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AIBU?

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Original poster

Manners from a 12 year old

29 replies

mummy1970abc · 16/07/2019 20:10

A friend’s 12 yo daughter has terrible manners. She grunts most of the time, never smiles, constantly complains if things are not how she wants them, etc. I have never heard her say “please” or “thank you” or any other comment of gratitude or appreciation.
She has been to my house a few times (I’ve invited her to “play”), I’ve fed her, let her swim in our pool etc. Offered her things to eat and drink.. she’s asked for stuff and I have cooked it for her and then rejects it because “she’s not hungry” and tbh I feel like I’m a bit fed up with it now. Clearly if she carries on like this (she seems to do it with other people as well) she’s never going to get on in life.. I do appreciate that she’s approaching teenage, hormonal, life.. but I’ve got quite a few of my own kids through that and although they have struggled to behave nicely with us, they would always behave impeccably around others.
So, what would you do? Would you say something to her? Would you talk to the parent? Would you just stay out of it and not invite her back? Would you do something completely different?

OP posts:
TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 16/07/2019 20:15

What does your friend do about it?

Original poster
mummy1970abc · 16/07/2019 20:17

Typically, I’ll ask her a question, she looks at me like I’m an idiot, he’ll ask her the same question.. she grunts a response, he translates the grunt in to “yes please” or “no thank you” 😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy1970abc · 16/07/2019 20:18

It he has never pulled her up on it

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 16/07/2019 20:20

I’d stop inviting her over. I don’t mind a bit of moodiness at home - totally normal - but being rude to people in their own homes is just being badly brought up.

Wolfiefan · 16/07/2019 20:20

Not your child. Not your place to deal with it. If she is rude to you then you can deal with that. Is “friend” code for bf?

pikapikachu · 16/07/2019 20:22

I wouldn't invite them over. If this was my child's friend then I'd tell my child that their friend doesn't seem to like being at our house so we better not invite them round.

OhTheRoses · 16/07/2019 20:25

More to this than meets the eye I suspect. If friend is actually bf do you need to question whether your standards are compatible.

If my dc had been so rude they'd have known about it, oth as a step daughter I remember the pain, hurt and resentment and you may not know the full story. If that's the case develop you ei and get a teeny bit real.

Original poster
mummy1970abc · 16/07/2019 20:26

Wolfiefan - 100% NOT a boyfriend. He’s a mate from work and our daughters are the same age. I’m happily married.. He’s separated. My husband is usually here when they come round.
I bet it would put off and prospective partner though.

OP posts:
AllFourOfThem · 16/07/2019 20:29

Would you just stay out of it and not invite her back?

This is exactly what I would do but if asked why, I’d be honest (bluntly so to the parent and in an age appropriate way to the child).

WholelottaPaint · 16/07/2019 20:29

Generally I'm not good at putting up with rude from my own kids - other people's would be a big no! And I would deal with it by not inviting them over.

Hotterthanahotthing · 16/07/2019 20:32

Don't invite her and if you do don't pander to her.
I think it is OK to tell off other friends kids if they are really out of line and my friends did the same when our kids were younger.We passed on infringements at handover and if it had been as enough they'd be told off by their parents too.It rarely happened as someoneabove said your little devil becomes a delight at other people's house.
At 12 if they're being rude they know it

Original poster
mummy1970abc · 16/07/2019 20:38

I’ve spoken to a few mates about it - and they have suggested that I raise it with him.. but I’m a bit rubbish about that sort of confrontation.. and if you think that is the right (and probably grown up) way of dealing with it, what would you say?

OP posts:
user87382294757 · 16/07/2019 20:41

Is your daughter friends with her? I don't understand why you are inviting her, unless she is a friend of your daughters? As an aside could the girl be struggling with a parental breakup as it sound like the dad is alone?

user87382294757 · 16/07/2019 20:42

I would probably say is anything up with (girl) as she seems a bit down / moody?

Original poster
mummy1970abc · 16/07/2019 20:47

The daughter is the same age as mine and they have become friends through the work we do (kids can come too). If I know the dad is working in the area with her in tow I will ask them if she wants to come over.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 16/07/2019 21:07

She's 12. Whoever is making her come to yours needs to stop. She clearly doesn't want to be there, and feels really uncomfortable.

Wolfiefan · 16/07/2019 21:09

Honestly? He’s not much of a friend if you ask other friends and total strangers what to do about his rude kid?
Stay out of it.
Don’t let her be rude to you and stop inviting her round if she keeps it up.

BarbariansMum · 16/07/2019 21:10

Just stop inviting her. If she asks why, or her parent asks, tell them.

BarbariansMum · 16/07/2019 21:10

She's not feeling that uncomfortable if she's complaining and ordering food mrsm.

Whatisthisfuckery · 16/07/2019 21:25

She sounds incredibly rude and badly brought up. My 11 yo is hostile and gobby towards me most of the time but I expect that at his age, and he does get pulled up on it. For everyone else however he’s a perfect little angel, so it’s not like he has no manners.

At this age they do turn into the devil incarnate, but I frequently remind mine that, yes I do understand that kids do get moody at his age, I’ve been there myself, but he still has to behave decently because not all of us are pubescent moody arses and we deserve to be treated with a bit of respect.

I would just not invite her again, and if her dad asks tell him the truth.I know I’d be mortified and furious if someone told me DS was behaving in that way, if he’s not then you’ve got your final answer.

ShawshanksRedemption · 16/07/2019 21:27

I wouldn't have her there unless the parent was there to deal with it.

Have you asked your daughter if X is ok as she never seems happy?

buckeejit · 16/07/2019 21:40

That's awful for a 12 yo. I mind young children & from 2 they can learn manners if they are taught but if not taught ime, they become brattish. If their parents don't teach them, they seem to think that social norms don't apply to them & the lack of manners leads to actively rude behaviour - I've experienced 6 yo asking for specific food without please & thank you, then taking a small bite, spitting it out & throwing food on the floor saying 'that's disgusting!'

The kindest thing you could do for this child is say to her dad 'your daughter has no manners & it's really unpleasant spending time with her. If she could practice & change this small thing, it would make her company much more bearable-has it given you any troubles before now? The fact that you can give specific examples should help. He will already know the difference between a child with manners & one without.

Herefortheduration · 16/07/2019 21:42

My dd is 13, her manners took a big backwards step when she hit puberty and it has been hard work at times to get her back on track. I allow a certain amount of moodiness but bad manners can't be tolerated, she accepts that for the most part. It's not something which you can relax the rules on.

buckeejit · 17/07/2019 11:37

Has she ever had good manners then seems the appropriate question. I can understand the backwards step at puberty but if she learnt them when she was young, they will be easier to recover. I suspect not from the sound of things or at least sometimes it would be second nature

mussolini9 · 17/07/2019 11:43

Would you say something to her?

Of course! She's a young person who still needs guidance, as well as a guest in your home. Why would you NOT say something? Gentle reminders to mind her P&Q's, requests that if she asks for a snack or meal she is sure she is hungry enough to eat it.

This is your FRIEND's child. She comes as part of that package, & if you have the skills to see where friend is falling down on correcting the child's manners, then it's a nice thing to do to take the lead in asking for better behavious in YOUR house.