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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask him to let me know a time?

29 replies

Inde95 · 14/07/2019 20:23

So DD's dad and I split a year ago. Due to MH issues, he sees her three days a week at my house.

All good aside from the fact he will never tell me what time he will come see her. I asked him today what time he will be coming and he said he doesn't know. He then follows up with "I have plans so whenever they're done" so I have not been able to do anything all day in case he arrives.

When he eventually does arrive, I tell him we need to discuss timings as it's not fair to expect me to wait for his arrival all day. He shrugs and tells me that he'll come see DD when he likes and I'm not controlling him. I tell him I'm not trying to control him but to let me know roughly when he might come will allow me to plan my day if I want to do something. Any time of the day is fine but a heads up would be nice. He still maintains that he doesn't have to.

So AIBU to request a time of when he might come?

OP posts:

Kidworries · 14/07/2019 20:25

Yanbu. If anything he is controling you. Don't wait for him. If your not in what can you do?

TheoryOfADeadman · 14/07/2019 20:25

He is using this as a way to have control over you.

Countrylifeornot · 14/07/2019 20:26

Don't request a time, tell him a bloody time!
Go out, do whatever you need to do, or have a fun day with dd.
Text him when you're home. He obviously knows your daughters bed time, he needs to manage himself.

Greeborising · 14/07/2019 20:26

If he refuses to give you even a rough estimate of when he’s pitching up I’d suggest you go about your business as suits you. I’d even (tho I’m probably an old cow) be out all day.
Sounds like he’s the one doing the controlling

GruciusMalfoy · 14/07/2019 20:27

Of course yanbu. No reasonable person expects the other parent to plan their day around them visiting or not.

In future I'd say, "As you know contact is on X day, DD is free to see you between y and z time. Before and after that we are busy and wont be home".

HappyGirl86 · 14/07/2019 20:28

YANBU, he should at least be telling you that he'll be there after lunch or before and then you can go out if you want to.
He's lucky you are letting him have contact at your house, he should be decent enough to give you a time.

thedevilcamefromthehimber · 14/07/2019 20:28

Tell him a specific time to show up like between 12.00 - 12.30 and if he fails to show up then go out or lock your door. If he fails to show up between the times you ask then text him and tell him he's missed his chance. Or tell him to take you to court.

Treaclesweet · 14/07/2019 20:28

He is being controlling. Why is he seeing her at your house and not taking her to his house? You need to tell him a time and stick to it. Go out beforehand and if he is late. He will soon get the message.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/07/2019 20:30

Offer him a specific time and then plan around it. Don’t wait in all day. Alternatively, tell him to contact you when he’d like to see her and you’ll let him know whether/when that will be possible.

hazell42 · 14/07/2019 20:30

Say, I will be at home between 3 and 6. Come any time then
If he doesn't turn up then, go to the park.
He is taking the piss

Original poster

Inde95 · 14/07/2019 20:31

Thank you for your responses. I know it's a petty thing to argue about but being a single mum to baby, I find that it can be a very long and lonely day if I'm stuck inside all day

OP posts:

SummerHouse · 14/07/2019 20:32

I would be out next time he comes round. When he calls, tell him you have plans and you'll be back whenever they are done. Arse.

Notthetoothfairy · 14/07/2019 20:34

Agree, maybe text him “we will be in from 2.30pm so you are welcome anytime from then until 6pm when I need to start the bedtime routine”.

hadthesnip2 · 14/07/2019 20:34

He is a shit & trying to control you. If its his day to have your dad then he should bit be factoring on any other plans at all.

Tell him that he needs to pick her up before 11am as you are going out after then. Make sure you do go out with dd after this time. I know this is mucking up your free day, but atm you seem to stopping in anyway.

I hate shitty dads.

Original poster

Inde95 · 14/07/2019 20:34

@GruciusMalfoy I'll phrase my text like that when it's his next contact day. Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inde95 · 14/07/2019 20:36

@HappyGirl86 That's all I'd appreciate! Sometimes he'll say he will be there for 11 but won't turn up until 1. Very frustrating

OP posts:

MRex · 14/07/2019 20:36

You can't be waiting in all day, that's ridiculous. If he won't confirm times then can you confirm a time for him? E.g. "I don't have a time arranged by you so we'll be out from now, I'll get back by 4pm so you can see her anytime between 4pm and 6pm. If that doesn't work then you can see her tomorrow anytime between 10am and midday."

Original poster

Inde95 · 14/07/2019 20:38

@Treaclesweet He lives with his parents who don't see DD, which is a whole other thread

OP posts:

Lllot5 · 14/07/2019 20:46

Tell him to come between say 2-4
Any other time I wouldn’t answer the door or I’d be out. If he doesn’t like it he can take you to court. It’s all control.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 14/07/2019 20:46

I think if he had messaged saying he'd come when he was ready, I'd just say "text before you come to make sure we're home", and then go and enjoy your day.

It's not controlling him to get on with your day/life. If he doesn't want to fix a time, he has to accept he needs to fit around your plans. Sounds like you would be more than willing to accommodate him if he stated what time he was coming?

And, thinking ahead, if he starts saying a time and then not turning up until he was good and ready, give him half an hour from his stated time and then get on with your day, as above.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/07/2019 20:49

I cant believe he expects you to stay in all day for him but calls you controlling! So he has you doing what he wants all day and wont budge an inch. Agreeing plans for children between you is normal, and polite, and necessary. It's not just you he's being a dick to, he wants his daughter to stay at home all day, for no real solid reason.

Dont play along, just say no problem if he doesnt know what hes doing, but he cant reasonably expect his daughter to wait in all day, you will be out in the morning and probably back by x time and hope to see him sometime between x and y.

ombre123 · 14/07/2019 20:52

You're not being unreasonable at all! Common courtesy, doesn't have to be an exact time just between x and y would be more civilised.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 14/07/2019 20:53

Agreed, give him a window to appear.

Neverender · 14/07/2019 20:53

Just no! It's definitely a control thing. Take his power away.

Apolloanddaphne · 14/07/2019 20:54

He is trying to control you. I agree you tell him a time you will be in and free for him to visit. Other than that do your own thing. If he complains he can go get a court order. That will set down the time he needs to visit.

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