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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visiting my 5 year old.

46 replies

BillR1 · 14/07/2019 21:03

Good evening,

Some background to my situation:

My daughter, who is 5 now, has been raised by her mum (my ex-partner) over the last 5 years. I see my daughter every Saturday for the whole day. I've only missed a Saturday if they go on holiday.

We spend Saturdays together and the 3 of us go out and do the usual things like going to the park picnics etc, or we stay at home playing board games, reading, have lunch/dinner etc. I think that this routine works best for the psychological well being of my daughter rather than shuttling her between my place and my ex-partners (which is about 2 hours by train).

Of course I want to spend more time with my daughter. Whenever I bring up the subject of bringing my daughter to my place, sleepovers, see my mum etc I am met with a 'No way'. The result is that I've stopped asking and just get on with the way things are to keep a positive atmosphere for my daughter (and for me).

Am I managing this situation in the right way? As I said, my priority is my daughter's well being so if you have any suggestions or ideas that could help me please let me know.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
MonkeyToesOfDoom · 14/07/2019 21:06

Why is ex saying 'No way'?
Could your mum come with you one Saturday?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 14/07/2019 21:11

No. You shouldn't have to spend time with your EX.
You should stop asking and see a solicitor for a CAO. Then she doesn't get a say. Whatever is decided in court will be what happens.

Pungifries · 14/07/2019 21:14

It’s very admirable that you and your ex have maintained this cordial relationship for your daughter, however it’s important that you develop your own independent relationship with her too.
As PP said, is she giving a reason for the “no way”...IMO, very few reasons would be a viable reason to stop you having a sleep over with your daughter

ReganSomerset · 14/07/2019 21:15

At five there's unlikely to be harm as a result of overnight visits. I think ask again but if you are refused again then go through the courts as pp suggested.

Tallgreenbottle · 14/07/2019 21:17

You sound remarkably like you might be my Brother's Girlfriend and posting on his behalf waves

daledoback · 14/07/2019 21:21

There must be more to this.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 14/07/2019 21:23

Never having your daughter overnight doesn't sound any good. Do you mean that you only see your daughter if your ex is there too?

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 14/07/2019 21:55

This doesn't sound right, there must be more to things than this? Have you taken any legal advice so far? How long has this arrangement been going on for? What about holidays?

Original poster
BillR1 · 15/07/2019 12:00

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. Some of you have said that there must be something more to this.. I don’t think there is. The only thing I left out of the story is that it was an unplanned pregnancy and that we have gradually drifted apart over the first few years of my daughters. We were never married or have ever lived together.

The legal route does sound like the best option. When I spoke about court/ mediation before my ex would say that going to court would mean the end of any amicability and end the ‘3 of us’ together. I’ll be honest and say that I’m a wimp when it comes to things like this but I’ve let it drag on for too long..I have to take action now.

Thanks again for reading

OP posts:
Pinktinker · 15/07/2019 12:05

Two hours on a train is a long time for anyone, let alone a five year old. Is it two hours there and the same again back so four in total? I would say it’s too much travelling for a five year old during a school week. School holidays would be fine and when she gets a bit older it won’t be as much of an issue.

You definitely shouldn’t have to spend your contact time with the ex in tow though. Even if it were through a contact centre, your ex wouldn’t be present. It should be your time with your DD, not your DD and ex however much you get along.

NoSauce · 15/07/2019 12:09

On the face of it your ex sounds controlling and like she wants everything her way.

RebootYourEngine · 15/07/2019 12:18

Your ex sounds controlling. Why are you not allowed to spend the day just you and your daughter?

Does your ex still have feelings for you, does she see you as a 'family'?

Omzlas · 15/07/2019 12:22

Is there anything else you haven't said, criminal actions etc?

Ex sounds controlling and doesn't want you having your daughter by yourself. Unless there's a good reason, take action to see your daughter more often / overnight etc. It doesn't sound like she'll accept you simply asking. As PP have said, going down the court route will enable you to have further access and you'll both know where you stand.

Coldemort · 15/07/2019 12:29

Does she still have feelings for You? This arrangement guarantees that she'll also spent one day a week with You, perhaps it's a way if controlling that. If your daughter stays over she might see it as you not needing her their in the day anymore?

Zippyx · 15/07/2019 12:30

If I were you, OP, I would be too much of a wimp to go the legal route because if - God forbid - it didn't go to plan, ex could make it unreasonably difficult to see DD at all.

But on the other hand, the existential terms are unacceptable. You should not be expected to spend time with ex. She is clearly trying to maintain control over things that aren't hers to control.

Would definitely try and squeeze more than 'no way' out of her - failing that, the legal route remains an option.

Best of luck with whatever you decide. x

Stompythedinosaur · 15/07/2019 12:42

It's very unusual to spend your contact time together with her mum, and I think it may be confusing for her.

Ask to increase your contact (maybe every other weekend at your house). Be open to building up slowly. If you get a flat no then you'll have to go to court, where you will probably get more access.

Fontofnoknowledge · 15/07/2019 12:58

You need to go the legal route. The norm these days is to self represent. Of course, if money is not an issue then get a good family solicitor but it really is t necessary.
Firstly you need to make sure you have PR. Are you named in the birth cert ? If not then you need to make an application for this.

If you are named then you need to complete a C100 which you can download from the HMCTS website. Complete the form and send to the court. The application costs £215 (reduced or exempt if low income fill in the 'help with fees form if this is the case)

You will be sent a date. Your ex will be notified. You go to court and explain what you have explained here.

The judge will make an order based solely on your CHILDS best interests. Not you or her mother. The starting point is that a child has a right to a meaningful relationship with BOTH parents . That is obviously not the case at present as your contact is dictated and controlled by her mother.
You obviously have a good relationship with your child and have shown commitment. You could normally be expected to be granted every other weekend from Friday afternoon to Sunday evening. HOWEVER due to the distance this would not be in her interest due to the travel.
I would show the court that you are interested in her welfare by asking for what is reasonable for her. I.e sticking with the current arrangements until school holiday. Then request you have overnight contact at your home for a minimum of Every other Xmas /alternating with New year for at least 5 days. 2 week long holidays in the summer . A week at Easter and half of each half term break.

You need to start parenting your child away from the mother. You may have to build up to these breaks.. start with a couple of days away together before making the holidays longer. Tell the court you are prepared to do this and IF there is no welfare issue with you. No drink/drugs issues you haven't declared - then I don't expect you will have a problem.

You actually NEED to do this for your child and stop being blackmailed by her mother.

Angech74 · 15/07/2019 13:07

I'm afraid in your situation, the only way will be the legal route. Most non-resident parents are given every other weekend and a call in the week that you don't have them. My NDNs are in very acrimonious divorce proceedings whereby she has lied and lied and tried to stop her soon to be exH having the kids - but the Court didn't stand for it. Good luck whatever happens.

Original poster
BillR1 · 15/07/2019 13:42

Thanks everyone- your replies have helped me a lot.

Let me just say there are no drinks/drugs/ convictions of any nature. I don’t do any of these things.

I need to set up a meeting with my ex very soon as I want to get this all sorted. My plan is to first send her an email with my plans of what Id like to happen about spending time with my daughter and to mention that I’m considering the legal route. I will then arrange a one to one with her and see if something can be sorted outside of court although I’m not holding out for much.

I think a solicitors letter in the first instance would be my preference so that she knows that I’m serious. What do you think?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
BillR1 · 15/07/2019 13:48

Thanks for your reply- it helped a lot especially the info about the forms etc.

I have just posted a general reply to everyone but thought I’d ask you directly whether I could get a solicitor to write a letter to let her know what’s coming. A letter would act as a sign that I’m serious. I’ve been in this situation before and have backed down but nothing ever changes.

Appreciate your thoughts

OP posts:
DtPeabodysLoosePants · 15/07/2019 13:53

Paying for a solicitor to write a letter seems unnecessary unless you think it worth it to make her take notice? Personally I'd write your suggested schedule and say you hoped to reach agreement for the benefit of your dc. If no agreement can be made then the next step is mediation.
Are you on the birth certificate?

Original poster
BillR1 · 15/07/2019 14:00

Yes I’m named on the birth certificate. A solicitors letter might work to get her focused but I’ll wait until I’ve sat down with her at some point over the next week or 10 days.

OP posts:
jennymanara · 15/07/2019 14:08

I can't think of anything worse than sending every saturday with a guy I had a one night stand with and my child.
So i suspect strongly there is some reason she does not trust you alone with the DC,
I am also surprised if it was a one night stand that she put you on the birth certificate.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 15/07/2019 14:16

I wouldn't have given a one night stand PR either. I didn't give the man I'd known 20+ yeas PR after I had a 15 month relationship with him.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 15/07/2019 14:19

But that's because he didn't want anything to do with ds.

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