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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to expect from new ‘step dad’ with 7 year old

49 replies

lilythemoo · 14/07/2019 03:04

I work in education and have a background in psychology; so I thought I’d be prepared for this shit. Alas, no.
History: ex was charged under coercive control and harassment laws. He was verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive and physically intimidating. Child lived this with me.

  • ex given a good behaviour bond of 6 months
  • ex has improved significantly which is great for child.
  • have new partner: has been 3 months. Don’t know how to negotiate the ‘parenting’ . He is a gentle soul and is very kind but I think he has unrealistic view of how children really are. It isn’t easy. They can be wee shits but that’s also normal.
How do you guys do this?
OP posts:
curlykaren · 14/07/2019 03:23

Someone you've been dating for 3 months isn't a step patent and, in my opinion, shouldn't be meeting your child yet. Why are you in such a hurry?

hadthesnip2 · 14/07/2019 03:24

Firstly you dont introduce your child your new partner for at least 6 months.....preferably 12.

Secondly you dont introduce your partner to your child for at least 6 months preferably 12.

Got it.

Fantail · 14/07/2019 03:40

I’ve only just introduced my boyfriend to my daughter who is 8. She has known about him for a while, she was asking to meet.

He had a step-father who he didn’t get on with. Having been in that situation he is very self-aware, and doesn’t want to parent at all. He’s just interested in getting to know my daughter and for her to get to know him.

If he wanted to parent or offer any opinions on my parenting I would have run a mile.

BitOfFun · 14/07/2019 04:14

Your boyfriend of three months is NOT a stepfather, and he should not be involved in parenting your poor seven year old who is surely still processing the abusive relationship she was forced to endure while you stayed with his/her father.

Your references to "wee shits" and your boyfriend's lack of understanding of children's behaviour is raising more red flags than a Communist rally.

Give the kid a break and don't subject them to the misguided intervention of this strange bloke that even you can barely know.

I'm shocked that you can't see this as an educator/psychologist/whatever. Have you done the Freedom Programme? You really should.

StoppinBy · 14/07/2019 04:23

He is not a step parent and I agree with pp that the two of them should not have even met yet.

If you are treating him as step parent that is unfair to both your child and your partner. Your son should not be expected to treat a total stranger who may well be gone from his life within months like a surrogate father and I can't imagine many men would be happy to take on that role so early in to dating either.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/07/2019 04:39

You don’t introduce him for at least another 6 months. He doesn’t get to parent or discipline your child unless and until you’re a serious item. 6 or 12 months isn’t enough time to be serious.

Graphista · 14/07/2019 04:42

How long ago did you split from ex?

3 months is FAR too soon to even be THINKING of introducing a new parent figure to your son.

With your background frankly I'm shocked that this is your focus right now. Have you accessed support for your son to process the abuse he witnessed/experienced from your ex? That needs to be dealt with before you even START thinking of introducing your new boyfriend to him.

Normally I'd say 6 months but given all your son has been through definitely no earlier than 12 months and even then very cautious introductions, NO "parenting" by boyfriend, careful observance of your son and listening to any concerns he has, pay careful attention to how they get along and absolutely be prepared to call it all off at the slightest hint of a problem.

HennyPennyHorror · 14/07/2019 04:44

He doesn't GET a say in parenting OP. He's a complete stranger.

HennyPennyHorror · 14/07/2019 04:45

From what you've said in your opening post, it sounds like you've already introduced them and that he's already complaining and trying to have a say.

Not on.

ukgift2016 · 14/07/2019 04:46

I work in education and have a background in psychology; so I thought I’d be prepared for this shit. Alas, no.

I find this hard to believe. I am guessing this may have been in supporting role and not in a professional capacity.

You should not be introducing your child to your new boyfriend after 3 months, especially after what he been through with his father. Do you have a social worker you can discuss this with?

joystir59 · 14/07/2019 04:47

You need therapy to understand why you are giving your power and responsibility away to a complete stranger.

lunar1 · 14/07/2019 05:07

Your daughter has been through enough trauma, let her life settle. She doesn't need to be involved with any of your boyfriends for at least a good year. Even then he wouldn't be her parent in any way. Stop prioritising your love life over your child.

madroid · 14/07/2019 05:11

Yes agree with all other posters. You should not let any man meet your precious children until you know them v well. At least for a year or two.

And even then they should not have a parental role. Just a kind adult friend. Never a parent.

Samarie123 · 14/07/2019 05:24

I do agree with other people about calling him ‘stepdad ‘ but also understand that you want the best for your child after being in an abusive relationship.
For now he should just be introduced as a friend.
I remember my mum introducing a man in our life and she focused more attention on him than us which made me detest him.
Keep focus on your child for now as they will feel left out if they think he is gonna come in to your lives in a big way.
I was 7 too and felt jealous when My life changed by having a strange man around, Being sent to bed earlier etc.
Put child first and introduce slowly. Your child wont be interested in having a stepdad right now, only will be wondering why you don’t have enough time for them lately when they need you most.

Butchyrestingface · 14/07/2019 05:40

have new partner: has been 3 months. Don’t know how to negotiate the ‘parenting’ . He is a gentle soul and is very kind but I think he has unrealistic view of how children really are. It isn’t easy. They can be wee shits but that’s also normal

Er, why is your “partner” of 3 months (!) “parenting” your child? Confused

Your kid must be wondering who this random trying to tell them what to do is.

BenWillbondsPants · 14/07/2019 05:42

3 months? Step-parent?

I hope you're fucking joking.

user1483387154 · 14/07/2019 05:48

3 months is not enough time to know if this relationship is serious.
You should not introduce him to your daughter yet and he definitely should not be taking on a parental role.
This situation could cause severe mental anguish to an already fragile and vulnerable child

speakout · 14/07/2019 05:54

Your boyfriend is not a step parent. You have been dating for 3 months. Keep him away from your child. He may or may not turn out to be long term- if not it is your loss to handle don't get your child involved in your dating scene.

SignedUpJust4This · 14/07/2019 06:07

This isn't a step parent. It's a complete stranger. Come on OP. Have some sense. Don't introduce men to your kids for at least 6 months pref a year.

newmomof1 · 14/07/2019 06:08

I agree with PPs. You shouldn't be introducing them for a while yet.

But, additionally, your children should be your number 1 priority so if the new boyfriend can't cope with kids, I'd walk away now.

Queenofthestress · 14/07/2019 06:54

It's been just shy of 2 years and I don't think my kids even know that my partner is my partner, they just know him as his name, that he plays with them and occasionally will watch them once in a while if I have no options for other childcare. That is the kind of relationship your boyfriend of 3 months should have, apart from the childcare thing, if you absolutely must introduce them. Mine was a bit different because we'd known each other 6 years and was close friends beforehand, so the kids have always known about him.

Itstheprinciple · 14/07/2019 07:47

Whatever happens, your child must be your number one priority. You are their champion and advocate in life. No matter how desperate you are for companionship/love/sex/whatever, you child only has one childhood and one mother. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you once your child is independent.

Step parents can be wonderful and absolutely awful (I've had personal experience of both) but, as their parent, you need to be the gatekeeper and sadly, that was lacking in my life, with long lasting consequences.

BiscuitDrama · 14/07/2019 07:50

What sort of expectations does your partner have about behaviour, that you don’t agree with?

SnowsInWater · 14/07/2019 07:52

You have a background in psychology, have said your son has been exposed to pretty high level DV and are referring to someone you have been in a relationship with as a step dad (the inverted commas don't change that) and you are talking about negotiating the parenting. I really don't ever come on here to be unkind but seriously? Focus on your child, keep this new relationship well away from him and please, please get some help so you can relearn what is normal.

Pinktinker · 14/07/2019 07:54

Wow, MN on a roll this morning with the crazy rhetoric.

He’s not a step-dad, he’s barely even your boyfriend after three months. Wait at least another three months before even introducing them let alone anything else.