Just to be a little bit angry sometimes?

[Moreissuesthantissues]

I don't really know what's gone wrong with my marriage but we've got some serious issues and can barely have a conversation without arguing. The main problem according to my OH is that I have anger issues. I've tried really really hard to stop being angry but I just get so wound up by him. And now it's got to the point where he's telling me I'm being angry when I'm not - or I'm just trying to explain why I think what he's said or done is different to what I'd have done.
To give an example - and this is just the tiniest thing but happened tonight so I can remember it clearly - he went to get DS a drink and went to the cupboard to get a clean cup. All i said was 'can't you just re-use the cup he's already got?' and he got in huff saying 'well I just can't do anything right'. This is his response to pretty much anything I say to him now a days.
Other examples of when I have actually been cross are when he hoovered up the guinea pig cage instead of cleaning it and broke the hoover. This was the first and last time he's ever cleaned them. He refuses to clean them now saying 'Oh well I just won't do it right '
Same goes for most of the housework - like he stopped hanging the washing out because I asked if he'd straighten it out a bit first.
I guess it is my fault for saying anything and I should just be grateful that he tried to help in the first place. I feel totally to blame for being a bit of a control freak but when I've had to do everything round the house I do just get tired and angry sometimes.
I do work part time as well. And I never get so angry that I'm violent or anything - and the thing that winds me up most is being told that I'm being angry when I'm not really ☹️
So sorry for the long ramble I guess I just need to get it all out. I've started trying to cry more rather than say anything cross anyway but the kids are starting to notice things aren't right
Does anyone have any advice please? If there's some way to stop myself sounding angry that would at least help!

It sounds like you’re both contributing to a miserable atmosphere at home. The cup and laundry examples that you gave suggest that you can be quite nit-picky. It’s absolutely not the case that you should be ‘grateful for the help’, because these things are his job too, but I would hate to be constantly told how to do something or that I was doing it slightly wrong.

That said, your husband isn’t helping because his responses are childish and designed to help him avoid his responsibilities - he can’t simply refuse to do things because he ‘won’t do it right’.

I think you need to try and talk to each other at a neutral time about how you communicate, and what you each expect from the other. There has to be a compromise to be found.

I can totally see where you’re coming from, but to play devils advocate here for a moment, I think your husband might be feeling very frustrated because it seems no matter how he does something, it’s never going to be right in your eyes.

Pick your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff. Yeah the Hoover thing was really dumb but is it worth getting so angry over? And the cup thing, I know it’s frustrating but again... they’re just things aren’t they?

You both need to take all this less seriously. His way of doing housework is not yours. Leave him to it (with the exception of hoovering the bloody guinea pig cage - that is lazy and he should sort out the hoover afterwards.

I can't stand the way DH pegs out washing. He doesn't shake it and peg it evenly, it's all scrunched and uneven. But in 25 years of marriage, it's genuinely never occurred to me to nag him to do it my way. He insists on restacking the dishwasher every time I stack it so I do leave him to it but we don't row about it.

Start picking your battles more carefully. What would you rather have: a row or an extra dirty cup at the end of the evening?

You need to just chill out a bit.

Plan some family activities, do some fun things together, you'll stress less about the little things then.

I’ve just reread your OP again.

And now it's got to the point where he's telling me I'm being angry when I'm not - or I'm just trying to explain why I think what he's said or done is different to what I'd have done.

One way of reading this is you minimising or denying his perceptions of your interactions and it’s bothered me as it really echoes a past relationship. Nothing quite like someone shouting at you that they’re NOT angry when you can clearly see that they ate. Being told they’re not, while they’re raising their voice or criticising you/your actions is really upsetting and could be considered gaslighting as much as him telling you you’re angry when you say you’re not.

I guess it is my fault for saying anything and I should just be grateful that he tried to help in the first place.

Erm ... nope.
WTF is it with husbands feeling that they "help" with domestic chores? As if the chores properly belong to the woman, & he is being so noble in "helping"? You share a house, he is responsible for half the chores. You have NO need to feel grateful.

Your charming DH has manipulated you by refusing to accept any comment or advice on how to perform chores, so that he can now successfully pull off a sulk & blame you for HIS refusal to do chores properly or even at all.

I've started trying to cry more rather than say anything cross anyway
Oh dear OP, this is not right. Your DH is behaving like a spoiled child, & you are reduced to tiptoeing around his huffiness in order to manage HIS feelings & HIS perceptions.

He sounds like a bully & an oaf.
Please at least look as some assertiveness training, at best some counselling to help you express yourself & deal with his pettiness & irresponsibility.

AnnelovesGilbert it’s really difficult to admit you’re angry if you’ve always been told it’s not acceptable to have that emotion. You’re exactly right, you can say you’re not angry when every other aspect of your behaviour screams out that you are.

What you are doing is taking ownership of problems rather than letting him sort it.

So what if he uses 2 cups? Why is that an issue? both go in the dishwasher, it;'s a complete non event. BUT that thats just the tip of the iceberg, the straw that broke the camels back, .

And he broke the hoover? so he buys a new one. Dont make it your issue.

like he stopped hanging the washing out because I asked if he'd straighten it out a bit first. I'd have been fucked off TBH and probably told you to put the pegs where the sun doesnt shine.

Just because things arent to YOUR standards doesnt mean he's doing them wrongly. Relentless nit picking at someone is nagging, it is demeaning, its undermining and it is pissing him off. Actually it is passive aggressive bullying.

You do sound hyper critical. It's not normal to tell another adult how to do things frequently.

We don’t know he sees it as “helping” only that she does. If that’s how he says it then of course he’s wrong but people are jumping to conclusions accusing him of that.

On the split of chores, OP works pt so it’s not unreasonable for her to do as she’s in the home more.

Crying instead of openly criticising could be a sign of frustration and despair or it could be additional manipulation and emotional blackmail. “Look what you’ve done to me, all I did was expect you to do it exactly as I wanted but you haven’t and now I’m in tears, you utter uncaring bastard” sniffs and sobs. Crying per se doesn’t make you right and the other person wrong.

I'm going against the grain here, which might put me in the nit pickers corner. But if him doing a job badly results in more work for you, then I think you've got a point.
Hanging the washing up badly means perhaps you've got to iron it, whereas if it were shaken first, then the creases drop out. The cup, yes it's just another thing in the dishwasher, but if it's always you who loads the dishwasher, then it's another thing to fit in. Who repaired or organised the new vacuum cleaner. If it was you, then again, his incompetence causes you more work. Putting the wet, dirty stuff on top of the clean... Who sorts that out?
If I'm right that he causes more work then you need to have a conversation about that, otherwise you will just take on more and more of the stuff because it's easier to do it right. That way lies years of resentment.