Visiting my 5 year old.

[BillR1]

Good evening,

Some background to my situation:

My daughter, who is 5 now, has been raised by her mum (my ex-partner) over the last 5 years. I see my daughter every Saturday for the whole day. I've only missed a Saturday if they go on holiday.

We spend Saturdays together and the 3 of us go out and do the usual things like going to the park picnics etc, or we stay at home playing board games, reading, have lunch/dinner etc. I think that this routine works best for the psychological well being of my daughter rather than shuttling her between my place and my ex-partners (which is about 2 hours by train).

Of course I want to spend more time with my daughter. Whenever I bring up the subject of bringing my daughter to my place, sleepovers, see my mum etc I am met with a 'No way'. The result is that I've stopped asking and just get on with the way things are to keep a positive atmosphere for my daughter (and for me).

Am I managing this situation in the right way? As I said, my priority is my daughter's well being so if you have any suggestions or ideas that could help me please let me know.

Thanks for reading.

Where does it say about the one night stand?

Sorry not a one night stand, but sounds like a short and not very serious relationship.

The only thing I left out of the story is that it was an unplanned pregnancy and that we have gradually drifted apart over the first few years of my daughters. We were never married or have ever lived together.

Why is it down to the mother to decide whether the father is given PR? (assuming no question of paternity) Can a father insist on being on the birth certificate in certain situations?
(Not being goady, genuinely interested as didn't know mothers held that power)

OP says it was "an unplanned pregnancy" not a one night stand!

OP, you do have rights and it sounds like you need to get everything sorted legally and in writing so that you can plan going forward and forge a strong relationship with your daughter. This is as much for her sake as your's . I presume you pay maintenance? I think you need to get legal advice before you meet with your ex, so that you are fully aware of everyone's rights and all the implications etc. Then you'll be better able to discuss things with her. No need for solicitors letters at this stage. Good luck.

Don’t go solicitors route first.

Write her an email with a considered plan - perhaps she is really anxious about being away from her DD, if you’ve never spent time alone with DD presumably no one else does either e.g. sleepovers at GPS?

Could you offer a weekend where DD and your ex come to your flat for a sleepover together - if she is anxious this could help.

Start by suggesting spending 2 Saturdays a month alone with DD, without a sleepover involved.
Then when everyone is happy suggest one weekend sleepover a month, as well as the 2 Saturdays together and 1 day out alone.

Is she worried about reduced child maintenance if you have overnights? Can you reassure her on that score?

Either she’s anxious or she’s manipulative. You’ll know which, I expect.

Every parent has a right to spend time with their child - other than any safe guarding issues. Assuming the parent is consistent and reliable in their contact it doesn’t matter whether the baby came from a one nighter or a ten year marriage. The mum is the NOT the only parent.

In this case I’d be taking a legal route however I would maybe give her one Chance first to discuss and agree some additional contact (without her present) before approaching a solicitor.

For every useless arsehole “dad” out there there, there is a controlling manipulative mother using the children for their own agenda. If you think otherwise then you’re deluded.

Shut this down now or you are in for many years of you and your child’s relationship being dictated and eventually managed/ manipulated by your ex.

@thunderpunt If the mother and father are not married, the mother has to agree to put the father on the birth certificate. Although the father can go to court and ask for that, which would usually be granted, following a DNA test.
It is basically because without the mothers say so, marriage, or DNA test, there is no proof that the man is the father.

The main problem with going down the legal route, is the very real risk of upsetting a cordial relationship .Although not perfect .This allows you to spend time together cordially .However I am wondering if there is a new lady on the scene?.This would explain why you have been happy for this arrangement to carry on for so long.I think No Squirrels answer is best.Even if you havent met someone as yet it will only be a matter of time so best sort this out now!

Avoid avoid avoid going down legal route unless you have to.

Imagine getting a legal letter out of the blue . She will be upset and feel cornered.

Use every tool you have to speak to her openly first.

Instead of 'telling' her what you want..I suggest you 'ask' constructively what she would suggest are the next steps to allowing you independent time with your daughter.

Leave the legal route for later if all fails

If you google parenting plan you can find guidance on the sort of things you need to consider. It's a doc that courts and cafcass refer to so would be a good start.

It will help you keep your DD at the centre of the decision making.

All the best. Your DD needs to know that her Dad wants to see more of her and is willing to try very hard to enable that to happen.

Thanks Jenny - interesting. Although I guess marriage is also no guarantee of paternity really is it? But I guess we can't all be taking DNA tests every time a child is born.

No marriage is no guarantee of paternity, but unless it is legally challenged, the law assumes paternity.

OK I’ve read through all the messages now and will proceed like this:

• Google parenting plan

• Arrange a day next week to meet with my ex. I’ll go to see my daughter as always this coming Saturday and not mention anything of course.

• When I meet my ex I’ll just ask for more time with my daughter alone. I won’t suddenly ask for overnights straightaway.. I’ll keep it to days only for a while and build up slowly.

• If we can agree to this, I won’t go down the legal route.

• If no headway is made, I’ll email her a plan outlining the legal route. She may want to talk after this or make some concessions.

• I’ll then follow the advice of one of the previous replies and fill out C100 form.

• Before I actually post this form off I think a solicitors letter might help to make her rethink before I move forward. A final chance for her to consider that I’m serious about following through.

I really do appreciate your replies it’s given me a good overview of what I need to do for my daughter’s sake ( and mine).

Thanks

It sounds like it would be quite challenging to travel 2 hours there and back by train with a 5 year old. This is not an easy thing to do as a one off, let alone regularly.

You should be having regular time alone to parent (and you should have been all along) so you can build your own independent relationship with your daughter. But I think you need to think about the logistics of it all? Would it be an easier journey if by car? If so, can you do it by car/buy a car/get your license?

Would it be possible to move closer to her so you can be more involved in her life and make these times together more regular and easier on both of you? There is honestly nothing I wouldn't do to make sure I lived close to my children, even if they didn't live with me full time. Mine do live with me full time, but I have a long commute to work (more than 2 hours, I do that to work and back 3 times a week) to make sure my dc stay in the same school, close to friends, etc. I would consider your options in terms of a move, change of jobs, longer commute, so you can live locally.

I think those are the things you need to consider first before you propose anything more in terms of contact time. As children get older, they have more activities, they want to be near friends, go do things on the weekends (birthday parties, etc.) and travelling back and forth is going to complicate things. It may be your life that needs to shift first to prioritise her.

What is your living situation?
Do you have your own (not shared) house / flat with a spare bedroom for your daughter?

Think about school holidays too. I spent half my holidays with my DF (DPs split when I was 2) and we alternated Christmas.

Thanks for those other replies. Things like logistics are really important and I am aware of the journey time, changes as children grow with new demands on their time etc.

I live about 2 hours away but when the trains are running I can do the journey in 1hr 15 mins or perhaps 20 mins. Moving closer wouldn’t be something I could do anytime soon.I live in Surrey and they live in Central London.

I do have a spare room for my daughter but wouldn’t be looking for overnights just yet. All I am asking for at the moment is the freedom and flexibility to take her out on her own ( just me) to zoo, museums etc etc. It seems like a very minor request and as I write this I feel it’s a silly reason to go to court for.

Why dont you ask for every other Saturday night to start.

Your idea of taking it slowly is probably the best option. Stat with days alone with your dd and then build to overnights. Then look at holidays, could you have have your dd for a week or so during school holidays.

Before you apply to court you have to try mediation.

If your ex won't attend the mediator will sign the court order to verify.

I would suggest a sit down first which you are doing, followed by an email to setup mediation and then apply to court.

While I commend you trying to avoid court (Family Court is no picnic), I would suggest getting anything that is agreed in writing - perhaps this is the point at which you could get a solicitor involved.

Otherwise you may be at the mercy of her "permission" every time you want to take your child out.