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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad to do school pick ups?

56 replies

Kelly1909 · 15/07/2019 16:37

My sons dad and I are not together, he stays over night with him twice a week. On occasions (once every 3-4 weeks) I am not able to pick my son up from school on the nights he goes to his dads due to being at work. Am I being unreasonable asking his dad to collect him from school or seeing if his grandparents can? I’ve asked a couple of times and his dad has been annoyed that I’ve asked and said I shouldn’t be working if I can’t do the school run. He lives a 5-10 minute walk from school and drives so that’s not an issue.

OP posts:
JAMMFYesPlease · 15/07/2019 23:54

His night, his pick up. I groan every time there's a useless father mentioned on here. Your ex (and I'm glad he's an ex) is a childish dick.

DCICarolJordan · 16/07/2019 00:00

I’m not sure why this particular post has affected me so much (PMS, perhaps) but fuck this has given me the rage on your behalf! What an absolute tool your ex is! YA absolutely NBU to expect him to do pick ups on his days.

OooErMissus · 16/07/2019 00:20

It's given me the total rage, too.

If he really is this much of a useless, knuckle-dragging spanner, surely he should living in some halfway house with around the clock care.

Treaclesweet · 16/07/2019 00:22

Make him do it every time. It is his job to facilitate contact, not yours.

Spudina · 16/07/2019 00:29

Agree with everyone else. His nights are his to sort. (My DH does school run everyday.) Your ex is talking crap.

blackteasplease · 16/07/2019 00:43

I totally agree. His night his pick up and morning drop out. Even my completely twatty unrealistic exh gets this.

TwistyTop · 16/07/2019 02:49

If your exDP can't do the school pick up then he shouldn't be working.

Wink
Purpleartichoke · 16/07/2019 04:33

He should always be doing pickups and drop offs during his parenting time.

CasperGutman · 16/07/2019 05:06

What a prick! The first time I read the OP I skimmed it and missed that you were talking about your ex's nights - I thought he was refusing to pick DS up on your nights as an occasional favour if you couldn''t make it. Even then I thought YWNBU. The actual situation is just ridiculous.

He's sitting at home, 5 minutes from the school, and expects you to leave work early to go and get his son and deliver him? That's beyond silly. As a dad I'm starting a new job in September and one of the big attractions is the flexible hours will allow me to get to two of the school pick-ups each week. I can't wait!

Spanglyprincess1 · 16/07/2019 05:22

My dp has 3 kids with his exw. His days he does school run and drop Off.
If he has to work he arranged and pays for before or after school club.
Just tell your ex his contact days, his responsibility

StoppinBy · 16/07/2019 06:01

If he has your child on the school morning then yes he needs to take him to school unless mutually agreed otherwise of course. On the nights he has your child he is responsible for picking him up too unless mutually agreed otherwise.

CastleGin · 16/07/2019 06:15

He's in the wrong. What a twat.

Isatis · 16/07/2019 06:33

Tell him that if he is prepared to increase maintenance payments to cover what you lose when you don't work you'll be happy to stop working late on the days your son goes to him.

GCAcademic · 16/07/2019 06:34

Am I being unreasonable asking his dad to collect him from school or seeing if his grandparents can

YWBU to ask his grandparents, yes. It’s your ExH’s job to make the alternative arrangements for school pick-ups on his nights with the children if he can’t manage to get himself there from five minutes away.

MyOtherProfile · 16/07/2019 06:39

Is he at work when school ends? Is that why he expects you to do the school run, to give him time to get home or something, or is he just lazy and sexist?

orangesandlemon · 16/07/2019 06:41

Sounds like a control thing to me. Put your foot Down

LannieDuck · 16/07/2019 06:51

Crazy that he drives past their school to drop them off with you in the morning. What's his reasoning?

cakecakecheese · 16/07/2019 07:02

No you are not being unreasonable to ask your child's father to help with some of the responsibilities of raising him. FFS what is wrong with some people, it's his child too. I can see why you're no longer with him!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/07/2019 07:04

If it's a day he has him then he either collects him from school or arranges a childminder or after school club.

Not your day? Not your problem.

Original poster
Kelly1909 · 16/07/2019 07:21

Thank you everyone. @MyOtherProfile he works 8-4.30 weekdays so just overlapping the school times. At the minute my son can't do the after school clubs as he is at nursery full time but will be able to attend these from September. Though I'm sure I will be the one paying for them no matter who's night it is.

Are there any legal rules about this or would it be a case of just trying to put my foot down? Also is it fair to expect my ex to help with child care (other than his agreed nights? During the school holidays?

OP posts:
CatteStreet · 16/07/2019 07:43

It's not 'help', he's his parent. He has contact, he has responsibilities.

Does he appreciate that this attitude will likely end with his son feeling unwanted by him as he gets older?

Do you already have a court order or anything of the sort? Might it be worth setting out in an email what you think would be reasonable for him to do, incl school holidays etc, and perhaps saying you may have to take steps to having this formalised if he won't agree?

NoSquirrels · 16/07/2019 07:44

Are there any legal rules about this or would it be a case of just trying to put my foot down? Also is it fair to expect my ex to help with child care (other than his agreed nights? During the school holidays?

You can get a contact schedule agreed by court, which makes it legal.

Once breakfast or after school club is an option don’t pay for his nights!

SagAloojah · 16/07/2019 07:47

He should pick up his son on his nights and drop him to school (not yours) the morning after.

Tell him this will be the arranement going forwards.

I'm angry for you, OP, find your anger! Is the access court agreed?

Kungfupanda67 · 16/07/2019 07:53

It makes me sad that this attitude is still there, that everything is by default the mum’s job and that anything the dad does is ‘help’. My dad doesn’t work, his wife works full time - he still talks about how he ‘helps’ her by picking up their 10 year old from school. There’s 2 parents, both equally responsible for childcare and everything else that goes with having a kid

MyOtherProfile · 16/07/2019 08:08

I think you should get access arrangements formalised legally so he can't fart around like this.