SAHM 6 years. Feeling uuuggghh. Trying to get a job.

[Cantdoright1]

I have a 6 year old and 2 year old. Years of horrendous IVF to get them both. Eldest just finished year 1 and youngest happy at nursery. I've started looking for a job recently doing what I did before I took 6 years out. I was contracting and want to do that again but part time in IT as a project manager. I was a program manager before but don't want to go back at that level yet.

I had a lovely 4 years at home with the kids but the last 2 years have been rubbish. My son didn't settle at nursery so I pulled him out and waited another year for work. Now he's happy at 2 days a week and I've booked him 4 days a week from September in the hope I find a job 3 days a week then I can cut him back to 3 days a week at nursery.

Anyway I've been looking for a job for month and only found one to apply for. I know this is because it's part time contracting and I haven't really been looking hard. But one job I saw would be working for a lady that was very junior to me previously and I feel humiliated. I am only now realising what I gave up to stay home. I realise in an ideal world I would have gone back to work 2 years ago but I suppose that wouldn't have made much difference as still 4 years off.

I think my kids have benefitted from me being around but they are also spoilt monsters at times. Im just feeling sad im likely to find it alot harder to get back to what I did than I expected and I didn't anticipate seeing lots of people I used to work with on linked in now in very senior positions. I don't even want a very senior position.

I just don't know how to word it all really. I've been lucky to afford it I know. I do have a husband whose a high earner but earned good money before kids so saved as well. Just finding it all a bit demoralising and the constant winging and whining from the kids makes me want to escape more!

I don't want to change careers. I may have to look for a permanent position or something full time. Just wish I could have split myself in half and been a SAHM and gone to work.

It is a bit demoralising. I was a SAHM for 12 years. I had 4 dc close together and 2 were eventually diagnosed with ASD and can be quite challenging. It took a long time to be in the right headspace to consider working and am now a TA - completely different sector! I’m able to pick up my dc (important as they wouldn’t cope with after school club). I now earn what I used to in day in a week. My monthly wage is less than my weekly wage over 12 years ago.

The fact is my dc are prone to poor mental health as I’d prefer to compromise my career to hopefully allow them to be able to work and have a career (they have ASD). It can sometimes be a bitter pill to swallow but I guess we make our choices.

Thanks everyone for replying. I can't even find the right word to describe how im feeling but it feels like the last 6 years have gone by in a blink. I loved my old role and looking for work now reminds me how much! When I left work I'd been doing IVF for 5 years to have a baby then spent the next 3 years doing more IVF trying to get a sibling so I never even considered what I was giving up work wise.

I know I need to look for a job for longer and widen what im looking at. Im thinking of looking for full time just to get back into work but that may be a knee jerk reaction to another boring, stressful but with occasionally lovely bits, day with the kids.

Thanks everyone. Seems there really is no way to have it all!

I will also look at doing some more training as agile project management seems to be the in thing.

Pippa, thanks for your post. So nice to hear you didn't want the promotion. I have very rose tinted glasses where my old job is concerned. It can never be like that because thankfully I have kids. Even if i got the same program manager role I had before it wouldn't be as good because I couldn't give it the amount of hours and head space that helped me enjoy it last time. I get frustrated now if I have an appointment for something like dentist or a day out with a friend and one of the kids is sick so we have to cancel. I can't imagine how stressful that would be with a boss to answer to!

Ready to retire - can I pm you to ask details of your agency or sector? I'd love some advice on how to approach applying for a FT position whilst asking for PT. I understand I couldn't run bigger projects or programs on a PT basis so im accepting I would get smaller projects to deliver but I still am so excited about delivering something that isn't housework or mealtime related😀.

It is really hard and I’ve only had maternity leaves rather than time out. What I’ve realised is that having children in your early 30s often means you hit middle management level. Those that then get to really senior positions do the hours and push on but also junior people can push to the middle management levels quite quickly as they are putting in everything without distraction. Although common, I’m realising having kids at 30 was very bad for my career but I reached a point where I was paid well for part time hours. Another 5-7 years would have been better career wise (although I don’t think part time would have been an option then) but I wasn’t prepared to wait that long and I’m glad I didn’t just make a decision on the basis of career progression.

It is really hard. I don't know who thinks they were sold a lie about having it all since most of us surely must be old enough to remember the struggles of other women we'd worked with when they either decided against a family, or went back to work (too) early etc etc.

In your shoes, OP, I'd probably sit down with my partner and work out what we want, who will do what etc etc, and maybe you'll find that he will pick up a lot more. In fact if you want to work, even part-time, you'll probably both have to readjust and do things differently than you have while you've been a SAHM.

Brefugee I agree. As one of those older women (now in my 50s) I would say that although there’s never an ideal time to have babies, and although you have to accept it will impact on your life and work, I do genuinely believe that legislation makes things easier than ever before. Both in terms of maternity, paternity and shared parental leave rights but also in terms of the wider availability of childcare and the free hours which kick in.

I was back at work when dd was 12 weeks old which was very very tough physically (though on the flipside easier work-wise because I didn’t feel out of the loop and easier for dd to settle in childcare) Paternity leave didn’t exist and as dh was a teacher at the time, he was literally back at work the day after the birth. Of course all this seems very tough now but it was perfectly normal back then. And of course I was lucky compared to my predecessors because as you point out, the previous generation often had to make the choice between career or job. And going back even further, there were some careers where women were expected to give up work when they married regardless of children!

So I think the myth of ‘having it all’ has by now been well and truly exposed as that - a myth. A better way to look at it is ‘what balance do I want in my life as a mother / father?’ And then strive to create that. And I do believe that with the legislation out there it’s quite possible to create a good balance now

Oops I meant career or children
Goodness, that must have been a really tough choice: thank heaven we don’t have to make that sacrifice now

totally agree, @Gatoadigrado - we're about the same age, I guess and i remember having my #1 (later than a lot at the time, at 33) my mum said that she was a little envious that i had a job to go back to (as it happened I didn't and that is a whole other saga)

And I'm even luckier because where i am, at that time, you could split the 3 years parental leave however you liked with the other parent. Which meant that my DH could take 18 months (and luckily what he does is often weekends anyway, so he kept on working part-time anyway)

It can be really tough to find the balance that works for you. And I found it excruciatingly difficult at times right up until the DCs were about 15. So prepare yourself!

Thanks all.
Im afraid due to IVF i am a much older mum than you all sound. I am 45 so i had reached a very senior level before i had children due to spending 5 years trying to have my first child who is now 6! On the positive side i have lots of experience at that senior level but i feel way too old to have a toddler! Its all a compromise isnt it.

Ive now started looking at permanent roles as i realise contracting may not be possible at this stage. Ive also signed up to a course on a new method of project management just to help my CV and get my mind working again whilst im applying for roles. Im also looking at roles within projects but different roles that lend themselves more to part time hours.

Its nice to have a plan so thanks again everyone, although i still feel desperate to get back to work now, doing what i loved previously, im slowly coming to terms with that not being realistic and so am resetting my expectations. For a long time it looked like i would never be a mum and its certainly the hardest thing ive ever done so im trying to be grateful for the kids and accept a dip in salary and job role as yet another sacrifice for my kids.

Thanks again everyone.