Please help- difficult family situation

[mimosa80]

I'm struggling with a family situation and wondering if anyone can offer any advice. My brother divorced 3 years ago and has since met a new partner with kids. We have a gorgeous nephew who is now 8 and we don't see much of him because my brother doesn't keep in touch with us or make the effort to meet. We have seen our nephew 6 or 7 times in the last 3 years.

My Mum has started to become so sad about the situation (she often cries about it) so I reached out to my brother's ex-wife (nephew's Mum) and asked if we could see them. She was more than happy to bring our nephew to his Nana's house and we were overjoyed to see him.

Since then my brother has kicked off sending abusive messages to my Mum saying she is not allowed to see his ex-wife. He says they are going to court over child maintenance and that we are harming the situation.

My brother has been very controlling since the divorce which is why we lost touch with our nephew's Mum. He said legally we were not allowed contact with her so we cooperated and is now saying we still can't see her because it will affect the court case. As far as I am concerned this is between them and does not involve us.

Are we being unreasonable for wanting to see our nephew more regularly and maintain a positive relationship with his Mum? And by doing so could we be affecting the court case? Legally, I'm assuming we are allowed to see them, but I wanted to know if anyone had experienced a similar situation and if you have any advice. Thanks in advance.

Spend time with your lovely nephew, his Mum sounds lovely, your brother not so much.

He has no right to intimidate your mother or control who she sees. The only effect this could have on any court case is if he continues this behaviour and she lets his ex's solicitor know how badly he's behaving towards his own mother.

There would only be one reason it's going to court, he's not paying. I wouldn't listen to your brother. Please keep seeing your nephew, he loves you all very much. It would devastate him if you withdrew.

If he's been moreforthcoming about letting his mum and sister have access to their grandson/nephew then you wouldn't have to be in touch with his ex. There's no excuse for the way he's been speaking to your Mum. I can't see how you being in contact would affect a court case in any way as I'm sure you're not interfering with anything.

Team ex wife all the way.

She’s clearly keen for her DS to have contact with Aunt and Gran despite Dad being a total dick, and that is quite amazing really.

I agree with him. It’s going to damage his Court case as it’s showing how unreasonable he is and how reasonable his ex his.....

Carry on with seeing the child. If he is that controlling and nasty now, I dint want to think how he was when they were together :(

While I agree with the general view about your brother, this might be a good opportunity to communicate how you feel about not seeing your nephew and see if that can be improved. People can get into very entrenched situations during a divorce and the aftermath and lose all sense of perspective.

Nice that the ex wife is accommodating. Press on and don't worry about what your brother thinks. Your brother may well be riled but everyone is thinking about what's best for DN here.

Your poor mum! I would be heartbroken if I couldn't see my Grandchildren. In these days of divorce and remarriage and step children and half-brothers and sisters, it's very important to try to keep all relationships going, for the sake of the children. You'd be amazed at how much easier life is when it comes to weddings, birthday parties, etc, when you can just invite everyone and not be worried.
My first husband left me for someone else. They married and divorced and he's now remarried. It has made for some interesting complicated relationships. But they are family, still. And why should I stop loving his family, just because we're no longer together?

OP,

Horrible son, horrible brother, horrible father.

Protect your Mother from him.

Most likely abusive husband, now trying to avoid supporting his son financially.

Your DN will appreciate and benefit from family support.

Don't tell your brother anything.

I would bet you may hear some deeply unpleasant things about him into the future.

Wow op. Ds2 doesn't see his dad but is always going to see his nan and wider family. I don't understand where your brother is coming from.
Tell him to man up pay for his son and you won't see your dn on his time.

Looks as if you have to choose between your brother and your DN.

Your DN needs you and you could get to see him often.
Your brother does not seem to need you and doesn't see you often anyway.

I wonder if your brother is claiming in the court case that his ex won't allow his family to see his son, that she's being difficult? So your seeing nephew, and being on civil terms with his ex, is ruining the story he's set up. As others have said, fuck him. He's trying to control everyone around him, his ex, his child, his mother, his sister.

The fact that his ex has to take him to court re maintenance (if that's what it's about) is a good indicator that he's a shit who doesn't care about his child as long as he's damaging his ex. He wants all of his family to be complicit in his abuse.

Sorry OP, but your brother is being a total wanker.