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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House angel street devil

26 replies

judithandholofernes · 15/07/2019 21:07

NC as I’ve previously posted about family life.

My DH is a lovely man, great father, my best friend - at home. When we are out he is rude and stressed. He gets terrible road rage which makes me anxious. He then gets annoyed at me for being afraid in the car.

For example yesterday we had a day out with the DC, lunch, feeding the ducks etc we then had to meet family for dinner. All day he was sweet until we reached the dinner venue when it was like a switch. He was snappy and quite aggressive towards me. I tried to pacify him at first and eventually told me to stop speaking to me like that and back off. I’m sure our family could have noticed but may not have yesterday. The drive home was stressful he was angry and antsy to get home. Then fine again once we were in the house. He hasn’t apologized and is acting like nothing has happened.

It’s my birthday next weekend - I don’t want a family day out as it will end with me being snapped at and feeling like shit.

How can I address this? He’s two different men.

Not to DF but he is a big weed smoker. I’ve never smoked so I’m unsure of the mood affects. Is it just that he wants to get home to smoke?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 15/07/2019 21:11

Not what you asked but that expression is usually the other way around. Street angel house devil. But you're probably right about the weed. Tell him if he can't act like an adult on a day out there'll be trouble.

1CantPickAName · 15/07/2019 21:13

I used to hate going out with my dh. He would be closed off and totally uncommunicative, giving one word answers whenever I tried to make conversation, even on family days out. He was always rude to people too. It was so stressful and not like him when he was at home. Big weed smoker too.

In the end I would go out without him but would feel like a third wheel when my friends had their partners with them.

We’ve been separated nearly 3 years now.

Wallywobbles · 15/07/2019 21:29

Not being able to have a joint on the go will be an issue. It is the problem basically.

apacketofcrisps · 15/07/2019 21:51

He’s arsey cos he wants his drugs.

StinkinDrink · 15/07/2019 21:59

Yep, I was with a prolific weed smoker for 8 years, the last 3 of those 8 were awful. If he doesn't stop now honestly he will only get worse and your life with him become awful. Sorry to be blunt. Seeing if he wants to quit would be a good start (it wont be easy if he does!) I feel for you as I totally understand. I really hope you find a solution Flowers life is to short to be anything but happy.

Sunfull · 15/07/2019 22:01

Seems likely he is pissy because he can't smoke weed out and about.

Original poster
judithandholofernes · 15/07/2019 23:13

Thanks for the replies.

He’s fine at home and if we go out for most of the time. It’s when we are on the way home or out longer than expected he gets so rude. The way he speaks to me is disgusting. I generally don’t rise to it and ignore it but I’m thinking it needs to stop now.
I’m considering not going on family days out anymore - it’s really not worth it.

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 15/07/2019 23:20

Is this where the bar is? How can he be lovely when he speaks to you in a disgusting way?
This post is yet another reason why I hate drugs. It turns people into this.

DeeCeeCherry · 15/07/2019 23:36

My DH is a lovely man, great father

No he's not. A skunk head can never be that and if you describe him as such then you've not grasped the issue. He is who he is - both sides of his personality are him. & he has zero respect for you, no matter how nice he acts when he's home with easy access to a spliff.

If you want things to improve see him and the issue for what it really is, leave him at home in skunk heaven and go out yourself. A 'great father' who's stressed and angsty when he's out with his family isn't adding to his DCs peace of mind. I'm always surprised when a badly behaved man is described as a great father; no concept that children are sensitive to atmosphere, moods and speech so of course they notice tense situations. The older they grow the more upsetting it will be for them.

Teddybear45 · 15/07/2019 23:39

Look if he’s not like that at work then he clearly can control himself when he’s out and about, he just chooses to lose his temper around you. It’s a form of abuse - I bet he thinks if he does it enough you’ll be too humilated to go out. This was my grandfather’s number one strategy to abuse my grandmother and it worked.

Purpletigers · 15/07/2019 23:41

Your husband is not a lovely man and a great father . He’s a drug addict . He’d have the choice to either give up the drugs or leave . This is no life for you and especially your children . What kind of example are you setting them by accepting this kind of behaviour?

BettyJune07 · 15/07/2019 23:42

Yes its the weed, by the end of a family day out withdrawal will be kicking in. He'll be feeling sick, headache and craving a spliff.

He needs to quit, will be the best thing he ever did. I know someone who's partner is exactly the same and now he just doesn't go anywhere with them. Stays home and smokes all day whilst the family go out. As my friend put it, it's like having a lodger that kisses her.

Original poster
judithandholofernes · 16/07/2019 00:10

I don’t know if it’s getting worse or if I’m at the end of my tether. I am definitely more sensitive to it lately.
It’s like his moods dictate the whole day and then he just acts like nothing happened...

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 16/07/2019 05:04

He gets terrible road rage which makes me anxious. He then gets annoyed at me for being afraid in the car.

For example yesterday we had a day out with the DC, lunch, feeding the ducks etc we then had to meet family for dinner.
Were your DC in the car OP?

Bad enough if you were "afraid" for your own safety but so much worse if your child(ren) were also in the car.

Definitely time to make him see what he stands to lose if he doesn't change and/or get help.

Girlintheframe · 16/07/2019 07:28

I know a close family member who is like this. Mostly lovely and happy but then could get very angry.
Felt like I was walking on egg shells. The anger was totally out of proportion to the 'offence' . Turns out they were desperate for their weed fix. I eventually told them that if they treated me like that again that would be distance myself from them. They have cut down their weed consumption considerably and is now back to being a lovely person.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 16/07/2019 07:41

teddy has a valid point. Does he work OP? Where/what? Access to a spliff somewhere private - does his car smell at all? Because if he does shifts Monday to Friday without being kranky with his colleagues then it's not about addiction, it's about how he thinks he can get away with treating you.

BarbariansMum · 16/07/2019 08:11

Habitual weed smoker is arsey cunt. What.a.surprise. Hmm

Just get him to top himself up whilst you are out
and about and he'll be more chilled. Make sure you drive.

Alternatively , consider that what you are seeing is the real him and think about what sort of lovely man and great father habitually treats the people he loves like shit. If you asked him to stop doing would he get quite cross do you think? And, if he did what would he be like at home.

Bottom line: it only gets worse from here on in.

Bignicetree · 16/07/2019 08:28

Yup, it's the weed

Mrskeats · 16/07/2019 13:45

And yet there are so many people on here that see no problem with weed. And say it's no worse than having a glass of wine-yet I am not in work fantasising about a glass of wine later.
Plus who are you dealing with to get the weed? Grim.

mussolini9 · 16/07/2019 13:54

Not to DF but he is a big weed smoker. I’ve never smoked so I’m unsure of the mood affects. Is it just that he wants to get home to smoke?

Yes.

mussolini9 · 16/07/2019 14:05

He gets terrible road rage which makes me anxious. He then gets annoyed at me for being afraid in the car.

Ah, classic Controller technique: behave arsily, then blame your partner for having a normal reaction to the arseyness.

At first I thought this was a dog-training thread - along the lines of "he will sit nicely at home but when I introduce stimulus by taking him outside he gets distracted/reactive ..."
... & that train of thought has continued - because what you are describing is a man who CANNOT cope with outside stimulus like other road users & a restaurant FFS.
He then takes that inability to cope out on you.

I don't believe a spliff now & then is a problem. But I DO think your DH has a problem. He is dependent on a drug which when taken to excess will cause him to withdraw from social life & be unable to deal with challenges (hence the road rage).

The only way forward is to call him out, see how he responds, & then consider your options. It is entirely likely that his behaviour is going to worsen & you will end up living with - & constantly trying to placate - an angry, closed off, paranoid arsehole who feels it's fine to speak to you in a disgusting way. He needs to hear this from you - & if he refuses to hear it & make some changes, then you have your answer - he prefers the weed to you & family life.

So sorry you are going through this, & NO, you do not need to keep quiet to appease him. He is behaving appallingly & needs to reappraise his drug use at the same time as making amends to his wife & childen.

Original poster
judithandholofernes · 16/07/2019 14:21

I’m not sure how to approach him about this issue. He is not going to see my side at all. I think to save our marriage we need to change this behavior. Either it stops or I stop being out of the house with him. He seems to have no sense of consequences when it comes to his behavior.

2 weeks ago we had the first date day in months. It started lovely but on the way home he was awful, swearing, cursing at traffic, swerving and driving dangerously. I offered to drive multiple times but he refused. I didn’t speak to him for the rest of the evening when we got home. The next day he said I was being off with him for no reason. He seems to forget the way he snaps and speaks to me as soon as he’s home.

I let it slide all the time but I feel exhausted by him lately.

OP posts:
CassandraCross · 16/07/2019 14:29

It’s my birthday next weekend - I don’t want a family day out as it will end with me being snapped at and feeling like shit.

I’m considering not going on family days out anymore - it’s really not worth it.

and that is exactly what your lovely man, great father, my best friend wants to happen.

Still think he warrants that description, OP?

Jemima232 · 16/07/2019 14:37

Either it stops or I stop being out of the house with him. He seems to have no sense of consequences when it comes to his behaviour

No - either it stops or you make plans to split up.

He has to face the fact that he's addicted to skunk and it's seriously impacting your marriage.

I do not think that you should just decide not to go out with him ever again. Tell him that it has to stop - in a kind way, non-confrontational. Drug-addicts always minimise their usage and become defensive about the effect it has on themselves and others close to them.

I bet he has a spliff at work.

EKGEMS · 16/07/2019 15:56

It's verbal and emotional abuse how he behaves and to drive as you say he does is damn near criminal