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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend Posting Embarrassing/Potentially Damaging Stuff on Facebook etc.

73 replies

IncandescentShadow · 15/07/2019 13:23

Childish I know but a little upsetting all the same given we are all adults.

I have a male friend, lovely person, lovely wife, been to his house for dinner, etc. Possibly a bit 'old school' 'man likes to be in charge' type.

We all do a bit of cycling, him very casually to keep fit. Many, many mutual FB friends. I used to be a fairly serious competitive athlete, but not world class or anything. In response to a meme I posted on my page on Friday about trying to drive safely around cyclists, he posted a lengthy reply on my post, part of which described how he had been on a car journey with me driving in which I tried to mow down pedestrians and drove dangerously, and apparently I said things about trying to knock people down. All nonsense of course. I'm quite a serious sort of person and don't make 'jokes' like that. Also have friends who have been killed out cycling, although I didn't make that part of my post. Fortunately, I quickly saw his reply and deleted it, and sent him a pleasant personal message saying why I had to delete it as it was unsuitable, and suggesting catching up when convenient to which he replied equally pleasantly.

At the weekend, I did a small triathlon and finished second and posted about this on FB. He then tagged me in a post about triathlon cyclists cycling dangerously that was doing the rounds last year (so must have looked it up especially). I responded "what is this shit?" and he replied saying he thought it was me on the bike in the photo. At the same time, he replied on my own FB post about my triathlon result, making a jokey comment about my age (for some reason, he and two male friends he has like to joke that I am 10 or more years older than I actually am, even though I am much younger than him, I look very young for my age and they don't). I asked him to delete my name and when he didn't, I deleted that, couldn't delete the other post with my name so flagged it up to FB, and it has now gone.

As has he from FB. Possibly serving a ban? I have a network of university contacts/professional friends from other countries who use FB for this sort of keeping in contact (they don't use LinkedIn), and I can't risk being linked to any nonsense like that. Its also really embarrassing. The tone of the messages was clearly to damage my reputation and embarrass me.

But I feel awful about the whole thing. Its spoilt my happiness of finishing second in the triathlon, and instead of having that nice glow of tiredness, I'm thinking about this stuff instead. AIBU to think what on earth got into him sending those posts? He does have a bit of an ironic sense of humour, but theres laughing with someone, and laughing at them...

OP posts:

skybluee · 15/07/2019 15:05

Like others have said, set it so no one can post things to your wall without you approving it first. I did this as I was fed up of horrible photos being put up. So now I'm notified of photos or posts and I have to decide whether I want them up or not. It's a lot better. I had this issue with someone posting my small town on there. I had specifically put London as my location as I didn't want some people on there knowing my precise location, because of some trouble I'd had. It really upset me that a (male) friend posted a load of stuff about where I lived. In fact it affected our friendship to the point it hasn't been the same since. He was completely oblivious to the effect it had on me.

tomatostottie · 15/07/2019 15:12

He sounds like a dick but honestly, just stop using Facebook. It will solve all your problems.

Don't see why the OP should have to come off Facebook just because of one wanker like this. If she doesn't want to use Facebook anymore for other reasons, fair enough - but because of one dick like this?
Learn to use Facebook settings and block people the first time they post stuff you don't like.

BTW, you did brilliantly in the triathlon. Don't let this complete fuckwit spoil it for you. He's obviously jealous and wants to rain on your parade - so don't let him.

Piffle11 · 15/07/2019 15:13

He's no friend. You are rightfully proud of your achievement, and it's as though he feels you need to be 'brought down a peg or two'. Any decent friend would be congratulating you, not trying to put you down or embarrass you. Whenever I stuff on FB (very infrequently) I tick the people who I don't want seeing my post - maybe do that with him? Although TBF I would be blocking him completely as he's crossed a line.

Rachelover40 · 15/07/2019 15:27

He sounds like a twat and he's not a friend.

Facebook is dire and an unnecessary waste of time and space.

petrocellihouse · 15/07/2019 15:30

I have two separate Facebook accounts. One for work and professional stuff and one for personal use (although the latter is fairly well tied down in terms of restrictions). Would this be an option for you?

TypingoftheDead · 15/07/2019 15:31

What a nasty piece of work he is! Congratulations on coming second in the triathlon, though. I'm sorry the shine got taken off your achievement by him.
I don't use FB any more and I've been happier since I stopped using it, but since you do still want to, I think the suggestion someone else had about needing to approve what gets posted is a very good one.

BeardyButton · 15/07/2019 15:54

Read 'Down Girl: the logic of misogyny'. Honestly according to this book (excellent book by the way) he is textbook.

He is trying to use ridicule to smack you back into place for competing for masculine coded goods (in this case sporting success). You may feel bad (so nornal to feel like this), but your response was pitch perfect. You didnt join in on your own ridicule (o yes, ha ha, arent i ridiculous). Instead, without any ire, you called him on his bs. I only wish I could react like this. Well done you. Be proud.

And dont come off fb (and thats from someone who doesnt have a profile). Dont let the bastards get you down. That includes not letting them hound you off a platform you enjoy and get smt from.

ScrambledSmegs · 15/07/2019 16:07

Facebook is a very useful tool for sports clubs/groups etc (I use it for this reason too) so I really don't see why OP should have to leave a social media site that she makes good use of just because an acquaintance is a misogynist dick to her on it.

Block the loser. Stop being 'friends' with him. He clearly can't handle your success.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 15/07/2019 16:12

Change your settings so he can't post on your wall. It's not that complicated just set up a group, add him and exclude that group from permission

Jamsangwich · 15/07/2019 16:13

A male I knew did something along these lines on my business FB, so it wasn't just on my personal page. I deleted his posts and blocked him. He's just like your "friend" - his sense of "humour" involves humiliating others and nitpicking, especially with regards to females. In the end, blocking him worked beautifully. He did ask me if i'd deleted my FB profile and I just said no, I'd blocked him as I really wasn't able to trust him to behave appropriately, but that I was grateful that he'd exposed the loopholes in my setup. I no longer allow tags unless I've approved them. It's just not acceptable and people like this know it, they're just seeing how far they can push you. Don't even try to negotiate - just toss them off your profile and carry on regardless.

Original poster

IncandescentShadow · 15/07/2019 16:20

WomanLikeMeLM Learn to take a joke OP, seriously its not the end of the world.

I know its not the end of the world. That's why I'm posting about it on here...

There comes a point when even the person with the most relaxed sense of humour becomes fed up with being the subject of jokes by a bunch of men. Its embarrassing and damaging my self esteem. I am quite upset, whether that's reasonable or not.

FB settings now changed. I've never actually had to delete or untag myself from anything on FB before. My username is already fake and I literally only post pictures of pets and sporty things. I never post about my work or relationships.

I was really tired after the triathlon yesterday; I got up at 4.30am to get to it on time, drove home and went to sleep. When I woke up, I had been tagged, for all my former university colleagues and former workmates to see, and named. I literally spent two days monitoring and deleting his posts from FB. I don't know what happened to him. It was really strange. Maybe he's not well or something.

Men can be funny about women being good at sport, especially if they aren't involved in that sport and don't see you in that way and think its simply a matter of throwing on a pair of trainers or goggles. You get all sorts of wierdos trying to race you one length to your every 4 in the swimming pool! Men who actually do the sport are usually fine.

I'll let him cool off and hopefully see him out and about at some point in the future and we can be friends again. But I'm not being friends with people who make fun of me. Its literally not funny!

OP posts:

Original poster

IncandescentShadow · 15/07/2019 16:21

Jam they're just seeing how far they can push you

Oh, absolutely, that is exactly what they do.

And then of course they will be the victim when you object to it.

OP posts:

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 15/07/2019 16:24

He made a comment, you didn’t like it and said so. You deleted it.
He made another comment, roughly same outcome.
He decided he didn’t want to see your posts if his comments were going to be rejected and so blocked you.

No problem, you’re just not what each other is looking for on Facebook.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 15/07/2019 16:26

There’s a lot of sexist nonsense being spouted on this thread.

colourlessgreenidea · 15/07/2019 16:26

WomanLikeMeLM Learn to take a joke OP, seriously its not the end of the world.

I’m genuinely unable to decide if this is an attempt at humour

ethelfleda · 15/07/2019 16:30

OP - I just want to post saying congratulations on your triathlon result. You must be very proud.

(This is the only important thing in your post, everything else is irrelevant )

yearinyearout · 15/07/2019 16:39

He sounds like an utter cockwomble, and not someone I would want as a friend on Facebook or otherwise. I can see how it's tricky though if you have mutual friends and socialise in the same circles.
Hopefully he has just blocked you on fb and you won't have to put up with his shit anymore, it doesn't mean you have to ignore him in real life if you don't want things to be awkward.

Jamsangwich · 15/07/2019 16:43

IncandescentShadow blocking is your friend. Honestly, don't waste a moment more on this. In the slim chance that this was a misjudgement on the other person's part (unlikely, but still) just block and carry on wihtout making a fuss or trying to get people to take sides. Don't dwell on it, don't speak to any of your mutual acquaintances about it or why you've blocked him, just focus on the good things, like your triathalon results. Don't answer questions from anyone who's heard his story with anything but a shrug and a basic "he was finding it difficult to keep posts appropriate on my FB timeline, now how was YOUR day??" deflection. Don't give it any air and the situation will just wilt and suffocate.

It hurts but sometimes you just have to put your wellbeing first.

ScrambledSmegs · 15/07/2019 16:50

And congratulations on your amazing triathlon result! You're superhuman 💪🏻

Happynow001 · 15/07/2019 16:56

I'll let him cool off and hopefully see him out and about at some point in the future and we can be friends again. But I'm not being friends with people who make fun of me. Its literally not funny!
Actually I'd stay well away. This person really doesn't have your best interests at heart.

thetimekeeper · 15/07/2019 17:02

Possibly a bit 'old school' 'man likes to be in charge' type.

So, I read this and thought, "this is going to be another post about a misogynistic, controlling bully manipulating and trying to dominate, isn't it?" but then I too myself, "no, let's keep an open mind, maybe this post won't be like that".

Except that is exactly what's going on here. I assume you're calling him lovely based on the charming persona he uses when he's not trying to put you down and put you in your place?

There's really nothing weird about his behaviour and they're not jokes. Abusive men like to call their put downs "jokes" to try and shirk responsibility. Just because somebody says their insult was a joke doesn't change its character into a joke or mean you have to laugh along.

Don't make excuses for him. He's a domineering bully, and it's not out of character for him because you're clearly used to fending off his nastiness with his friends. You're just confused because you can't marry it up with the fake loveliness he puts on to get away with it.

I feel sorry for his wife. If this is how he treats you in public, imagine what he's like to her behind closed doors. He's behaving like a classic coercive controller/domestic abuser, including the faux charming public persona and the "calm down, it's just a joke" routine.

Focus on your triathlon achievement instead of letting him win by dragging you down and getting you to waste your energy worrying about him.

groundanchochillipowder · 15/07/2019 17:07

I once dated one of these 'old-fashioned' 'you need looking after' men. It's code for misogynistic prick.

Juells · 15/07/2019 17:52

I can't believe you didn't block him the very first time he and his friends made remarks about your appearance. All three are inadequate, jealous shits.

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