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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think maybe it's me?

41 replies

LosingFaith00 · 14/07/2019 13:41

I try to be a nice person. I help others as much as I can but I'm getting treated so badly by people I'm starting to think it must be me as surely not all of them can be horrible people?

Eg. School mum I know to say hello to, bumped into her in the supermarket. She said she was buying stairgates and I told her I had 2 I don't need. Brought them to the school and passed them over in the carpark, she said thanks. Now blanks me pretty much every day.

Work colleague. We spend 40 hours a week together, get on well. I give her lifts a lot as she doesn't drive, always pick up her favourite biscuits/coffee etc when I see them on offer. Found out she's screwed me over in work, she doesn't know I know.

Another 'friend' I went out of my way to do a favour for spoke to me like absolute shit and made me cry.

Aibu to think I'm not as nice as I think I am?

OP posts:

newmomof1 · 14/07/2019 13:44

People are dicks. You are nice but people always take advantage of nice people.
They seem to see it as a weakness. Fuck them, they're not worth your time or effort.

MediocreOmens · 14/07/2019 13:55

@LosingFaith00 You sound lovely but maybe coming across as a bit over invested/intense but that is no excuse for people to treat you poorly.

I understand you were try to do a nice thing with the stair gates but did she say she wanted them? It sounds like you don't know her very well and now she is stuck with two stair gates she probably doesn't want as she was buying some to fit her taste/house. The mum is maybe trying to avoid a repeat scenario. Same with biscuit lady, it's nice that you know her favourite biscuits but you don't need to repeatedly buy them, maybe just on a birthday or Christmas?

Chill09 · 14/07/2019 14:03

You sound exactly like me. I dont think you sound intense at all !! Just a lovely person. Keep being who you are there arent enough people in the world like us now. People tend to take, take, take xx

Original poster

LosingFaith00 · 14/07/2019 14:06

@MediocreOmens didn't want to turn my op into an essay but school mum definitely wanted the gates, I had the exact ones she was about to buy and she said about saving the money. Colleagues biscuits are those breakfast ones and she has them every day. I understand what you mean though.

@newmomof1 DH days the same, people are dicks and I shouldn't take it personally. It's hard though because I honestly don't understand why people are like that.

OP posts:

tympanic · 14/07/2019 14:07

I think some people have better support networks than others so don’t really value the good people in their lives until later on in life when “friends” start to drop away. I have gone above and beyond for friends and workmates in my life, but very few of them have appreciated it. Most have just taken it for granted/taken advantage and become uppity when I actually say no, which is what I’m doing more and more in general as I come to appreciate the worth of my own time and energy more.

I’d say just take a mental step away from them. Focus on the people in life who appreciate your goodness as a person and try not to take it personally. It isn’t you. It’s them. I wish I had a considerate workmate like you but mine are largely cutthroats. I learned my lesson there. And how.

Eustasiavye · 14/07/2019 14:12

You sound very nice op .
there are some weird and ungrateful people around and I also agree with the above poster saying some people get lots of support and help so don't appreciate things.
I wouldn't give the stair gate women anything else, let her but it. However I would still say hello and be civil to her.
As for your work colleague if she had done the dirty on you I would stop all lifts and favours. Be civil but no more biscuits.

tympanic · 14/07/2019 14:16

BTW, OP. What did your workmate actually do and how did you find out about it?

Original poster

LosingFaith00 · 14/07/2019 14:17

Thank you. I do have some wonderful friends and a lovely family. Those 3 are examples but these are the types of people I've encountered so many times in my life that it seemed disproportionate! So many users.

OP posts:

Pinktinker · 14/07/2019 14:27

Did the school Mum greet you every day before the stair gate situation then suddenly stopped? If so, really bizarre behaviour. If you didn’t speak very much beforehand, she possibly just feels awkward about the situation. I know it’s still rude but she could potentially have social anxiety.

Original poster

LosingFaith00 · 14/07/2019 14:31

@tympanic without being outing, she was doing rotas and I asked for a specific rota pattern that wouldn't effect anyone at work or the business, but would help me out. She came back with a completely different one and bragged to another colleague that she'd done it on purpose as she 'wouldn't be dictated to' (I didn't dictate, simply asked). She's my line manager FWIW.

OP posts:

Original poster

LosingFaith00 · 14/07/2019 14:33

@Pinktinker we would always chat while waiting for dc to come out, she now stands at the other end of the yard. I'm not bothered as such, we were never friends. I just find it bazaar and rude.

OP posts:

Elliebellbell · 14/07/2019 14:36

I'm in no doubt you're lovely but sometimes people feel overwhelmed when people keep buying or giving stuff they haven't asked for. It often has the reverse effect and people back away.
I've had colleagues who have been very generous and full on only to feel rejected and sidelined when it's not reciprocated.
Take a step back and leave them to it. I hope you feel better soon.

GetMeOffThisCycleOfMisery · 14/07/2019 14:37

Oh OP. I get this, I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm known for being that 'reliable and helpful' friend. People come to me for advice, to borrow money, borrow items, get lifts, charity sponsorship, help with moving (despite my slipped disc) even sometimes when I have misgivings.

I'd say that with about 25% of people, I sometimes end up feeling like I've been taken huge advantage of / shit upon from a great height afterwards.

But you know what, I listen to my inner voice now and if something I'm being asked feels 'not right' then I've learned to now say no, or help them find another solution.

I help people because I want to and I hate seeing anyone in need. But you have to do it without expectation, everyone is different and not as switched on when it comes to thoughtfulness, or being grateful.

When someone lets you down, chalk it up to experience, move on, don't help them again. Concentrate on the people that appreciate you instead. Carry on being a good and kind person, but one that doesn't say yes to everyone.

And for the love of God, stop giving your colleagues lifts and biscuits!

tympanic · 14/07/2019 14:43

I’m sure you didn’t dictate, OP. She sounds like an insecure moron who plays power games to feel better about herself. Maybe she is threatened by you and your competence...?

Either way, no more lifts and coffee/biscuits. Just don’t offer. If she comes asking for things just say you aren’t able to anymore. No more explanation required. What a chancer she is!

It’s sad but I agree with you about givers vs takers being disproportionate. I’ve known people who actually brag about how they always get what they want, and don’t care whose toes they step on to get there. People who demand people give and give to them and are not even remotely apologetic or ashamed about it. Yet are then completely dumbfounded when they discover people don’t actually like them very much. It’s a lonely life, I imagine.

Thing to remember is, and this is hard for me too (especially after the week I’ve just had ), there are golden people out there. Really.

I’m raising my bar and you should too.

Original poster

LosingFaith00 · 14/07/2019 15:00

Sound advice here, thank you.

I completely agree with this, never expect anything in return other than not being an arsehole tbh. Will definitely be more selfish going forward.

OP posts:

WanderleyWagon · 14/07/2019 15:45

Just picked up that you said one of the people is your line manager. If she is lift/good biscuits colleague, this rings a bit of an alarm bell for me - it's not good practice to single a line manager out for gifts or favours. The askamanager blog has some good posts on this.

Ginmel · 14/07/2019 15:51

I used to think people would just see kindness as something good but they don't. Like you I used to do a lot for others just because I wanted to but have massively scaled back.

Writing just now I wonder if people think they owed me in return even though they absolutely didn't. Now I try as hard as possible to wait for people to ask me for the favour so in your friends case, I'd wait until she asked if I had any gates, wait till your colleague says they can't find the biscuits themselves.

I know your intention is nothing but good but there's nowt as queer as folk.

PinkGlitter123 · 14/07/2019 16:02

People take advantage of kindness unfortunately.
It's finding that balance of staying kind but not letting people take advantage. That's the tricky part.

Original poster

LosingFaith00 · 14/07/2019 16:06

@WanderleyWagon I've been intentionally vague wrt work, it's not a case of my buying gifts for my boss. I said line manager for ease to explain her doing the rota and me not being able to query it, that's all.

OP posts:

cleanasawhistle · 14/07/2019 16:27

OP you sound lovely.
Still be kind but set a limit before some take advantage.

I helped out a so called friend for many years......she dumped me when I had cancer.
I am still kind and helpful but am more wary.

WanderleyWagon · 14/07/2019 23:34

Ah, OK - sorry, I got the wrong end of the stick.

Dieu · 14/07/2019 23:36

Och, I'm so sorry OP, and your post made me sad. You sound like a lovely, thoughtful person and fab friend material

smileannie · 15/07/2019 02:17

When you are a nice giving person you can’t understand why others aren’t the same.DH is like this and I always tell him don’t change, you are right and they are wrong.

OTOH I don’t get involved with people at all. He encouraged me to be a bit more open minded with people and see how it went. In 2 days I was let down by the behavior of three people and am going back to not being friendly and giving.

Broken11Girl · 15/07/2019 02:37

OP you sound very intense and overwhelming, and invested in yourself being so nice. It's actually hard to be on the receiving end of as people feel indebted and may not even want the 'help' but the nice person won't listen to a no.
Stair gates woman probably felt like you thought she was a charity case.
You are buying biscuits for and giving lifts to your manager, that comes across as creepy. Especially her 'favourite' biscuits. She might not necessarily want the biscuits or lifts. She probably felt you are trying to get special treatment over other employees and that one of those things was the shifts you prefer. And no, you can't really tell your manager how to do their job. No wonder she felt dictated to and didn't comply.
People who think they mean so well and are so lovely but are martyrs are very hard work.

Maniak · 15/07/2019 02:42

Don't take it personally about the Mum. I'm sure I blank people all the time because there's so much going on and I'm usually just thinking about something and overwhelmed, and I can never remember names even if I've been to someone's house. Mums are exhausted.

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