AIBU about my mothers wedding?

[sendingallmylovetoyou]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted some advice if possible.

I've had a rocky relationship with my mother since my parents divorce when I was 15. My mum went off to start a new life and seemed to forget she was a parent, only seeing me when it suited her or to try and prove to boyfriends over the years that she was a good mum...

I was really angry at her during my teenage years, (which I'm 32 now) and learnt recently that I just don't need her in my life anymore, its sad but I've made so much effort over the years to try and get our relationship back on track, and all it does is get me no where and cause me stress/sadness.

My mum and her partner came to my wedding but they both kept their distance, and left after the ceremony. I was gutted, and her partner looks miserable in our wedding photos.

In the 5 years since I got married our relationship has become practically non existent. Out of nowhere I received a wedding invitation in the post.

I'm torn if I should go, most people say "it's their day not yours, just grin and bear it". But should I really drive 5 hours down south to attend a wedding when I don't even know the partner as they've made no effort with me? (Only met him about 3 times)

Should I do it for my mother, even though she's neglected me most of my adult life?

I know it's the final nail in the coffin if I don't go, but I'm not sure I'm really losing anything.

I wouldn’t! Can you say you’re away on holiday and book to go away (for one you won’t be around so it’ll take your mind off it. I wouldn’t want to go though if those were the circumstances, mother or not.

I wouldn't go. My dad is on his 5th marriage. I didn't go to wedding number 5 following a similar story to you. We're NC now (not because I didn't go, but it was the beginning of the end). I don't regret it. I would have been going just to do the "please love me" dance and so he could play dad of the year.

I wouldn't even consider going. Your mother has made her bed and all that will result is more stress and sadness. My thought is she simply wants you there for decoration. "See what a lovely mum I am!" bullshit.

If going to parental weddings was a competitive sport, I would be a medal winner. I have never enjoyed the experience and have vowed never to attend one again. Stay at home and spend the time with people who genuinely care for you.

Go just to look fucking miserable in the photos.

I like Elizas idea ruin every single photo you can get in by scowling as horribly as you can, pick your nose etc etc...

Otherwise, no, don't go. You are under NO obligation to go just because she's your mother.

I wouldn't go. I have the feeling that if you did make the effort, you'd be pretty much ignored and then feel hurt and humiliated, wondering why you bothered.

You don't really want to go, do you? I would bet, from what you've said that she only invited you to 'look a good mum'.

If it's the final nail in the coffin, how would you feel? I get the impression that it wouldn't really bother you.

No doubt, going NC will be upsetting. Nobody wants to think that they have a shit mum who doesn't give a damn but I think that ship sailed a long time ago.
Consider taking the final step and go NC. Maybe get some counselling to help you grieve for the relationship that you never had.

Hi OP,
This is a horrible situation you find yourself in through no fault of your own.

The only person who can make the decision is you. When you think about not going, do you get a sense of relief? If so, then don't go.

Your mother has made this decision to be out of contact/crap mum and if going to her wedding will bring you no joy and only anger and stress then you don't need to go.

You're right that it most likely will be the nail in the coffin which is why the decision feels so hard. By even considering this and going through all options means you are by far the better person as you are giving her more thought than she ever gave you.

No, I wouldn’t go, as they only showed their faces at your wedding as a formality.

Or you could accept and become sick the night before if it’s not cost them money (e.g. a meal )

oooh, I get to the MN line! No-one else has

"It's an invitation, not a summons"

fuck em. don't go. Book a holiday!

I wouldn't go. Not a chance in hell.

In your shoes, OP, I wouldn't attend.

I'm sorry to say this, but isn't it likely she's invited you to present herself as a loving mother and in case there are any questions If she didn't?

Doesn't sound as there is anything to hold onto in this relationship and would let it go when you return the RSVP declining. No dramas but no obligation either.

Be prepared, though, for possible recriminations from her side, and calmly maintain your position. 🌹

I wouldnt go. She doesnt deserve the privilege of having you there. You would only be going out of obligation and your time is too precious to be wasting on her.

If you think she wants you there to build bridges consider it, but if you think she has asked you only because other people will wonder why her daughter isn't there then don't put yourself through it.

Although this is our choice, I would say that if you think going would make you miserable , than don't bother. It wouldnt be good for you or your mother.
To be honest I don't see much of a relationship to save, but I assume you want to keep the door ajar just in case, so maybe a kindly excuse would suffice.

only seeing me when it suited her or to try and prove to boyfriends over the years that she was a good mum...

And that's what she's doing again - she wants to present herself as mother of the year. This is nothing to do with building bridges.

You don't have to go, you don't owe her anything.

Don’t bother. She would only upset you. Some parents don’t deserve any head space.

This is really similar to the relationship with my mum. some eerily similar details too.

Does she know how you feel?

Do you have siblings? Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents on her side if the family?

Personally, I'd go.

If you want to cut off from your mum, then I wouldn't use her wedding to do it. Have a conversation with her without mentioning the wedding and explain you don't want any further contact

No don’t go. She wants to look like a good mother. You have nothing to lose anyway if you don’t and would have a crap day if you did .

Shove it in an envelope with a note:

"Moved in two weeks ago and trying to return mail for sendingallmylovetoyou - she no longer lives here. Regards Deborah (or some other made up name)".

I wouldn’t go unless there’s an inheritance at the end for you.

What ever you do, do it on your terms. Don’t consider her if she does not consider you, think about your own needs and if there will be any other consequences with others you respect if you don’t go.
What would make you most comfortable now and in the future what would leave with without regrets.

BogglesGoggles

I wouldn’t go unless there’s an inheritance at the end for you.

Yes, given the backstory, I agree with this avaricious pragmatic approach. However, I doubt there will be.

@MaybeNew I'll give you a run for that medal! I've been to five parental weddings, 2 Mum, 3 dad.