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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help- difficult family situation

39 replies

mimosa80 · 14/07/2019 18:03

I'm struggling with a family situation and wondering if anyone can offer any advice. My brother divorced 3 years ago and has since met a new partner with kids. We have a gorgeous nephew who is now 8 and we don't see much of him because my brother doesn't keep in touch with us or make the effort to meet. We have seen our nephew 6 or 7 times in the last 3 years.

My Mum has started to become so sad about the situation (she often cries about it) so I reached out to my brother's ex-wife (nephew's Mum) and asked if we could see them. She was more than happy to bring our nephew to his Nana's house and we were overjoyed to see him.

Since then my brother has kicked off sending abusive messages to my Mum saying she is not allowed to see his ex-wife. He says they are going to court over child maintenance and that we are harming the situation.

My brother has been very controlling since the divorce which is why we lost touch with our nephew's Mum. He said legally we were not allowed contact with her so we cooperated and is now saying we still can't see her because it will affect the court case. As far as I am concerned this is between them and does not involve us.

Are we being unreasonable for wanting to see our nephew more regularly and maintain a positive relationship with his Mum? And by doing so could we be affecting the court case? Legally, I'm assuming we are allowed to see them, but I wanted to know if anyone had experienced a similar situation and if you have any advice. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Chocolatehat · 14/07/2019 18:07

Legally your brother cannot stop you seeing them. He is being controlling.

Weebitawks · 14/07/2019 18:09

YANBU. Tell him to fuck off. He hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Original poster
mimosa80 · 14/07/2019 18:10

Hi Chocolatehat. This is what I thought but needed confirmation. Thank you for your reply x

OP posts:
Original poster
mimosa80 · 14/07/2019 18:13

Yes! Thanks so much Weebitawks! So glad you think so. I just needed reassurance we were doing the right thing. It has been lovely seeing our nephew again, I miss him.

OP posts:
SagAloojah · 14/07/2019 18:14

Why is he taking ex to court over child maintenance? His ex sounds like a reasonable woman, bringing her child to see his nana even though things are acrimonious with your brother.

It sounds like you/your mum having any contact with his ex doesn’t suit the narrative he’s set that ex is a bitch or however he describes her.

I would continue contact with his ex/nephew. If the court case is about CM then the odd contact with nana won’t affect that.

Can you ask his ex what the case is about? Is he refusing to pay the required maintenance?

ZoeWashburne · 14/07/2019 18:16

What court in the land would see a child visiting their granny and aunt as a detriment?

He wants to hurt his ex at the expense of his son. That tells you everything you need to know about what a class-act your brother is.

Sexnotgender · 14/07/2019 18:18

Your brother cannot stop you having contact with his ex wife or your nephew.

Your brother sounds like a piece of work.

Rtmhwales · 14/07/2019 18:24

Ignore him. My ex is like this, kicking off that nobody in his family be allowed to see DS even though I'd happily facilitate it.

Ditch the brother, keep the XW? It's what we warn my brother will happen if he ever decides to get divorced from his lovely wife Grin

Original poster
mimosa80 · 14/07/2019 18:25

Thank you. I am in full agreement and its exactly what I told my Mum. She is sad because she still wants to stay on good terms with him, even though he can be difficult and nasty. We had no idea about the court case because he is secretive and only told us when he shouted a torrent of abuse down the phone to my poor Mum.

I'll continue to see my nephew and sister in law maybe once a fortnight with my Mum, I can only see the good in this. Thank you for your replies x

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 14/07/2019 18:28

If your brother isn’t making the effort then go through your nephews mum; the court case is your brothers problem not yours

saffy1234 · 14/07/2019 18:32

Legally he does not have a leg to stand on.He should be pleased you are making the effort,the fact that he is not seems to suggest he is hoping to make this ex seem unreasonable,which she clearly isn't seeing how accommodating he has been to your mum.It doesn't fit his agenda so he is being awful.Shame on him.

granadagirl · 14/07/2019 18:33

Court case is between him and ex wife, not his own family.

He can not tell you, you can’t see him.
He doesn’t bother to come round anyway, so just keep doing what you do know and have nephew round.

I’d tell him to fuck off also.

Ex wife, is very willing to BRING nephew so carry on.
Ignore him and don’t even tell him

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/07/2019 18:35

Team ex wife. Blood isn’t always thicker.

MammaMia19 · 14/07/2019 18:42

Does he not want to pay maintenance? He sounds awful! I’d keep seeing nephew, he only wants to stop it so you don’t find out what he’s been doing if he’s refusing to pay for his son or if he’s treating the mum badly.

Opossooom · 14/07/2019 18:48

Your brother needs to fuck off and is being a cunt of a dad not allowing HIS son to see HIS OWN aunt and grandma!

CastleCrasher · 14/07/2019 18:52

Sounds like he's trying to reduce maintenance. What a fabulous father. Hmm and of course you having a relationship with ex and DN would mean he couldn't lie about that, and make it difficult for him to continue whatever story he's spun that she's a horrendous she-devil (the type that will actively try to reduce support for their own children always do!)

Id suggest you join team DN. Which exw is clearly on, as she's willing to put any discomfort she feels aside in order to facilitate a relationship with DN and his wider family. Your brother? Not so much

SusieOwl4 · 14/07/2019 19:02

tell him the truth . His actions are punishing his son and have nothing to do with any court case . He sounds like a nasty bit of work tbh . Instead of sitting and having a calm conversation he yells down the phone . what an idiot .

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 14/07/2019 19:10

Ditch the brother, keep the XW?
This is exactly what my DF and DSM have done. I can’t remember when they last had contact with my brother but they’re in constant contact with his ex and his daughter (their granddaughter). They help out a lot and they’re all very happy with the situation.

Coyoacan · 14/07/2019 20:01

Go for it, OP. Your nephew will be the happier for having you and his grandmother in his life and the ex sounds decent.

My ex wasn't as horrible as your brother, but my in-laws were the best thing about him and a wonderful support for my dd.

Jimdandy · 15/07/2019 06:56

I think it’s a bit underhand to contact her instead of making more effort with your brother to invite him and nephew places etc

Fizzypoo · 15/07/2019 06:59

Team ex wife!

lyralalala · 15/07/2019 07:10

This is exactly how my ex reacted when his parents organised to see our girls directly with me.

Funnily enough he said they were undermining his court case as well - there was no court case. He just didn’t want them to know he hadn’t seen the girls for 6 months plus.

Just be prepared to find out some unpleasant things about your brother. My ex in laws were very upset when the realised the level of lies they’d been fed

CanILeavenowplease · 15/07/2019 07:17

If the situation with child maintenance has got as far as court, simply put he hasn’t been paying. Your seeing your nephew won’t make any difference to the outcome but what he is wanting is for you to not know the full extent of the situation. He will be one of child maintenance perpetual victims. The ex sounds decent, cultivate that.m

AJPTaylor · 15/07/2019 07:22

Agree. So called court case will only be because he isn't paying. He doesn't want you in contact with ex because you will find out.

SeaSidePebbles · 15/07/2019 07:27

My exH did that, told his family I’m controlling and not allowing DD to see them, that he had to fight tooth and nail for Christmas contact etc.

In reality, we agreed DD alternates Christmases and birthdays and is always with the parent who’s birthday it is or for mother’s/father’s day, but he cancels as and when it suites him.
They have never, in 4 years, contacted me once.
So his turn to have her for Christmas comes, they all sit at the table and my SIL says something along the lines: glad to see your Dad managed to convince your mum to let you see us.
To which my DD looked confused and replied: mum never said I can’t see you! She asked Dad if everything is ok with you lot, never been in touch once since she’s not the one organising family get togethers anymore.
There was a deafening silence round the table and apparently his mum burst into tears.
I later got a phonecall from him accusing me of manipulating DD and upsetting his mother 😂.

They do it to cover their own shortcomings, pay no attention!