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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that not answering to questions/posts on family group chats is rude?

62 replies

Username000 · 14/07/2019 10:48

Just wondering whether it’s me or people find this rude.
I found that when i add a question / post on family group chats is being ignored. Not really sure why, or in the best case scenario only one person responds with a smiley face or ‘awww that’s nice’!
Usually I respond to everyone who posts...i think it’s nice and considerate to do so.
Also I found that if I send a message with more than one question...people will only respond to one and ignore the rest.
I am quite hurt when this happens as I think they are not bothered enough to respond.

Maybe I overthink things...

OP posts:
Original poster
Username000 · 14/07/2019 19:12

Anyway I am quite happy and interested in hearing about what they wish to share as I don’t see them as often as I’d like

OP posts:
Hannah4banana · 14/07/2019 19:18

So glad I'm not the only one who mutes the in laws family chat! Just constant photos and questions, bores me to death but I don't have the balls to remove myself Grin

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 14/07/2019 19:19

I haven't got a family group chat,is this a thing?!

Zakidoodles23 · 14/07/2019 19:21

I'm not offended when family don't respond on the group chat. If I want someone in particular to respond I message them separately e.g would nephew like this for his birthday would be sent just to my sister

cloudyinjune · 14/07/2019 19:25

I exited my family chat because I could not keep up
I am happy to be contacted individually or as a group in person

Original poster
Username000 · 14/07/2019 19:30

Oh wow...so then I’m in minority. I genuinely like to respond to everyone I thought that not only it’s right but I actually care.
I don’t mute the group chat as it’s kind of horrible thing to do.
I also work and have my daughter to care for but I want to make time for my family.
But I guess people are so involved in their own little lives that other members of the family come second.
Don’t know what to say really

OP posts:
starzig · 14/07/2019 19:31

Maybe not everyone spends as much time on social media as you do. You will be lucky if I go on once a week and I'd be even less likely to get involved with group chats unless someone needed a response

Original poster
Username000 · 14/07/2019 19:32

Yeah that’s fair enough.
I get notifications so it’s kind of hard to avoid.

OP posts:
DennisMailerWasHere · 14/07/2019 19:34

Op. No one here knows your family dynamics so we're just guessing.

In my case, I muted the family in law chatter on my phone from family for a few reasons:

  1. I have to lock my phone away at the start of shifts. Coming back to 47+ messages in 1 day (8hrs!!) talking about inane stuff just meant I missed the stuff that's important (text message from DH saying he'd be 15 min late picking me up). Who's got time to wade through all the noise?

  2. people are using it as a way to avoid real interactions. Sending 14+ family members an update isn't building a 1-on-1 relationship worth anything. I don't want grandma to only be a WhatsApp picture on a phone.

  3. I literally don't have time or interest to respond to a lot of the topics these family members are talking about. I've normally got about 5 minutes of slack time in the morning, can't use my phone on duty, then I'm usually driving back home to start dinner and catch up with everyone's needs before bedtime... I don't have time to spend an hour a day wading through kitten pics, what hairdresser someone is going to, what's for dinner, look what the dog did.. seriously. People that chatter away about all manner of mundane stuff who just don't have much else going on. Fine for them but I'm not interested or have spare time to engage even if I was interested.

LottieLucie · 14/07/2019 19:35

Wow. You're just expecting everyone to react the same way you do to posts on family chats. We're all different, there's no right or wrong. They're not being rude. You are completely over-thinking it and reading way too much into it.

2 photos approximately (I bet it's more!) per month sounds like a lot to me. I'd get sick if that no matter how far away you lived from me.

HappyintheHills · 14/07/2019 19:42

Their own little lives ?

They are prioritising their real lives over online ones

Original poster
Username000 · 14/07/2019 19:42

@LottieLucie you must be so self centred and selfish.

And how do you know how many pictures I send? How do you know it’s more? Do not assume on my account pls

Anyway I don’t know where you people live but the world is one selfish place if you don’t have time for your own family

OP posts:
Original poster
Username000 · 14/07/2019 19:43

I know I’m reading into things.,,it’s my personality unfortunately but I care while lots of people on here don’t

OP posts:
Original poster
Username000 · 14/07/2019 19:44

If there is no other way of being involved in their lives unfortunately online is the only way

OP posts:
LottieLucie · 14/07/2019 19:47

You just sound like one of those ridiculous adults who gets arsey if no-one responds on social media on their terms. Good luck with that. It doesn't mean they don't care but you seem hard of understanding so...

Also, I don't really give a monkeys if you think I'm selfish & self-centred. YABU.

Imbananas · 14/07/2019 19:50

Man what a shitty thread 😂😂

Elliebellbell · 14/07/2019 19:50

Op please calm down, you sound very agitated about something that really doesn't warrant it.

WhatsApp can be a great tool for organising a big group of people but it can be a giant pain in the bum for constantly pinging with pointless nonsense because some users feel the need to comment on every post.

cloudyinjune · 14/07/2019 20:52

I also work and have my daughter to care for but I want to make time for my family.
But I guess people are so involved in their own little lives that other members of the family come second.
Don’t know what to say really
ConfusedConfusedConfused
My goodness, no way I would be in a group chat with you.
Some people don't live glued to their phones.
Some people ring their families or write or visit.
And no, I don't love my family less for not replying on bloody whatsapp.
Are you 15?
Little lives? Confused

cloudyinjune · 14/07/2019 20:53

Rude to turn off notifications?
You sound terribly immature and petty

Fizzypoo · 14/07/2019 21:05

This thread is terrible Grin

OP I have a few group chats, one family one which is only used to arrange outings between me, my dm and dsis.

Then I have the girls chat, this is muted. I sometimes look at it. There are people on this chat I haven't seen in 15 years apart from the odd lunch or drinks in a big group. Not all of these people are my friends although I do know them all.

Then the inner circle girls chat, when I'm busy with uni work and have no time for life outside of mothering, studying and working its muted. At the moment whilst I'm free for summer it's not muted and I'm a lot more active on it. None of us ignore a post, someone always responds. I think it's a bit shit that no one ever responds to you. Stop responding to them so much. This chat is different to the first chat as we're the ones who are sociable and see each other regularly.

I've also got another inner inner circle chat with my closest out of my closest friends. This is more private and only has friendships that were made in school 20 + years ago.

I think its shit you get left hanging. I wouldn't bother anymore if I was you.

Rachelover40 · 15/07/2019 03:40

It wouldn't be rude for you to turn off notifications, I doubt anyone would even notice, at least for a while.

You're making yourself unhappy, op. This really is not a very big deal in the scheme of things. People often don't live up to our expectations but do any of us have the right to expect too much from others?

Concentrate on all the good things in your life and move on.
Flowers

Durgasarrow · 15/07/2019 03:57

I do NOT feel obligated to respond to family group chats, but if I did, I would feel that a smiley face or an "aww, isn't that adorable" would be a perfectly acceptable answer.

ethelfleda · 15/07/2019 05:20

YABU

Norma27 · 15/07/2019 06:14

My Sil and bil have tried to start a family WhatsApp group. I think only they have posted on it so far.

Dillydallyingthrough · 15/07/2019 06:38

OP I do think your over thinking this. I'm on a couple of family groups - one with my siblings and parents and the other with my wider family (uncles, aunts, etc).

On both we don't respond to everything (for example photos of my niece - one will respond with 'so cute' and it's accepted that we all think it - saves lots of post with same thing).

Nearly all of us mute the wider family chat as we are all busy (again this doesn't mean we don't care but we understand we are all busy with different routines). Some people never respond on the family group but instead prefer a catch up in person every few months but like to keep updated on what's going on, it's about how you prefer to communicate.

We don't know your family dynamics, they might be shitty and uncaring or they may not. But I think your response that only your way means you care is quite immature and lacks understanding - there are lots of ways to show you care. Most people do not equate care to a message.