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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

N/C dad has cancer, what do I do?

27 replies

Pipsnips · 16/07/2019 15:06

Sorry if this is in the wrong place. My mum rang me this morning to tell me my dad had lung cancer and is going to be starting Chemo. I've only seen him twice in six years. The background is that we had a very difficult childhood with him, he was very verbally and mentally abusing, alcoholic, he used to take my mums benefit money and we'd have no food sometimes, sometimes physically abusive to my mum and us kids. He was particularly horrible to my brother. But as can be the way, he wasn't always like this and could be nice if he was in the mood. As a child living in that kind of environment you are always grateful for the good days and seek the abusive parents approval. Anyway, six years ago one of my younger brothers was having a very hard time and I was talking to my dad on the phone and asked him not to call my sibling straight away, but to give him a few days and then maybe talk to him then. My dad took this as me telling him to butt out and basically cut me and my kids and my siblings and their kids out of his life. We weren't seeing much of him anyway but he just shut us all out. I saw him twice in the six years, once when my mum had an operation in hospital, once when he was in hospital. My siblings have no time for him and don't want to know. On the two occasions that I did see him, we just made small talk. I think that if I brought up what happened before he would get angry and I can't face that. Now he's ill, I don't know what to do. I feel like I should support my mum and I of course feel bad for him but I just don't know if I can make a relationship with him, which I feel a bit obliged to do now. I think if I did all the running he would be happy to have me visit him etc but it feels fake and makes me feel vulnerable as I've had to put up mental barriers to protect myself from the fact that he was never the dad we needed him to be and then he rejected us all over again as adults. He doesn't really have any friends, just my mum who doesn't even live with him but will end up running around after him. I'm so confused as to how I feel and what the right thing to do is. Any insight would be gratefully received. Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

MyOpinionIsValid · 16/07/2019 15:11

There is no right or wrong, what do you want to do, what does your mum need support with? Thats the bottom line.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 16/07/2019 15:12

I am n/c with the woman who gave birth to me.

I would absolutely not get in touch regardless of what is going on in her life. Going NC was hard enough, she wouldn't change anyway and would see me getting in touch as her winning.

As they don't live together supporting your mum should be easy for you to do without having contact with your father, if that's what you choose.

Grumpelstilskin · 16/07/2019 15:24

You don't have to do anything. Nor does your mum. If she choses to do so then that is entirely down to her. Please do not feel responsible for her choices either. He was no father to you, therefore you do not need to be the dutiful daughter. Ditto for you mother, she enabled him and therefore caused you to have an abusive childhood.

PianoTuner567 · 16/07/2019 15:25

Him having cancer doesn’t change anything. He’s still the same person who did all those shitty things and the reasons you are NC are still valid.

AnnieOH1 · 16/07/2019 15:31

Cancer doesn't exonerate his choices and behaviour. I would maybe be there for you mom (provided of course that your relationship with her is good). That might mean that you're just there as a listening ear at the end of the phone, or that you can take her out for a coffee. Perhaps you'll do her laundry so she can concentrate on him. Maybe you'll even go so far as to send them both a lasagne to eat together. It all doesn't mean that you're doing ANYTHING for him at all. He's made his bed, let him lie in it.

kshaw · 16/07/2019 15:50

So I have been through something quite similar as of late. My dad is alcoholic, doesnt work, lives at his parents. We fell out roughly two years ago and I hadn't spoken to him for about a year when I got a call from him (at 1.30am in the morning) to tell me he had lung cancer. I didn't really react, I especially didn't react the way he wanted me to react as my universe didn't implode and he hung up without me finding out any details. Anyway, I decided I didn't need to feel guilty as I had made my NC decision before the diagnosis and just ignored it. His mum, my Nan rang me a few weeks later to say he was in hospital asking for me and could I go see him, she was in tears etc and i assumed he was on his death bed to be honest. I went to see him and the nurses beforehand told me his recovery would have been much easier from surgery (lung removal) if the alcohol in his bloodstream hadnt have been so high. So nothing changed since diagnosis. I went to see him for 10 minutes. He was awful. His words: the nurses were rubbish, the hospital staff useless, his newborn great-nephew was ugly...I could go on. I walked out and haven't spoken since. I feel no guilt, I am annoyed I went to see him to be honest. Do not feel guilty for not going if that is your decision. Many people make many bad life choices, your dad has done the same, it is not your fault your life is easier without him. Being blood related does not make you responsible for him or mean you are indebted to him.

sorry this was so long!!!

Brefugee · 16/07/2019 15:52

Ask your mum what you can do for her to support her. Your dad doesn't need or deserve your help.

RosaWaiting · 16/07/2019 15:54

I have to be honest, I would do nothing

my dad had cancer. It is incredibly hard to be there for someone in that situation - even a father who did loads for you, which is the situation I was in.

why you'd subject yourself to that for someone who did nothing - or worse - for you, I don't know. My dad deserved my love and support, and even then it was so hard!

sadly, life does throw illness etc at you and your loved ones. Save your emotional and physical energy for the people who matter.

zafferana · 16/07/2019 15:55

I would support your mum, but I would continue to be NC with him. He's still the same person he was last week and you were happy to be NC with him last week, so I'd leave it at that. But it's up to you. You owe him nothing.

SlowStarters · 16/07/2019 15:58

I echo that him having cancer doesn't change anything. It doesn't make him a good person or a better dad.

How would you feel if he passed tomorrow? If you think you'd have any regrets then it might be wise to think about why, and what you'd like to do to elliviate those feelings.

Whatever you do, do it for yourself and yourself only.

FWIW, I'm NC with my abusive father and I'm indifferent to his existence. If he had cancer I'd just think 'oh'. He wouldn't deserve any sympathy, and I know in my heart if he died I'd feel no regret at all.

PriestessModwena · 16/07/2019 16:01

It's really hard, I'm no contact with a parent, I've always said I wouldn't feel that bad when they died, for the same reasons. When it's actually happening I don't know how I'd feel.

As your Mum is bearing the brunt of it, priority would be supporting her, with another family member who has died, I regret not asking what I wanted to know. So think about any pertinent questions, would an answer make a difference.

Notwiththeseknees · 16/07/2019 16:04

Something very similar happened to me. I did nothing and didn't go to his funeral.
My only regret is I didn't grow up in a loving family & those memories wouldn't change if I got in contact.

Original poster

Pipsnips · 16/07/2019 16:51

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply. I weirdly don't feel much, which makes me feel a bit guilty if that makes sense lol. When my mum told me I was like 'oh'. Obviously I feel bad for him in that he is a person in the world who is ill. But I don't feel terrible, just a bit distant. I think I may have 'mourned' for him already. I'm worried that if I go to him, he will have 'won' as we are in a kind of weird stand off. But I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I came running again. My mum wants me to rally round as she was like 'but he's still your dad, you may regret it' etc but I'm not sure I will. I sometimes worry that makes me a sociopath like we think he is as I feel cold towards him but more likely I'm just protecting my feelings?Anyway, thanks for listening and advice. I think I will offer to support my mum and see how it goes. I still can't help feeling deep down that I'm a bad person if I don't go to him. Eeek!

OP posts:

Original poster

Pipsnips · 16/07/2019 17:14

Didn't mean to post flowers! It was meant to be a sad and confused face 🙄

OP posts:

kshaw · 16/07/2019 17:44

I felt exactly the same! Felt guilty for not being upset but if it wasn't family and was just someone that wasn't a nice person you wouldn't feel upset about it. I wouldn't wish him being ill but at the same time I don't wish him well, I just have no feelings on the matter. I almost feel I miss the idea of a decent dad not the actual dad I have if that makes sense

Conflicted121 · 16/07/2019 17:44

When my sister cut me off OP, I spent a long time grieving and mourning for her. I also spent a lot of time working on my shattered self confidence and had counselling. It was after many years of sick games and gaslighting and I didn’t realise until after just how much I had been affected by her.

She tried to make contact again a year ago. I met her and she hugged me and strangely I felt absolutely nothing and quickly found that she had not changed. That was it for me. When my mum speaks to me about her I feel nothing and no-one can understand why.

I do believe that you can mourn the living. To me she (or the person I thought she was) is already dead.

So I would say you should continue to protect yourself. Do not allow yourself to be out through the guilt mill.

Rock4please · 16/07/2019 18:06

Do it for your mum and for yourself, but only if you want to and to avoid regrets later. Only you can make that decision.

PianoTuner567 · 16/07/2019 18:43

Also, don’t forget, that he could use this diagnosis as a reason to get back in touch with you, evaluate his life and maybe apologise or explain. Bet he won’t though! Why does it all have to be on you?

TremblingFanjo · 16/07/2019 18:51

He's a horrible man. Now he's still a a horrible man but with cancer. It's not going to change the past or make him a better person.

Bluetrews25 · 16/07/2019 20:01

Keep away.
He's the same person. He won't change, and you will, in effect, be giving him the last word.
You won't regret not going, but you might regret it if you do.
Does your DM need support if she no longer lives with him? That would be a better use of your time.

altiara · 16/07/2019 20:21

I’d support your mum, maybe in practical ways like getting some shopping for her where needed, and making sure she has some other plans like going for coffee with you or a friend so she has someone to talk to.
And I agree with you, your dad’s had a wake up call but isn’t trying to make the relationship back up, so I’d leave it, he’s still the same person that cut you out of his life.

Wolfiefan · 16/07/2019 20:24

You are not a sociopath. I am NC with my father. No way would I allow his abusive and manipulative ways anywhere near me and my family. No matter how ill he was. It’s about self protection. You’re not the one who should feel guilty here.

PriestessModwena · 16/07/2019 20:39

I don't think you're a bad person, as with my parent, to me it's like they've already gone too. There's been plenty WTF moments, then again I know their bread and butter is others misery. Nothing delights them more than getting attention when really they're not affected in anyway. Well from my perspective at least.

I read lots of stuff on toxic parents and narcissistic behaviour. If you're querying if you have such traits, they say it's a sign you don't, as such people don't think of the suffering of others.

Original poster

Pipsnips · 16/07/2019 20:54

Thanks everyone, your replies have definitely helped me put things into perspective, I was in a right tizz earlier. I'm going to give my mum as much support as i can as I'm sure shes going to need it x

OP posts:

Grumpelstilskin · 17/07/2019 01:27

Everyone seems to emphasise about OP rallying around her mother. OP, you don’t actually owe her anything either. By what you mentioned, she enabled an abusive alcoholic and did not shield you from growing up in a terrible environment. She had a choice to leave, OP you did not. Why should you feel in the slightest obligated to support a woman who continues to hang around such bad news! That’s her decision but it does not mean that you need to partake in this charade. Plus, she does not really respect your decision to remain NC, that’s pretty toxic shit. Fine, if you want to and have a good relationship with her but you really do not need to feel bad if you want to not get involved.

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