To go on this holiday without him??

[cricketmum84]

Long backstory. Been having huge problems with 14yo DS for a couple of years now. Waiting on an autism diagnosis, he has decided he hates his step dad (he's been around since he was a toddler and loves him deeply) he has made false allegations which were investigated by SS but we were cleared of any wrongdoing.

He has run away twice in the past week and both times ended up with my parents. Most recent time was Monday night. We went to pick him up and bring him home last night and he completely lost his rag, got up to hit me and ended up grabbing me by the arms and wrestling me out of the room. He won't come home and says he hates us.

We are all due to go on holiday on Saturday (me DH, DD and DS). 2 weeks abroad in the sun in a gorgeous location partly picked because of DSs keen interest in history. He's saying he won't come. He can stay at my mums for the 2 weeks but I really really don't want to go without him.

I really don't know what to do?? I can't force him to come with us obviously, and any sort of confrontation just leads to full on meltdown for him.

Any advice? What would you do in this situation? Please be gentle, I'm absolutely emotionally exhausted by it all.

Go without him
Get a break.
When you back push for more support
Report every violent incident
Tell ss your other children are at risk

What about school?

Clearly he needs some input and for you to and able to help him
He is still a young child

Previously does he have a good time once you get there? Dd used to try to refuse to go but once on holiday was ok. She is a bit older and stopped coming once she was 18

I would try to stop any confrontation with him. Tell him (or write a letter if he won’t listen) that you love him very much and would love him to come on holiday with you but if he doesn’t want to that is ok. If he is happy (at they are happy) let him stay with your parents.

Ongoing I would ask him what it is that he is not happy with living at your house and set some agreed rules together and some clear consequences suggested/agreed by him for breaking rules. Most kids appreciate being part of the process and he is much more likely to go along with it if he gets some ownership in the rules/consequences. Also have some rewards available for good behaviour (teens usually like money!) Make sure the consequences are things you are able to follow through on. Some parents draw up a contract of behaviour as such and everyone signs it. There should be things you agree to do as well!
If he and his step dad don’t get on then I suggest step dad stays out of it as much as possible.

Best of luck. If he doesn’t come on holiday see it as an opportunity to get a rest from it all and think about a plan of action when you return.