Death & a 4yo

[kgfreo]

My FIL told my 4yo last night at 7:30pm (right before bedtime) that everyone and everything dies and turns into dust and that's just a fact of life. Since then, my 4yo has been hysterical! She thinks me and her daddy and her sister are going to die and leave her or she's going to die and leave us and all her friends, she didn't sleep until 4:30am and today hasn't spoken a word and just clings onto my leg. My FIL and his wife think she's overreacting and that it's weird that she doesn't know about death "at her age".. AIBU for not exposing her to that side of life yet?? I don't know what to do, I honestly want to cut them out of our lives!!!!

I agree it wasn’t the best way and it wasn’t for him to have that chat with her.

My son is also 4, but he knows about death as both his grandparents (my dad and partner’s mum) passed before he was born. He asks questions and we answer him, but we just talk about death as that person not being here anymore and that we miss them. In both cases they’d been ill, but id read somewhere to be mindful of how we explain it to kids so they don’t think every cough or cold will result in death etc, so have kept it very basic and explained that they were very poorly and there wasn’t any medicine to help at that time. We aren’t religious so don’t do heaven or in the stars etc.

@Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah when talking about babies in tummies my son asked if I’d eaten him!! 😂 I can’t remember how we explained it, but it’s likely to have been in simple terms like “daddy gave mummy a seed and it grew into a baby”.

Don’t over complicate it and be as honest as is age appropriate. My dad died when I was 2 and my sons Dad died when he was 7 last year. The best advice I got from our CHUMS lady was:

“Children and very forgiving, when DS asks questions you won’t always get it right, he might ask someone else they might not get it right, there is nothing stopping you from asking to have another go at answering that question as you weren’t ready for it first time round”

My most used phrase over the first few months was “you know when you asked me/Nanny/Grandad X? Well I/she/he didn’t quite give you the right answer so please can I have another go at answering the question properly for you”

As above never ever ever use the phrase “fell asleep” as she will panic that’s what will happen when she sleeps. Best thing is to be clear factual and honest.

“When you get really really old, your body stops working and you die because you don’t need your body anymore it can eventually turn to dust. We are not going to die. I am X age and look I am still alive and so is my Mum and so on, there is nothing to worry about and if you do have a worry or a question just tell me and we can talk about it.”

Not the greatest timing, but I think it's a bit surprising for a 4yo not to know about death. I don't think there is anything wrong with dc knowing about death, and fil told the truth.