Just to be a little bit angry sometimes?

[Moreissuesthantissues]

I don't really know what's gone wrong with my marriage but we've got some serious issues and can barely have a conversation without arguing. The main problem according to my OH is that I have anger issues. I've tried really really hard to stop being angry but I just get so wound up by him. And now it's got to the point where he's telling me I'm being angry when I'm not - or I'm just trying to explain why I think what he's said or done is different to what I'd have done.
To give an example - and this is just the tiniest thing but happened tonight so I can remember it clearly - he went to get DS a drink and went to the cupboard to get a clean cup. All i said was 'can't you just re-use the cup he's already got?' and he got in huff saying 'well I just can't do anything right'. This is his response to pretty much anything I say to him now a days.
Other examples of when I have actually been cross are when he hoovered up the guinea pig cage instead of cleaning it and broke the hoover. This was the first and last time he's ever cleaned them. He refuses to clean them now saying 'Oh well I just won't do it right '
Same goes for most of the housework - like he stopped hanging the washing out because I asked if he'd straighten it out a bit first.
I guess it is my fault for saying anything and I should just be grateful that he tried to help in the first place. I feel totally to blame for being a bit of a control freak but when I've had to do everything round the house I do just get tired and angry sometimes.
I do work part time as well. And I never get so angry that I'm violent or anything - and the thing that winds me up most is being told that I'm being angry when I'm not really ☹️
So sorry for the long ramble I guess I just need to get it all out. I've started trying to cry more rather than say anything cross anyway but the kids are starting to notice things aren't right
Does anyone have any advice please? If there's some way to stop myself sounding angry that would at least help!

He hoovered out the Guinea pig cage to clean it? Is he an actual dunce?

He’s “helping out”? With his child? And his home? If that’s his attitude I’d be a bit pissed off. It’s hard to judge whether you are micromanaging and interfering, but it sounds like he’s incompetent and needs you to stop him fucking it all up.

My ex was like this - exactly the same thing about hanging out the washing. Also if it was his turn to take out the rubbish could he do it now as the bin was overflowing and smelled bad, but now he would do it "in his own time" otherwise I could do it. I really wasn't a prima donna and did more than my share of housework.

He is now, as you can see, my ex. Sorry, OP.

You don't have anger issues.

He might even be gaslighting (I'm not an expert).

Other examples of when I have actually been cross are when he hoovered up the guinea pig cage instead of cleaning it and broke the hoover. This was the first and last time he's ever cleaned them. He refuses to clean them now saying 'Oh well I just won't do it right '

So, he deliberately and blatantly fucks household tasks up so he can refuse to ever do them again and make you do them instead? And you think that's your fault not his?

Good luck finding anybody who would not be pissed off that somebody hoovered out a guinea pig cage and broke the Hoover.

I'm not convinced you have anger issues, so much as a manipulative husband, but this might help you get some clarity for yourself as you're the one with the full picture: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

If you are sure you don’t have anger issues (you don’t sound like it to me) then you have to work out why he wants to make out you are.

If you can be arsed. I’d leave personally - it sounds miserable.

Who cares about the cup? A small example as you say, but why say it? You might not feel like you’re expressing anger to him but if you’re sniping about that sort of thing maybe he’s feeling you constantly nitpick and undermine him and he really feels he can’t do anything right as you’re frequently telling him that.

He might be awful, completely incompetent and unreasonable or you might be a control freak who has him walking on eggshells by ranting when he doesn’t do things exactly as you want.

Well, in your example tonight - I'm with your dh.

Nobody likes to be constantly criticised.
He was doing / does things differently from you, or with what you perceive to be a little less care (eg the sheets), and - from your own examples - you are on his back the whole time.

I know I'm not exactly answering the question about being angry - on that front, yes, I expect most people have times when they get angry - but the point is, you can't leave him to do things his way, and it is demeaning and soul destroying to have someone criticising your every move.

I agree the vacuuming the cage was a dumb move, but worthy of a lot of head shaking and future ribbing and mocking sort of a move, not a horrific crome against humanity sort of a move.

Seriously? He hoovered the cage?
Get clever and remove the “you” from the instruction. From “can’t you reuse the cup...” to “DS has a cup out already. It can be reused”
“Clothes dry better and need less ironing if straighten before hanging.” Maybe observe if he’s an arse and he’s gaslighting you or you have “an anger issue”. My money is on the former.

I guess it is my fault for saying anything and I should just be grateful that he tried to help in the first place.

Nope. He wasn't trying to help. He was trying to make sure he had an excuse to never contribute again. You don't have to be grateful for being treated badly.

I feel totally to blame for being a bit of a control freak but when I've had to do everything round the house I do just get tired and angry sometimes.

Expecting people to do things properly rather than deliberately breaking stuff and fucking things up is not being a control freak. It's a normal expectation.

Of course you're tired and angry. Not only are you having to do everything alone, but you've got someone screwing with your head.

Seriously, check out the Freedom Programme. Things will start making sense.

He'd make me angry, too.

Why did you say about the cup?

Does he have a tendency to create lots of additional washing and tidying up, for instance, and you were trying to avoid having more work left for you?

Or were you annoyed he was doing something differently to how you would have done it?

That distinction is fairly key. So what was the context?

He's being strategically incompetent.

The hoovering thing wasn’t ideal, sure, but people do stupid things sometimes, it doesn’t make them arseholes.

We have a cleaning setting on the oven. I’m clumsy and burn myself a lot so DH put silicon shelf protector things on the edges. We’d been meaning to clean the oven so one night I stuck the cleaning thing on and forgot to take the silicon things off. The oven smelled horrific and we had to clean nuked silicon crap off everything, it was grim. At no point did DH berate me for being a forgetful twat who was trying to get out of doing it again by intentionally fucking up. He said thanks for remembering to do it, sorry he’d forgotten, don’t worry about the mess, we’d sort it. My ex would have gone on and on and on about how I never got things right, how stupid it was, how he’d never have done it, how the oven was ruined.

Some things just don’t matter. Cups being used fewer times don’t matter.

The oven turned out to be fine.

To be honest I can't see anything he did terribly wrong, and I would feel like I couldn't do anything right if whatever I did was met with some form of criticism.

Have you shown him how you like to hang the sheets out and explain why you do it that way? Or is he supposed to just know? Why can't your kid have a clean cup?

To be honest I would probably think about vacuuming a cage and wouldn't consider that it would bust the hoover. There was a thread on here about someone hoovering her patio and everyone thought that was brilliant but on this thread it seems like he is the most idiotic man on the planet for something not terribly dissimilar!

He might be awful, completely incompetent and unreasonable or you might be a control freak who has him walking on eggshells by ranting when he doesn’t do things exactly as you want

Yep, agree with that, he could be a total arse OP, hard to tell & yes, the guinea pig cage was pretty dumb.

However, from the perspective of someone who has lived with a partner who ‘helpfully’ followed me around telling me, often in an annoyed/negative tone of voice, how I could perform tasks better (including washing hanging tips, using a new glass advice, corrections on cooking techniques, basically how I was doing everything wrong, all the time & his way was the right way - I can tell you it really fucking wears you down...(& then you leave because why bother if nothing is ever good enough...).

The cup didn’t matter, choose your battles OP.

As others have said it's hard to know. Some people are wilfully incompetent so they are not expected to do things around the house. However, if he feels like you are criticising him then I can see why he would get frustrated. I have the same instinct as you OP. I have thought about things and my experience has taught me there is a right way to do things round the house to be efficient . However, I try not to 'instruct' Dh because I know how irritating it can be and I don't want to encourage the perception that he is 'helping' me with my jobs when they are just shared household tasks.

@thetimekeeper it was the first one - trying to make less work but I get what others are saying especially @chipsandgin - I think I have been too fussy and although the guinea pig cage didn't even make me that mad - I have got too cross about other stuff like putting dirty wet clothes on top of clean clothes and stuff like that. He's really not a bad man at all. So what do I do to get help not to be so bothered about stuff?

My dh told me i couldnt wash a plate properly guess who has to do all the washing up now

i can understand both sides maybe he feels lie u nitpick when hes trying to do somethng but then hes a bit thick hoovering ujp a cage

It is one of the worst feelings in the world to feel your partner is second guessing everything you do, and with a particular view to chip away at everything you try. Only you know whether you are nitpicking ( a clean cup, how to hang out clothes!) or if your DH is deliberately mucking up. Personally , these two examples in isolation , aimed at me, would make me feel that you were being a tad controlling , but you know better the dynamics of your relationship

Can you sit down together and work out a way to speak a bit more respectfully to one another? It sounds like you’re winding each other up terribly. I don’t think he likes being told what to do, and I think you’re not expressing yourself very well so you’re feeling frustrated. Talk to each other.

What AnneLovesGilbert said

I've started trying to cry more rather than say anything cross anyway

This sounds manipulative. I get that you are tired and frustrated OP, but it's not simply about getting your message across by any means possible. It doesn't come across as a two way conversation.

To be honest I would probably think about vacuuming a cage and wouldn't consider that it would bust the hoover. There was a thread on here about someone hoovering her patio and everyone thought that was brilliant but on this thread it seems like he is the most idiotic man on the planet for something not terribly dissimilar!

Really?????

It's very stupid

A woman I used to work with, her dh broke their Hoover by trying to hoover something ridiculous. She took it to the shop and said to the assistant, my dh has taken on some more of the hoovering, assistant said ‘say no more’ !! It’s obviously quite common to see a Hoover as a magic clean absolutely anything device!

I also would like to know more instead of the crying instead of getting cross comment.