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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to move in ?

27 replies

happycoffeedrinker1979 · 14/07/2019 12:31

Long story short .. we are a family of 5 and we brought a house in May, it needs total renovation as its very dated .. but with a professional deep clean we could just about live in it. We have been living with ILs since March. We have the house plans drawn up but no builder/start date/builder contract or agreement - that's an entire other thread.

H doesn't want to move in until the house is completed but goodness knows when that will be as the planned works are 3 months and its not even got a start date yet. I can no longer stand not having my own front door or living with my ILs, as it feels like we are in a bed sit, or having all our stuff piled up around us. I'm at breaking point and feel on the verge of a breakdown. The children hate living at ILs too - they are bored with only their very minimal things at ILs, all their stuff (and ours) is in storage. AIBU to want to move into the house and say the works can happen around us ? or do we carry on 'squatting' at ILs ? just to add context, at ILs we have our own rooms and a separate wing of the house but w have to share kitchen and living room. we have been given a beer fridge by ILs to use as our fridge - for 5 of us.

We tiptoe around ILs, they tiptoe around us. We have totally separate ideas/ways of living, i cant have a bath as FIL does believe in the water usage a bath warrants. He checks the water bath levels when i ruin the bath for our son. We pay our share of the bills.

OP posts:
NinjaInFluffyPJs · 14/07/2019 12:34

I lived on a building site without children.😮
You don't want to do it.

GabriellaMontez · 14/07/2019 12:36

Depends on the extent of the works. Will you be able to live in 1 or 2 rooms? I wouldn't stay with the IL for a second longer than necessary.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 14/07/2019 12:38

As someone currently having an extension living on a building site is hell. It is so much easier to renovate when you are not living there.

What exactly needs to be done? Could you at least make a bedroom habitable so you can move some of your things there and possibly have a break now and again.

For what it is worth it is probably hell for your in laws too.

Pipandmum · 14/07/2019 12:42

If it needs complete renovation living there with kids will be miserable and double the time.
If you don’t like living with your very generous in laws then go rent somewhere. If you can’t afford to do that then suck it up - I wouldn’t be happy with five people staying at my house - family members or not.

Original poster
happycoffeedrinker1979 · 14/07/2019 12:44

@harry its totally hell for my ILs too, they want their space/sanity/quietness back as do we. It's a difficult situation for everyone being under the same roof.

the works are a total re-gut except the living room. we could move things to the house and then live inbetween both houses, so when the works get too much we can stay at ILs ie if the power if off etc.. but we can easily access our stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
happycoffeedrinker1979 · 14/07/2019 12:46

@pip - it was my ILs and H's idea to move into ILs house. I was against it .. and we're all agreed it's been very difficult for everyone ..

OP posts:
Yellowweatherwarning · 14/07/2019 12:47

Rent an air B&B?

DelphiniumBlue · 14/07/2019 12:51

Why haven't you got a start date?
If you knew when all this would be over it might make it easier on everyone.
Personally I'd be throwing my resources on getting it done without further delay.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/07/2019 12:51

It's not Either/Or.

You could move into the house for now. You could then move back out (to in-laws if they are willing) once the renovations are underway.

Seems a bit daft to be staying with in-laws practically indefinitely with no planned start date for the renovations.

Original poster
happycoffeedrinker1979 · 14/07/2019 12:56

@blue - my FIL is coordinating it all, he is the architect but on holiday atm. he wants to reply to the builder on email .. but it takes him weeks to reply .. the builder then never replies and have to chase him. FIL wants to have control over the project as he knows the builder and doesnt want to damage his relationship with him. I am chipping in where i can but with only having spoken to the builder on phone once and email a few times and with not seeing what FIL is saying to the builder (who is now on holiday for a week) on email its really difficult. I feel like i am being held at ILs while everyone drags their feet. H has done nothing in terms of chasing or trying to take control of the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
happycoffeedrinker1979 · 14/07/2019 12:57

totally @DisplayPurposesOnly

OP posts:
hadthesnip2 · 14/07/2019 12:57

Can you rent for 6 months. Even if was a smallish property & you all had to sleep in one bedroom or skip on the sofa. At least it will feel "yours" and you can have your privacy & more importantly a bath.

Bookworm4 · 14/07/2019 13:00

Take control of this, tell your DH to give himself a shake. Is your FIL an actual architect or deemed himself one for this project? Why use a builder who never replied? He sounds crap.Make a schedule and get the relevant tradesmen lined up.

Original poster
happycoffeedrinker1979 · 14/07/2019 13:03

@worm - FIL is a registered architect and has been practicing for years, he has his own company. Problem is that H wont use anyone else - only who his dad says ie the builder we have been speaking to (but not confirmed with yet, despite me trying my best).

I am in just such a state over all this.

OP posts:
TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 14/07/2019 13:14

You need to take a breath, it's been three months, living on a building site is hell on earth and we did it without children. The work will also take longer if you are living there. Your DH needs to step up and chivvy the builder/his father. Tell him unless he does this you're going, to a travel lodge, air BnB etc. Try and take the DCs out as much as possible over the summer. I've you've got a date it'll feel much better, rather than the limbo you're existing in. Can you go away at all this summer? Even just camping to give you all some space

BarbedBloom · 14/07/2019 13:35

I would tell your H unless he gets stuff started, whether that involves going somewhere other than FIL that you and the children will be moving out

Rosiesandposies1 · 14/07/2019 13:44

Had your FIL invested any money into this and this is why he’d having so much control? If not, then why is he?

Original poster
happycoffeedrinker1979 · 14/07/2019 13:47

@rosies- he has not invested anything money wise, just time. He has draw the plans and advised what is likely to get through planning permission (which we have now got). He can advise any builders technically and talk them through the plans. i cant do that. i can only give them the plans. we cannot afford to go elsewhere for a diff architect, there is no room in the budget for that.

OP posts:
CigarsofthePharoahs · 14/07/2019 13:48

So your pil is getting fed up with you all living in his house, but is dragging his feet with getting the work sorted?
Having children around whilst serious work is happening is hard. DH refitted our kitchen and we had a two year old. That was hard.
Threaten to pitch a tent in the garden? Might be easier than constantly feeling unwelcome and in the way.

Original poster
happycoffeedrinker1979 · 14/07/2019 13:50

@cigars that is totally it - feeling unwelcomed and in the way 100%

I don't get my PIl is dragging his feet, it doesn't make sense. I feel he is trapping us in his house, if that doesn't sound odd.

OP posts:
Tigger365 · 14/07/2019 13:59

Can you not take the plans to another builder? If you have planning permission?
I don’t know, I’m a serial renter.
But I can math, and I can see if you don’t instruct builders soon, you’re going to be stuck at PIL’s over Xmas and into new year. How does that sound with 3 kids and a whole load of new stuff?

amusedbush · 14/07/2019 14:03

We've just bought a house that has had nothing done to it DIY-wise for years (the newspaper under the kitchen flooring had articles about Princess Diana from 1986 - DH and were born four years later Grin).
We've had to have central heating installed and it needs a new kitchen, bathroom, flooring/decorated/ceilings skimmed throughout, new interior doors and lintels, partial re-wire, possibly new windows... you name it.

I wouldn't live in the house during the renovations for love nor money and we don't have kids to worry about.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/07/2019 14:15

I agree. Camping with the kids on school holidays would be better than this. Try to break up the time you are spending there? a few nights in a country Air bnb? Maybe spend a night or two in the house before work starts? ... how about day trips to the sea side with kids, eating out, and returning v late.. It will all be over soon.

Youtoldme · 14/07/2019 14:23

Could you live in a static caravan in the garden at new house??

Bookworm4 · 14/07/2019 14:39

What exactly needs done? Most work can be done without an architect unless you’re building. I’d be taking the plans and getting the work started with reliable tradesmen.