Death & a 4yo

[kgfreo]

My FIL told my 4yo last night at 7:30pm (right before bedtime) that everyone and everything dies and turns into dust and that's just a fact of life. Since then, my 4yo has been hysterical! She thinks me and her daddy and her sister are going to die and leave her or she's going to die and leave us and all her friends, she didn't sleep until 4:30am and today hasn't spoken a word and just clings onto my leg. My FIL and his wife think she's overreacting and that it's weird that she doesn't know about death "at her age".. AIBU for not exposing her to that side of life yet?? I don't know what to do, I honestly want to cut them out of our lives!!!!

She’s too young. Cruel of him to do that.

But he’s right. You need to give her more information and calm down. You need to be matter of fact and calm, unconcerned about this information. Take the lead and show her you know this and you are fine with this. It’s a long long way in the future.
Buy a pet (pets die more quickly) and help her learn about life and death in a realistic way.

Wasn't really FILs call to do that.
But he is right.

What Does Dead Mean?: A Book for Young Children to Help Explain Death and Dying Perhaps you could get this to help.

YANBU.

OH & I have decided to be honest with our son about death when he is old enough to start asking about it/ the necessity sadly arises. We won't use 'they went to sleep/heaven/etc' & will explain it as a biological process. He's only just turned 2 though so there's really no point explaining it for a while yet.

However, that's is our personal choice as parents, it is certainly not your FIL's place to decide how/when to explain the subject & I'd be royally pissed off if anyone in my family did the same. Every kid is different, some would just brush off your FILs explanation, others like your DD would be understandably disturbed by it.

Is your FIL usually forceful with parenting opinions? Perhaps he just felt put on the spot my your DD's question & answered as best he could? I don't think you need to cut contact at all, but I would definitely have your DH explain firmly that you do not want FIL or his wife answering such questions in future, and that they should defer to you on any difficult subjects.

I hope your daughter is OK xx

You need to give her more information and calm down. You need to be matter of fact and calm, unconcerned about this information. Take the lead and show her you know this and you are fine with this
Exactly this. She will take her cues from you.

It sounds like he told her about death in an inappropriate way for her age and at a silly time.

My DD also 4 has been told about animals and people dying and is aware that it happens to animals when they get very sick or very old... family members have had cats and dogs that have died so it seemed sensible to take the opportunity to explain simply. She also saw a dead hedgehog so used that as a way to explain and bring in road safety. Haven't gone into any detail about all people dying but she knows she has a grandad who isn't here anymore because he died when she was little because he was old and poorly.

I don't think her age is the problem at all; she's not too young to know about it (in a simple way) but It's the way it's been done. Poor thing.

My son has been asking about death and I really don't know how to deal with it. He randomly asked me if he will die one day and I managed to bumble away from the topic but I really didn't know what to say! He is a similar age.

Huh? You’re lucky not to have had to have these conversations by now - goodbye Mog, when dinosaurs die - get some books and stay calm. Death is a fact of life and sometimes it doesn’t happen when people are in their 80s.

Talk of cutting FIL off for telling the truth, albeit clumsily, is really OTT

He randomly asked me if he will die one day and I managed to bumble away from the topic but I really didn't know what to say! He is a similar age

Sweetheart, we all die. But that is ok. We will try and live happy, healthy, loving lives, and we will have had a life that can be celebrated! It’s not going to be for a long long long time. ... or something similar.

Just be open (brutal honesty not required)

YANBU. He's just terrified her for no reason or benefit. My husband and I decided we would let my DD find out in her own time, rather than introduce the concept when she wasn't ready. She's nearly 7 years old now and still thinks people only die when they get old. She already seems to suffer with anxiety and we don't want to worry unnecessarily at the moment there's no need, yes she needs to learn but there's a time and a way of presenting the information without terrifying her.

When DD was in reception she came home from school asking lots of questions about death as a grandparent of her friend had died, we answered her questions honestly, she was a bit sad but coped fine. We covered it again then earlier this year when her great grandmother died and she went to the funeral then too.

Before this we didn't share with her that her baby brother died shortly after he was born extremely prematurely because she didn't know I was pregnant. Had she known then of course we'd have explained in an age appropriate way with the help of books (she was 5). Instead we decided to preserve her innocence as we had the choice and not to have her first experience of death be so close to home.

Wait to they start drilling down into ‘but how did I get in your tummy mummy’
This is just the beginning of open honest conversations.

I think you have to reassure her, potentially it’s something that would have come up at nursery / school anyway. Ie our dog was put to sleep a few months ago, DC 4 was very matter a fact about it... nursery then talked a bit about death as one of the other kids there her mum worked in a funeral directors. One of the key workers her dad* died recently and that also came up as one of the other kids was asking about her daddy etc.

It is an inevitable conversation that would have happened, probably not the best one for a bed time though,

We passed by a dead baby bird that had fallen out of the nest with my 4 year old, it’s hard to avoid, and it’s also somewhat normal to worry about it a little. Are you sure DD didn’t ask a leading question?

That "cut them off" comment was from a tired and cranky mum, obviously didn't mean it
Yes, he is forever forcing "parenting advice" on me all👏🏼the👏🏼time
My own granny passed when my dd was 2 and she was happy enough with the explanation that "she loved her so much and wanted to be with her all the time so went to live with the stars so she could see her every night" and dd came up with her own idea that granny sends her kisses by white feathers which she finds in her hair from her pillow in the mornings, she absolutely loves that. For me, she's 4. She's going to be surrounded by the reality soon enough, and just wanted to keep the magic for a little longer.

Just get 'Goodnight Mog', read it with her (and then you go off and have a good cry), job done.

My dds both needed a lot of reassurance that death is a long way off for everyone, I remember I had to put my dd to bed for a while saying ‘I promise mummy is not going to die, daddy is not going to die’ etc.

Mine have asked all sorts of early and tough questions though by now and my elder one usually picks public settings to ask them which is fun for the sex ones!

I don’t think you’d have escaped the conversation for much longer! They pick up all sorts at school.

YANBU. It should have been your decision what you both told your DD and when, not FILs.
My DD has known about death and dying since she was about 2 and it was always explained in a matter of fact way, she knew before 4 that she could die from drowning or choking, for instance, although she does believe in heaven as she has been raised Christian and goes to a Christian school. I therefore don't think we are "using heaven" as a PP said, as it is a part of our belief. That said, she's a very scientifically minded child and is fascinated by biology and science. She is now 6 and always wants to see dead mice or birds (sadly with our cat that's pretty often) and know what they died from. She also loves medical programs and wants to be a surgeon - the complete opposite of me as a child, I'd have cried my eyes out at a dead mouse.
At such a young age (4) there is a lot of depth of understanding missing as a child that old cannot fully appreciate what dead means which makes it more scary.
I think your DD's personality and character should be more relevant in what to tell her than your FILs philosophy and by taking the choice from you and your DH he has really over stepped the mark. I really feel for you and think it's out of order that FIL is not more apologetic. He needs to understand that he has caused an upsetting issue for your family and that he had no right to.

How did the conversation come up?was she asking him ,people do die she needs to know that, but he could have been more tactful.

what a hideous way for fil to broach the subject. as long as it's clear to your dd that when someone 'goes to live in the stars' or whatever, she'll never see them again (while she's alive..) I think that's ok for now.

I'm a Christian so believe followers of Jesus end up in heaven. dd age 5 has asked me about what happens to bodies, and we talk about the difference between bodies and souls, how bodies turn into soil.

That people die but usually when they are very old. sometimes when they are younger due to illness or accidents but that's v rare.

4 is a very normal age to learn about death, how long did you think you could "shield" her for? Some children are upset about the concept of death at this age, some are not (often because they don't really get it yet). But they all have to know and deal with it at about this age.

And "keeping the magic" only works if you keep her isolated from other children, many of whom will also have lost a loved one and who will have been given different explanations as to what death is and what happens next.

Clearly he didn’t handle this well- however, death is a fact if life and at some point she will have to deal with it. Whether it’s a death of family or a pet. My children lost their father at 6 and 9 - and when you gin through this you realise no one talks about death, no one knows how to handle it.
It silly really seeing as it’s inevitable.

There is no loss of magic in learning about death. Where do we come from and where do we go is one of the eternal mysteries.

It is normal for an adult spending time with a child to answer their questions as best they can.

It wasn't his call and he sounds very crass but now it has been raised you do need to start thinking about this. When my dd was 4 her friend's mother died so it had to be dealt with. At the time she was at a faith school and her teacher was brilliant and included a prayer for "X's" mummy that week.

You and your DH need to agree what you want to tell her and discuss it with her now that the issue has been raised.