Kids don't want to go to dads

[Brandnewshit]

I'm wondering if anyone can advise
I have 2 dc dd 10 and ds 14.
Backstory as I don't want to drip feed.
Ex was emotionally abusive, split 3 years ago.

Police, SS, GP, coundelling,women's aid, solicitor and school support worker involvement.

I have zero contact since last Xmas, as he continued to be abusive even through a designated separate email account.

When we split he was determined to make the kids hate me, he told me that was his goal, ie malicious reports to ss, ringing my parents, neighbour's etc.

He told me that the DC would eventually hate me.

I have tried to hold my head high, despite him withholding CMS money for the 5 days before he can be reported when we've been struggling, repeatedly brings them home late, pisssing about with not returning clothing I've bought, adding his partners 2 kids (who are 17 and 18) to the CMS claim to reduce money to his own DC.
Not contributing to another penny over the CMS calculated amount.
Just the usual stupid shitty behaviour etc...

I've never bad mouthed him to DC, never stopped access, had to simply explain to them that they will have to wait a bit longer for items they need as I don't have the money.
I am disabled, on every benefit going and struggle, physically emotionally and financially.

Over the last few weeks my DD10 has been v upset about going to her dad's.
She has said she doesn't want to go,
DS14 is borderline on wanting to go
He's at the age where he wants to sit on his Xbox all day and chat to friends online, so where he is doesnt really matter to him
Ex is an angry man, emotionally abusive, hence us splitting, v long backstory.
DD10 has been in tears tonight.
She doesn't want to go to his anymore.
Reasons are... he's angry all the time, doesn't listen to her, sits in kitchen with his current partner drinking and gets cross if they go in kitchen, the house is dirty, in her words, the kitchen is disgusting, smells (Which from the horrible deep fat fryer smell they come home smelling of, I can believe)
His partner has 2 large dogs that have destroyed the house, sofas, carpets, ripped a shower off the bathroom wall, cover her belongings in hair.
She was v upset, asked if she can stay at home this coming weekend instead of going to his.
I don't know what to do, it's obvious that they are seeing him for what he is.

I have purposely never bad mouthed him to them, encouraged them to see him, which to start with they were happy, as he was Disney dad, but they are now realising that he is a waste of space, for themselves
I want them to have s relationship with him.
I'm not the stop access for nothing type of parent.
But what do I do?
She doesn't want to go, DS isn't fussed either way.
I've sat with her tonight, told her get dad loves her, she needs to tell him, but she's scared to tell him as in her words he will get upset and angry.
We have 5 days left of school term, so the school support worker is out of the question.
My new partner is v supportive and has offered to contact him.
I know if i try to email him, no matter what I say it will result in a barrage of abuse.
Do I force them to go, do I let them stay with me on his weekend
No court order in place.
Pls help, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't
TIA

I don't think there is a set age.
Have a look at THIS LINK

Thank you, that was what I'd found from googling, there is no set age.
From what she had said I thought there must be a set age.

I have been through this. My eldest was less keen to see their father last summer. I too was encouraging and supportive. but he just refused to go when he came for them.

It was a difficult time. I supported my eldest by reassuring them they have a say. Ex would shout and be threatening. Which didn't help at all. He hasn't seen dad for 8 months now.

Legally you have a duty to protect the children. And you can stop contact if it is detrimental to their well being. If courts are involved they will listen to what the child has to say from the age of 8. But it is variable on their level of understanding. And reasoning.

Once the dust has settled do you think he will bother with court?

Would dd be happy to see him for a few hours. Offering an alternative moving forward?

This is clearly difficult situation for you all.

I don't know if he would bother with court.
He's threatened all sorts over the years, he was going to get full custody at one point according to him.
But I don't know.
I don't know if he would actually bother.
I'd hope he would just buck his ideas up and listen to what she is saying.
I know I will get blamed, he can't possibly see that his behaviour could cause problems.
I feel sick with anxiety that I'm going to have to engage with him.
I'm going to have to facilitate explaining to him how t8 be a better parent, that's if he doesn't go nuts at me when I email him

And despite every horrible thing he has done to me, all the counselling I've had, all the stress he's caused me, all the times he has gone out of his way to ruin me, like he said the day he left, I actually feel sad for him that his kids don't want to see him.
Sad for them, but sad for him too.
I'm in idiot

You’re not an idiot. You’re a woman who escaped an abusive man.

Be strong for your children. You can do this!

Why do I feel sad for him, is it me feeling bad for the kids, cos they feel like they don't want to see their dad.
I can't figure out why I feel like this.
I think I feel guilty, but I know it's not my doing.

I can't really do anything other than repeat all the good advice that pp's have given except to say please protect your dd. Let your ds go if he wants to go but she is 10 and you are the adult here. If you don't stick up for her who will? If you are scared of your ex how do you think she feels and she has to stay there.

I do understand. I've had similar and I didnt send them.x

Hi op, I had a mum that didn’t seek to remove me from time with my father who had all manner of issues. As it was I spent a lot of time in a very unhappy and unsafe environment and was neglected. As an adult I still struggle with this and can’t forgive my mother.

It sounds like you’re acting with your children’s best interests at heart, and struggling with the long term effects of an abusive relationship. Well done you.

Hold your ground, follow your moral compass and know that contact with a parent isn’t always in children’s best interests. I hope you can find the guidance to work your way through this situation - I think having spoken to your children’s school is a very positive action.