SAHM 6 years. Feeling uuuggghh. Trying to get a job.

[Cantdoright1]

I have a 6 year old and 2 year old. Years of horrendous IVF to get them both. Eldest just finished year 1 and youngest happy at nursery. I've started looking for a job recently doing what I did before I took 6 years out. I was contracting and want to do that again but part time in IT as a project manager. I was a program manager before but don't want to go back at that level yet.

I had a lovely 4 years at home with the kids but the last 2 years have been rubbish. My son didn't settle at nursery so I pulled him out and waited another year for work. Now he's happy at 2 days a week and I've booked him 4 days a week from September in the hope I find a job 3 days a week then I can cut him back to 3 days a week at nursery.

Anyway I've been looking for a job for month and only found one to apply for. I know this is because it's part time contracting and I haven't really been looking hard. But one job I saw would be working for a lady that was very junior to me previously and I feel humiliated. I am only now realising what I gave up to stay home. I realise in an ideal world I would have gone back to work 2 years ago but I suppose that wouldn't have made much difference as still 4 years off.

I think my kids have benefitted from me being around but they are also spoilt monsters at times. Im just feeling sad im likely to find it alot harder to get back to what I did than I expected and I didn't anticipate seeing lots of people I used to work with on linked in now in very senior positions. I don't even want a very senior position.

I just don't know how to word it all really. I've been lucky to afford it I know. I do have a husband whose a high earner but earned good money before kids so saved as well. Just finding it all a bit demoralising and the constant winging and whining from the kids makes me want to escape more!

I don't want to change careers. I may have to look for a permanent position or something full time. Just wish I could have split myself in half and been a SAHM and gone to work.

I know exactly where you are coming from, but in reality very few women manage to pick up and stay on the same career trajectory after a prolonged period at home. TBH this bit stuck out a mile But one job I saw would be working for a lady that was very junior to me previously and I feel humiliated. this woman may very well have superseded your position had you not taken a career break, but I digress.

You don’t seem to be able to accept change - I didn't anticipate seeing lots of people I used to work with on linked in now in very senior positions. - whilst your life has stood still, others have moved on.

Sincerely I would suggest you either go through a temping agency and do some bits and bobs, or you swallow your pride and go in on a step down, brush up your industry skills and make a decision whether you have the ability, skills and support to continue in that career, or whether your priorities have changed and you just want the human contact and a feeling of being useful/needed/wanted outside of the family, regaining your individual identity

The people who used to be your juniors have had 6 years more experience since you were last at work. You'd hope they would have moved into more senior positions!

It's that old chestnut- you can't have it all. We've been sold a lie. I'm working part time in my old job at the same position I used to. It is the best of both worlds in some ways, but the worst of both in another. I feel like I'm failing at my career as I cannot put in the hours and energy that I used to and I'm going to be putting my kids with a childminder for school pick ups when they start and picking up tired and emotional kids. My house is a mess and I'm run down constantly. I need a cleaner, cook, adoptive grandparents and Nanny to feel on top of things and I only work 3.5 days a week. God knows how full time workers do it.

I hope you get back into a job you love soon. Whatever choices you make with careers/jobs/families there is always sacrifice x

Just to add: I know I am extremely lucky to be in my position though!

But one job I saw would be working for a lady that was very junior to me previously and I feel humiliated

But it would have been very humiliating for her to have worked for 6 years and remained junior to someone doing something else. I work full time after children, and even so I have seen people promoted past me while on maternity leave, or even when back because they were seen as more committed than someone with caring responsibilities. Unfortunately there's no way to maximise home and work - I think we'd all like to split ourselves, whether sahm or wohm (and increasingly many fathers too).

What you've done has been great for your dcs. After such a long break, getting the perfect job is less likely. It might be that you can get something part time but not as senior as you'd like, or senior but full time - then once you're back, you're in a much better position to find a better role, at that company or elsewhere. Or if it's too demoralising to feel like you've missed too much, would you consider retraining to find a job that might be more suitable to your circumstances and give you some new energy?

You need to not take it personally that people who used to be your juniors are now in more senior roles. Tbh, if you had been working continuously for the past 6 years, surely you would have expected to progress professionally? It doesn’t mean you’ve ‘failed’ in any way, just made different choices.

I do think working part time does restrict your choices, but it’s a trade off isn’t it? I personally didn’t take any time out of the workplace and returned straight after ML but I did drop to 3 days while my dc were pre school age and then stepped back up to full time when the youngest was 4. I’ve no doubt that my career could have progressed faster if I hadn’t done a few years p/t but that was my choice; I wanted to be working fewer than 5 days when the dc were very little.

You will get something, but you may have to adjust your expectations initially; get a foothold in the workplace again and once you’re in work it becomes easier to progress

I really sympathise with your predicament but think PP have hit the nail on the head re your career standing still whereas others have moved on. Think of alll the hours they’ve put in over 6 years to achieve that.

However from a practical POV I think the issue is you’re really going to struggle to go straight into part time work with a new company. I would consider full time or appeal via linked in etc for a work
Share partner and present yourselves as candidates for full time
Roles

I agree with PP - you need to swallow your humiliation, start applying for jobs and not worry about what's happened to your old colleagues! You still have a useful skillset as an IT project manager, and I'm sure you'll eventually be able to find something that's right for you. Yes, you'll be at a lower level compared to others who didn't take the time out - but you got the 6 years with your DC, which is a really nice thing to have had.

I didn't anticipate seeing lots of people I used to work with on linked in now in very senior positions.

Why not? Six years is a long time. While you've been at home looking after your DC your former colleagues have been gaining skills, knowledge and experience so it's only right and to be expected that they've moved up the ranks.

Oh love, I can imagine how you're feeling but if you do know the people who are now senior to you then don't cut off your nose to spite your face - use your contacts, be smiley, tell them you hope they remember you, sell how good you used to be and get the part-time job you want on the back of being a reliable known quantity!

I think you need to be more realistic. So many want the ideal PT job with flexibility for school events and holidays or school hours, that pays well, etc. and refuse to consider anything else. Of course people who were junior to you will have moved on in 6 years! You've been out of the workforce. Why is this 'humiliating'? A quid is a quid no matter who your boss is. Why not be happy for them and see it as an opportunity to learn something?

I've been a SAHM for 4 years now and have had trouble getting back into work in very junior admin roles as my experience was more senior so not quite the basic admin experience they wanted to hear about (and also 4+ years old).

I was very lucky to find a role in my old field. Pay is about 25% less and I'm junior to where I was before. But it's a foot in the door. I think you should apply for everything, consider temping and get some new experience under your belt. You might be able to rise through the ranks a bit quicker if you wanted to.

I had 7 years out. I have been back 3.5 years now.
I accepted a job waaaaay below my previous salary. I have been promoted since, but a quick glance at LinkedIn tells me that people who reported to me now probably earn around 50‰more and some of my former peers more than twice as much. That's just how it is and there is no point getting upset about it. It is much more of a struggle to prove myself now as I have to leave to pick kids up and have a gazillion other things in my head that aren't work.
I'm still glad I got to spend that time with my kids when they were small. But you can't take several years out and expect to pick up where you left off, never mind where you could have been

‘We’ve been sold a lie’...well when you think about it realistically when you have children life will change. Someone has to look after the children, whether it’s one of the parents or you outsource the care to a nanny,childminder or nursery. Employers understandably want their staff working when they’re needed and that’s what they’re paid for. I think if parents actually believe it will all stay the same as work prechildren they are seriously naive. The key word though is parents, not just mums.

While I think its good to get back into the workplace .The fact that you wish you could split yourself in half .and be a SAHM and gone to work is what most people wish!.In reality working when you have children is always going to be a compromise Im afraid!.You will have to start slowly and build up as you can depending on your circumstances ,When children are ill or on long school holidays ,you need back up and the reality for most people are holiday clubs ,childminders ,and so on and HW too!.Need to get DH to start doing some HW if possible and maybe have some back up if LO are ill!

Agree with angstridden2 - I don’t think we’ve been ‘sold a lie’ and I don’t think anyone really believes that outdated notion of ‘having it all.’

When you have children, things change. Some people choose to give up work completely. Some people keep working full time and use childcare, some people work part time and use childcare. There’s no right or wrong way- they’re all choices, and everything has upsides and downsides to it. It’s unfortunate that your ds didn’t settle at nursery which meant your return to work is later than you’d like... but tbh we all operate within certain restrictions. I only had 3 months off with dd1 so there were no settling problems with childcare - at that age it’s probably easiest to start leaving a baby at that age from that aspect. But the downside was that physically it was very very hard work- breastfeeding including night feeds - arrrgh!!

I know how you feel, I am a nurse with 13 years of experience, 10 years in current speciality. Some of the ward managers were my students Time just passed by whilst I was busy having children.

I recognised this bothered me a couple of years ago. I’ve worked hard to up my game, I’ve been back to uni and done lots of courses to update my CV. Now I’m ready to apply for a senior role... I don’t want it Knowing I could if I wanted to seems enough for me. Swallow your pride and throw yourself back into it, you’ll probably realise it’s not the bee all and end all

I’m guessing you’re around late 30s OP? The thing is that your 30s can be a time for a big career jump if you get the right opportunities. I was a SAHM for several years in my 30s. Of course I knew theoretically that my old colleagues would overtake me, but like you I hadn’t quite anticipated the extent of it! I went back to work to the perfect flexible job but I did take a significant pay cut.

6 years is a long time to be out of the workforce. My first maternity leave ended 3 years ago and I’ve been promoted twice since so all kinds of things can happen.

I worked full time prior to kids, made myself pretty useful then negotiated my hours down. Lots of women do this and they know they’ve got a good deal so they don’t leave, therefore there’s not a lot of part time jobs advertised.

A friend of mine was a SAHM for 9 years but spent the time her youngest was in preschool doing volunteer work. She got the first job she applied for. Might be something to consider.

Can you see how working for someone who used to be very junior to you might be a bonus? Ie they will see you as someone they know to be a talented and valuable team member who supported them when they were starting out and might want to return the favour by supporting your return from work and getting your career track back to where you want it. If you go to them fully respecting how their career has grown and confident that you made the decisions that were right for you at the time it could get you a lot of respect.

I'm a head of projects and recruit PMs a lot. We always advertise full time but more than happy to consider part time if people ask so don't assume employers wouldn't consider. Particularly if public sector. We don't get a lot of applicants. Feels like an employees market at the moment. I'm sure you'll catch up once back in workplace. One of my PMs had 3 lots of maternity leave in a row but has been back for a couple of years now and just promoted.

You just have to suck up the drop and working for and with people younger than you. You may need to look at permanent too. Or try sites like peopleperhour for more casual work. Build back contacts if you’ve lost them - most of our contractors are already known to people within the company.

I did six years at home too but changed careers. I’m about to change again, well more the industry than the profession but I have to start from the bottom and be surrounded by 20 somethings. I’m not bothered at all and being self employed will help. However I’m mid 30s so don’t feel that much older, many people my age are having babies now so it’s my turn to catch up.

They've had six years to advance. I imagine most of them used it to their advantage. They are obviously going ri be ahead of where they were and you have to start lower again. Suck

After all those years, you're essentially starting again.

Of course people who've put in another 6 years at work, gaining relevant, up to date experience and skills whilst you've stayed at home, are likely to be much more senior now.

I don't have any answers, I'm afraid, but it's why I (and other people on this thread, it seems) went straight back after ML.

Would it be a good opportunity to go in a different direction, career wise, rather than start at the bottom again in the same industry and feel resentful?

I work part time now in a school. I earn a 5th if what I did before. I realised that once I left my career to be a sahm I’ve would never be on that kind of money again. And it hurts sometimes but then I look at my children and also the fact I can walk out the door without taking work home with me and remember that for me at least I made the right choice.

Look at it this way

It is good that your ex colleagues have advanced their careers, this should be a positive

Use your contacts to get a job

I know a couple of people who changed career or were made redundant, it took over 100 job applications to get the right sort of job & over a year

You have only been looking for a month !

I've started looking for work after 6 years off work nearly. The last 9 months Ive been doing regular volunteering and studying a higher qualification. The first job I applied for I got an interview. Didnt get it but it was all very positive and I'm aware it could realistically take a year for me to get a job as I'm quite restricted by hours/distance. And yes for maybe a third of previous salary, as employers know they can pay very little and still get loads of good applicants if they are offering flexible part time hours. Thats just the way it is. I still made the right choice to stay at home.