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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go on this holiday without him??

28 replies

cricketmum84 · 17/07/2019 06:49

Long backstory. Been having huge problems with 14yo DS for a couple of years now. Waiting on an autism diagnosis, he has decided he hates his step dad (he's been around since he was a toddler and loves him deeply) he has made false allegations which were investigated by SS but we were cleared of any wrongdoing.

He has run away twice in the past week and both times ended up with my parents. Most recent time was Monday night. We went to pick him up and bring him home last night and he completely lost his rag, got up to hit me and ended up grabbing me by the arms and wrestling me out of the room. He won't come home and says he hates us.

We are all due to go on holiday on Saturday (me DH, DD and DS). 2 weeks abroad in the sun in a gorgeous location partly picked because of DSs keen interest in history. He's saying he won't come. He can stay at my mums for the 2 weeks but I really really don't want to go without him.

I really don't know what to do?? I can't force him to come with us obviously, and any sort of confrontation just leads to full on meltdown for him.

Any advice? What would you do in this situation? Please be gentle, I'm absolutely emotionally exhausted by it all.

OP posts:
Outnotdown · 17/07/2019 06:55

I would go without him and come back well rested and with more energy to deal with the whole situation.

Obviously leave the door open so he can change his mind and come, but if he doesn't, go and use the time to your benefit.

It sounds really hardFlowers

MyOpinionIsValid · 17/07/2019 06:55

Exactly what support services are you getting for this?
Do your parents agree to him staying?
Why does he prefer to be with them? can he manipulate them? do they spoil him?

You're really stuck - if you go without him, he will manipulate you and use it as a stick to beat you with. On the other hand why should your DD miss out?

Does your mother actually want him for 2 weeks?

We went to pick him up and bring him home last night and he completely lost his rag, got up to hit me and ended up grabbing me by the arms and wrestling me out of the room

Is he likely to do this to your mother if she does something he doesn't like?

But more importantly, what were the consequences for him assaulting you?

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 17/07/2019 06:56

Do you not want to go without DS, because you want your family together? Or because you’re worried about what will happen while he’s not with you/with his grandparents?
It sounds like you could all do with some time to relax and breathing space apart at a very difficult time...

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/07/2019 07:00

I wonder whether a break would do you all good but I would worry how your parents would cope.

Has/could anything have happened to trigger his problem with your DH?

urbanlife · 17/07/2019 07:00

I would want to know the following:

Are your parents safe with him?
Are they happy to look after him?
Have you tried to talk to him about coming?
Could your parents come as well to help?

I would not want to leave him behind, I think it may reinforce the problems you are having.

If your parents are happy to care for him, I would go for just the one week maximum after doing everything possible to take him.

A holiday may be good for him, a change of scene and try to take some time away from the rest of the family to spend with just him.

cryer · 17/07/2019 07:01

I'd go without him as I can't help but think this can't be easy on DD, and she might need the break.

urbanlife · 17/07/2019 07:02

I am also concerned about the reasons behind this outburst, don't just assume it is 'his age' or autism. Is he being bullied? Problems on line? His step father may adore him, but has been treating him well? I sense there is more to this story op.

Original poster
cricketmum84 · 17/07/2019 07:15

@MyOpinionIsValid no support in place at the moment. SS closed the case after one home visit. He won't engage with a counsellor or with CAMHS. I'm 99.9% sure he wouldn't be aggressive towards my mum, he worships her. Yes they have said he can stay there for the 2 weeks if that's what he needs.

I feel a bit like he is being stubborn saying he won't come but then will be gutted that he has missed out.

I'm also worrying about if he has a melt down while we are there what will he do? Will he run again? In a foreign country where he won't know his way around? Will he punch holes in the walls of the apartment like he has done at home whenever he loses his temper?

There were no consequences for him grabbing me. I came back outside afterwards and told my mum, sister and DH what had happened and my mum just told me to go and leave him there.

Everyone is so scared of upsetting him because of the explosive way he reacts.

My childless sister suggested I "stop getting at him" to make him behave better. He stays out late, cannot confiscate his phone anymore because he will sit on it and hide it and I can't touch him to find it, he's come home drunk before then of course there's the running away and the damage to the house.

I honestly feel like I've been at breaking point for a very long time.

OP posts:
Original poster
cricketmum84 · 17/07/2019 07:16

Sorry to answer the other question - absolutely no chance of my parents coming with us they are both low earners and don't even have passports and we are due to fly Saturday.

OP posts:
VivienneHolt · 17/07/2019 07:18

Go on the holiday - your son will be safe with your parents and it gives you, your husband and your daughter a break. It also sounds like your son would benefit from this being a consequence of his actions.

Noteventhebestdrummer · 17/07/2019 07:19

Yes, go without him. Give yourselves some breathing space. Take photos of things he would have liked to see himself and tell him you'll do another trip there with him in the future if he's interested?

namechangeninjaevervigilant · 17/07/2019 07:20

If you are sure everyone involved would be safe I would let him stay at your mums. A break from you might remind him of your good points and I am sure you and DD could all do with some down time.

ChipInTheSugar · 17/07/2019 07:32

Also have a look at the fb group called Breaking the Silence on SEND VCB. Lots of support on there for families in your situation.

Frazzled2207 · 17/07/2019 07:45

Talk to your parents and see if they can gently persuade him to go
But otherwise go without him as long as you are sure your parents will cope and they are ok with the idea.
Sounds very difficult though OP.
I think it would be wrong to "make" him go, though am not sure how that would be physically possible anyway.

urbanlife · 17/07/2019 07:49

Op;

Yes you can definitely confiscate his phone, and turn off the wifi, change the passwords, stop his allowance and do whatever else you need to do to do. No, you can't touch him, but he can and should be handing the phone over his behaviour means that he has broken boundaries.

It doesn't sound like a simple discipline issue though op. I really feel for you.

I would not go for two weeks, it is too long for your parents. Compromise with one week and leave the decision down to your son with cases packed and his passport ready. I would ask him to sign a contract of good behaviour before leaving, and the consequences if he does not comply on holiday, and follow through.

If he does go, go out walking allow him to open up in a very relaxed way. Ask him how is feeling, how he sees things going forward.

Sorry op it sounds horrendous, you will come through this Flowers

Jimjamjong · 17/07/2019 07:53

Leave him, sounds like he wants some control with his life, he is a teenager now you don't have to decide everything for him.

urbanlife · 17/07/2019 07:54

Op, putting aside his behaviour for a moment.

Do you have counselling in place for him?
Are you spending enough time with him?
Is something going on at school that he can't cope with?
Are you hugging him, are you open to him, are you showing him and telling him you love him?
Where is he drinking? And what steps are taking to stop this?

Can you invest in:

A punchbag for when he feels angry
A code he can use for when he is going to lose it, so you can back away
Time every day with him regardless of what has happened to talk about his day, worries etc. Even if you sit there in silence, be there.
An adventure or weekend just you and him

Your child, and he is still that sounds like he is heading for a crisis, and there must be a reason.

There is still time to avert it.

tomatoesandstew · 17/07/2019 08:22

Where about are you based? There may be other support services / peer support groups that are around that could help you/ advise you as well that Mumsnet users may know.

Many parents are in the same situation as you and it can still be really difficult to get SS and CAMHS to engage even with the Autism diagnosis.

You are in a difficult position, emotionally exhausted and it sounds like he is too.

It sounds like the holiday break would give you all time to wind down and regroup. When you get back you can put more energy into looking at coping mechanisms and strategies for all of you.

Good luck.

NoSauce · 17/07/2019 08:38

I would leave him with your parents. Sounds like he would probably ruin the holiday from what you’ve said. It sounds awful OP, I’m really sorry for you all. I hope you get to the bottom of what’s causing his behaviour. Look after yourself.

maskingtape · 17/07/2019 08:41

"My childless sister" FFS.

F2Feee · 17/07/2019 08:47

Go on the holiday without him. You all need a break desperately. I see you have other DC tp consider. Let them have some stress free and enjoyable days without your ds. If your parents are ok to have him, then go.

Original poster
cricketmum84 · 17/07/2019 08:55

@maskingtape sorry if that's offended you?? She doesn't have children and never wants them. Yes feels she knows enough to criticise my parenting. It can be quite frustrating!

OP posts:
Original poster
cricketmum84 · 17/07/2019 09:00

@urbanlife

Do you have counselling in place for him? I fought for 6 months to get him a Male counsellor (he said he didn't want a female one). As soon as he got to the top of the list and they offered him an appt he outright refused to go.
Are you spending enough time with him? I try, I work full time but we try to get him to join in with family activities on a weekend. He often refuses to leave his room though.
Is something going on at school that he can't cope with? School have said he seems fine there (classic masking I know) but also that he has a strong friendship group and no signs of bullying.
Are you hugging him, are you open to him, are you showing him and telling him you love him? I try so hard, you literally cannot hug him though, he flinched away from me every time I try to touch him, even a ruffle of the hair.
Where is he drinking? And what steps are taking to stop this? In the park after school. He is supposed to get the bus straight home but numerous times now we have got home from work and he isn't there. He strolls in at 8pm tipsy or on one occasion barely able to walk. We have no family nearby who can collect him from school and he switches his phone off so we can't find him. We've had a long talk about it but it's still happening. I've lost 2 jobs in the past year because of the amount of times I've had to take time off for him.

OP posts:
LoveGrowsWhere · 17/07/2019 09:05

I think go but make it super clear that it is not a punishment if DS does go with you. Agree pack his suitcase and make him confirm right up to last moment that he doesn't want to go.

LoveGrowsWhere · 17/07/2019 09:06

Punishment if does not go

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