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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think maybe it's me?

41 replies

LosingFaith00 · 14/07/2019 13:41

I try to be a nice person. I help others as much as I can but I'm getting treated so badly by people I'm starting to think it must be me as surely not all of them can be horrible people?

Eg. School mum I know to say hello to, bumped into her in the supermarket. She said she was buying stairgates and I told her I had 2 I don't need. Brought them to the school and passed them over in the carpark, she said thanks. Now blanks me pretty much every day.

Work colleague. We spend 40 hours a week together, get on well. I give her lifts a lot as she doesn't drive, always pick up her favourite biscuits/coffee etc when I see them on offer. Found out she's screwed me over in work, she doesn't know I know.

Another 'friend' I went out of my way to do a favour for spoke to me like absolute shit and made me cry.

Aibu to think I'm not as nice as I think I am?

OP posts:

managedmis · 15/07/2019 02:43

So the person you give a lift to screwed over your rota at work?

She shot herself in the foot, didn't she?

TakeOneForTheBreem · 15/07/2019 02:48

My mum is like this and she is also really bitter and slags off anyone who doesn't appreciate her niceness.

As a result, I avoid anyone who tries to hard to be "nice".

I'm not saying you're like that, but a lot of so called nice people are actually manipulative and want something in return.

You might be giving off those vibes without meaning to.

Sorry but if someone bought me biscuits more than once, I'd wonder why they were sucking up to me so hard.

Maniak · 15/07/2019 02:53

It would really stress me out if someone kept buying me biscuits, tbh. I'd be thinking, should I be buying them biscuits too? Or doing something? Even just being grateful all the time can be a burden, although it sounds so spoilt to say it.

Aria999 · 15/07/2019 03:57

OP you sound lovely.

The biscuits would embarrass me if i were the recipient. I seldom do random acts of kindness except for very close friends and when others do them for me I feel bad about not reciprocating.

Stair gates mum is just being weird. Maybe one of the gates didn't work and she doesn't want to have to tell you? Maybe she sold one on eBay?!

AlwaysCheddar · 15/07/2019 06:06

Stop giving her lifts and buying biscuits!!

Beautiful3 · 15/07/2019 06:46

I'm too nice like you op. I've learned to stop with the gifts and tea making and lifts. Wait until they do something nice first, then do it back. The same happened to me with a baby door swing. A playground mum i knew for a year, said she needed one. I gave her ours. She blanked me afterwards for 4 years, now for some strange reason she's started saying hello?! Isn't it weird how some people are?! It's not you, it's them. The Rota thing was horrible by the way. That was spiteful and unnecessary. Definitely stop with the treats and lifts.

TakeOneForTheBreem · 15/07/2019 06:57

"Isn't it weird how some people are?! It's not you, it's them. "

This is why I dislike "nice" people. They are always on the look out for any opportunity to stick the knife in and not accept that not everyone wants charity/favours/ass kissing.

It's always some kind of game where you have to prove you care just as much and people can tell. That's why you end up getting ignored. People don't like being manipulated.

Original poster

LosingFaith00 · 15/07/2019 10:15

Wow, completely different set of replies today. Fwiw I'm not manipulative at all, I don't expect anything in return for being what I consider to be a decent human being.

The biscuit think is being misunderstood. She has the same ones every day so if I'm shopping and see them on special offer I'll pick some up and she'll give me the money for them. I'm not buying little presents for people I work with! It was just an example anyway. I've taken everything on board.

OP posts:

Original poster

LosingFaith00 · 15/07/2019 10:16

Thing, not think.

OP posts:

FuriousVexation · 15/07/2019 13:03

OP, it sounds like you are a people pleaser and unfortunately, there are a lot of people in this world who will treat you as a doormat just because they can.

Some people are just users and would rather take take take and never give.

Regarding the rota issue BTW I would raise this with your line manager and ask about the right to request flexible working hours. (I wouldn't mention the comment about her not being dictated to.)

andannabegins · 15/07/2019 19:50

I was just saying this to someone today. I feel like I must be an arsehole and not know it and actually Karma is doing its stuff and fucking me over. I can't work out why it's always me that gets screwed when I am just trying to be a friend

TakeOneForTheBreem · 15/07/2019 22:46

andanna because people can sense that you want their friendship. That comes across as neediness most of the time. You're not really being genuinely nice, you're trying to prove that you're good enough to be their friend.

I'm not friends with my friends because they're "nice". I'm friends with them because we have things in common, because we have had similar experiences or because we understand each other. Sometimes they're nice, sometimes they're not. As long as they're not an arsehole, then that's fine.

TakeOneForTheBreem · 15/07/2019 22:51

OP, I'm not saying you're being manipulative but that kind of behaviour often comes off as so. People spot patterns, subconsciously or otherwise. If you've come across manipulative "nice" people before, then "nice" behaviour often comes across as manipulative.

And niceness isn't really the basis for a friendship anyway. The other day, a woman at work gave me a packet of tea that she doesn't drink but she knows I like. It was nice of her to think of me but it doesn't make me want to be her friend any more than I did before. (Not that I think that that's what she was angling for.) Friendships just click sometimes and sometimes don't, it's nothing to do with giving things to people.

In fact, people often feel uncomfortable receiving things because it puts them in the position of being one with less power. For most people, that's not very pleasant until they have a more secure relationship with a person.

Catinthetwat · 15/07/2019 23:35

I'm not saying you're like that, but a lot of so called nice people are actually manipulative and want something in return.

Yep, I've experienced this.

And on the other side of it, I've made people uncomfortable before by trying to be too 'nice' - out of social anxiety.

It's a tricky balance and yours won't work for everyone. But it doesn't mean everyone is an arsehole, and it's not terribly helpful to think that way.

TakeOneForTheBreem · 16/07/2019 01:39

cat exactly. Sometimes we just have to accept that not everyone wants our friendship and that that is ok. It doesn't make them a wanker or an arsehole or an oddball. I tried to make inroads on a colleague yesterday to see if she wanted to be friends but she seemed a little cool about it so I backed off. And that's fine. It's not a reflection on me or her. Maybe she just doesn't have time for new friends or she feels we wouldn't be compatible or she has enough friends or she is an anxious person. I'm not saying it didn't hurt a little but I tried to let it go.

I think it's a sign of a large but fragile ego to think that everyone must like us and if they don't, they're horrible and a user.

Elliebellbell · 16/07/2019 07:06

Over friendly and generous people can be overwhelming and there's often a desperate quality to them that repels people.

I'm very fortunate to have a lot of friends and don't have a problem making new ones but I've worked places where I've been swooped in on by (mostly) women who want to be part of my life. It can be really suffocating.

I completely agree with pp who say they're not friends with other people because they're "nice". Some of my friends aren't very "nice" at all. They're passionate, witty, sarcastic, offensive and a bit crazy in some cases but they're great fun and very interesting and supportive.

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