What to expect from new ‘step dad’ with 7 year old

[lilythemoo]

I work in education and have a background in psychology; so I thought I’d be prepared for this shit. Alas, no.
History: ex was charged under coercive control and harassment laws. He was verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive and physically intimidating. Child lived this with me.

• ex given a good behaviour bond of 6 months
• ex has improved significantly which is great for child.
• have new partner: has been 3 months. Don’t know how to negotiate the ‘parenting’ . He is a gentle soul and is very kind but I think he has unrealistic view of how children really are. It isn’t easy. They can be wee shits but that’s also normal.

How do you guys do this?

What you expect is for your boyfriend of 12 weeks to respect that he won’t be meeting your son for a good long while, until he has proven himself worthy - and the bar is very high given what the poor mite has already been through.

Your child should be the number one priority here but it doesn’t come across like that.

After 3 months how can you call anyone a partner? You cannot possibly know him yet. He shouldn't be involved with your children at all never mind assuming any sort of parenting responsibility.

Did you do the Freedom Programme after your split? It sounds very traumatic for all of you. Obviously, you can and should have other adult relationships, but you need to be super careful about protecting your children.

Background in Psychology and you think a bloke you have been seeing for a few weeks is now youe sons Stepfather ! Says all you need to know about Psychologists

Although I'd normally be the first to agree that 3 months isn't enough time, I did find myself in a similar position when my ex and I split up. My DD was 5. We ended up with nowhere to stay. I met another man 6 months after the split and within 3 months we rented a house together. It wasn't ideal, and my DD only saw him as a friend of mine at first.
We've just celebrated our silver wedding anniversary, my DD is now a mother and refers to him as grandad with her child.
I didn't expect him to be a parent to my DD at all, as she already had a father whom she loved. It took time, and being a step dad was gradual. Sometimes circumstances happen that aren't ideal, but it's how you manage it that matters.

My dc didn't meet my then dp for a long time and even then he was my 'friend' for a long time eg only met him for lunch or he'd join us for the cinema or come over for dinner.
Any man who has the potential to be a decent stepfather will happily go at this pace.
A boyfriend of 3 months is not a stepdad!!!

Too much too soon.

@Soontobe60 don’t encourage her

@barmybitch
I'm not encouraging her. The deed has already been done, the new boyfriend is a thing. The OP isn't asking if he should meet her child. That door has slammed shut. I'm trying to point out that despite making a bad decision, as I did, it doesn't have to end badly. She probably feels bad enough as it is. Those of us who have been in a relationship that ended badly with children involved are not always at their most rational self when making decisions after the event.
The OP doesn't need kicking when she's down, she needs support with how to move on from this.

She doesn't need encouragement in 'don't worry hun, I did it and it's fine'

Jesus wept

Background in psychology and work in education- hmmmm but not trauma aware at all?

A boyfriend of 3 months is barely a partner, never mind a step dad.

You need to step back and consider why you thought it was appropriate to think of your new boyfriend that way, it's far far too soon. It will be overwhelming, your DC needs stability and no being introduced to strangers who try and fulfil the already confusing dad role for her after 5 minutes in the door is fundamental.

Are you even really ready for a relationship after your experiences? Please look into the freedom programme.

Your reference to your boyfriend not understanding children is a huge red flag, although you didn't provide details. Their introduction to any new partner needs to be well managed otherwise will only emotionally damage them further.

How can you work on education and have a psychology background and get this that wrong?

"Partner" and "Step Dad" after weeks of dating. What is there even to say to that. SMH.

You are WAAAAAYY over confident in your ability to judge people and situations, OP. Your post demonstrates poor judgement and manifestly inadequate boundaries.

I would recommend that you slow this relationship 🤨 (barely that, 3 months in) way down, do the Freedom Programme, strengthen your boundaries and be single (or date casually) for a little long while.

At this stage in your life, particularly as a vulnerable (given your history) single parent, the priority should be screening for predators profiling you for access to your child, not figuring out how best to immediately make them "new Daddy" with almost unrestricted access to said child.

I think non parents sometimes need to learn with kids what’s normal behaviour. You can’t just expect him to know if he’s not been around children; either way discipline is your area and he should be just trying to get to know the children. I wouldn’t really expect a partner of 3 months to have met a child yet and definitely not have an opinion on their behaviour or discipline

After three months he is just a boyfriend and should not have met your child! He absolutely should not be parenting them!

Step way way back and get to know him before you let him get close to your child. You both need to realise that you are the parent, not him. You will parent your child and at some point in the future he will get to know them and be kind to them. Maybe in several years he will be a step parent, but you are still the actual parent.

Get a grip and put your child first in this situation, especially given all they’ve been through with their dad.

He's not a "partner of three months" though, is he? That would imply that the first date/meeting/snog makes somebody your partner, which is clearly ridiculous. He's someone she's been dating for a few weeks.

I work in education and have a background in psychology; so I thought I’d be prepared for this shit. Alas, no.

Blimey.

What was your job in education and what background do you have in psychology?

Do you work in school admin and have psychology A level?

Fucks sake. Sort your head out and don’t go introducing a 3 month old fuck buddy to your child as a new step daddy.

Stop him parenting, step back and keep them separate for a while and start again building up in the future.

Have you had counselling / support / freedom programme after your ex ? You are going to do the same things again.

Dear god. Your poor child. Nothing else to say really.

I've been with my DP two years and he's lived here a year and still has no parental role.

For goodness sake. "Parenting" after only 3 months together? Just no.

I'm a single parent and I wouldn't expect any partner of mine to parent my child, ever. That's my job.

Aye right! Give your head a wobble

I have been with my boyfriend for years - waited a year to introduce him to my daughter and another year before we moved In together. He is still not her step dad - we aren’t married.

He is like a fun loving uncle to her - they get on great. But he doesn’t really parent her. If he asks her to do something she just does it and doesn’t argue. I know this will change when the dreaded teen years start.

Take it slow - don’t force rolls into people - he is just mummy’s friend at the minute - not a set dad.