

It all sounds too much with your medical situation too. And three boys plus yourselves in one room! That can't be enjoyable. Offer to have them at yours or possibly meet them for a weekend half way.
I wouldn't go. Hubby can make up his own mind about whether he wants to go and take the kids, but you don't need to put this pressure on yourself.

verticality · 17/07/2019 13:15

I am at a similar point with my inlaws. DH and I work hard and are exhausted most of the time. The in laws are hard work at the best of times, so visits are incredibly stressful. When we stay with them, we're crammed into a very small room - and I mean so small there is no room to walk either side of the bed. I'm checking into a hotel next time we go down there - we just can't cope with the lack of sleep AND the long drive. You are actually physically ill on top, so definitely do not feel bad about saying no until you can get an Airbnb or a hotel.

Badtasteflump · 17/07/2019 13:16

They are in no position to 'insist' you stay with them when they clearly don't have the room for you - shoving five people in one room is ridiculous.

CoolCarrie · 17/07/2019 13:16

Don’t go, it sounds like a nightmare for you, and not worth it.

mumwon · 17/07/2019 13:16

send husband & dc & dog to dpil & have rest

mbosnz · 17/07/2019 13:17

In that case, I think I'd be saying that while we went in the past, that was then, this is now, and things have changed quite significantly. While I could put up with the long journey and cramped conditions previously, my health issues mean that I no longer can do so.

So DH and the older children go, which surely he can manage to remember he has them, and has to look after them, or they can remind him, and I'll look after the dog and little one at home.

And this is the way it's going to be, for the foreseeable future. But I love to see them, and they're always welcome at ours. . .

verticality · 17/07/2019 13:17

Also, your husband needs to step up, big style. Do think about whether this whole thing might be easier if he weren't in the picture. No useless DH and no demanding in laws. You may even find it makes little difference to your finances.

Rachelover40 · 17/07/2019 13:21

You're not at all unreasonable, it would put great stress on you and you aren't well in the first place. I honestly think your in laws would understand.

Someone suggested that you get an airbnb to stay in near to them and that would be a good solution, you'd have a comfortable base and be able to do things at your own pace.

ZenNudist · 17/07/2019 13:22

Alternate trips so they come to you. Otherwise you stay home with dog and dh and dc go. I think it is mean to not visit family. How would you feel if your dc moved away and then their spouses stopped them visiting you ?

bribery · 17/07/2019 13:22

Send your 'D'H to stay with your in-laws permanently. Insist.

Sorry he's such a let down OP. Thanks Bet your health would improve in spades if you didn't have to pick up the slack for the useless twat.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 17/07/2019 13:23

I'd send him this time, then think about saving for next year / looking out for v cheap deals as assuming this arrangement will stay cramped and kids will not get smaller!

SapatSea · 17/07/2019 13:26

Send Dh with the DC to in laws if they can be trusted. You coould stay behind with the 2 year old if you think the 2 year old wouldn't get proper attention. YOUR health has to come first

justasking111 · 17/07/2019 13:26

Stay home this time. I have done it myself.

flouncyfanny · 17/07/2019 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SagAloojah · 17/07/2019 13:30

DH sounds like a knob. Sit him down and tell him seriously he needs to step up due to your illness.

And no, I wouldn't go to see ILs either.

Laiste · 17/07/2019 13:30

Send the kids and husband.

You've been together 10 years i think you're past the 'must impress MIL' stage Grin

Amibeingdaft81 · 17/07/2019 13:33

* the dog either caught a v.nasty bug or (more likely) ate something he shouldnt have...he ended up on a drip spending 2 nights at the vets...£600 vets fees*
- he also managed to hit a rock in the road (the size of my head) and wreck a brand new tyre.
- also somehow the tv screen was minorly broken (suspect a toy being thrown by 2 year old)
- also the baby was throwing up when I got back and no washing had been done. (Washing up done ONCE).

Only thing that was really your husband’s “fault” was not washing

OP, it is shocking that your husband not being straight with his parents about his unsuitable this arrangement is

But then again - you are an adult. I can’t understand why you don’t talk to them. Talk to them!!

TheRedBarrows · 17/07/2019 13:34

Send DH with the kids, you stay home with the dog.

Piffle11 · 17/07/2019 13:36

There's no way I'd be driving 5 hours to then be wedged in one room with DH, 3 DC and a dog! If DH really wants to go then perhaps he can take the 2 elder DC and go. Why on earth would anyone want to do this? You have enough to deal with regarding your health. The whole point of getting away is usually to relax: I know visiting family isn't always relaxing, but I would imagine the visits are rather stressful. I can't imagine how you manage in one room!

RainOrSun · 17/07/2019 13:41

DH is taking the kids on his own this summer. I am "supervising" the decorator.....
I tend to go for one or 2 visits, then skip a visit. Ideally skipping the longer visits, and dealing with the shorter visits. They are welcome here anytime.
YANBU.

Laiste · 17/07/2019 13:41

OP for years i/we obliged every time a visit to DHs parents was suggested by them. Us to them - (2 hour motorway drive with all the baby gear) or them to us (whole day of a weekend).

Nowadays me and DH (together 12 years), are both a bit .... siiiigh ... when it comes to visit time. I always have left it to him to deal with organising contact with his family and these last few years he quite often delays visits, whereas in the past he used to always say yes to what ever they suggested.

You're getting older, and wiser. You have your own needs.