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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I send text?

29 replies

mumlove1234 · 13/07/2019 17:38

I am good friends with one of the female directors at my place of work. We have been out a few times together, text regularly and have lots of chats throughout the day. I am also her secretary.

I made a mistake a few weeks ago, apologised and fixed my error. I spoke to her later on that day and she was a bit off with me, wouldn’t look at me when I was speaking to her and was acting weirdly. I was concerned that I must have made a bigger mistake than I thought even though it had been all sorted out. Next day I was really unsure how to act with her, I kept quiet, got on with my work and didn’t chat the way I normally would. She then texted me to ask if I was ok, I replied yes just busy. I was then told by another employee that she had told another director that I was an employee and she was the boss, she was entitled to give me into bother. I have never disputed that, and am the first to admit I have made a mistake and try my best to fix it. She was then back to her normal self chatting away and being very friendly. I was pleasant when speaking to her and did my work but I wasn’t extremely friendly as I used to be. I felt we had a good friendship and were able to tell one another if there was any issues. She always said I was to tell her if she was acting too big for her boots. She then deleted me from fb. I asked her regarding this and she went mental. She said I blocked her on fb (untrue). I mentioned the comment she made, she stood up and was screaming at me, pointing her finger at me and accusing me of lying! I walked away and said I wasn’t being spoken to like that.

Next day she said she wouldn’t apologise for the way she had acted, but could things be put behind us and we could carry on as we were. Things are now extremely awkward between us, she doesn’t tell me anything about work etc, I have to find out from others (bit shit when I am her secretary and last to know), and everything is dealt with by email. I used to love my job and now hate it as there is a horrible atmosphere.

Sorry for the long post, point of this is that I have been on holiday for 2 weeks, she is now going on holiday for 2 weeks, I have friend requested her on fb and she won’t accept it, do I send her a text saying have a lovely holiday or do I just leave it? Does it look like she has made it quite clear she doesn’t want to be friends again, or do I make the first move and see if we can get our friendship back?

OP posts:

GertrudeCB · 13/07/2019 17:41

I'd leave it tbh - her actions have made her position clear.

iogo · 13/07/2019 17:43

Leave it. I could tell from your first sentence the was an unequal power balance between you. I'm so sorry but it was never a real friendship. Friendships between boss and employee rarely are.

I'd be job hunting if I was you.

Butchyrestingface · 13/07/2019 17:44

I have friend requested her on fb and she won’t accept it, do I send her a text saying have a lovely holiday or do I just leave it?

Why in the name of the wee man did you do that? This friendship is dead, imo. Don’t make any more overtures. Keep it strictly professional and be prepared to log any ongoing incidents. And don’t bloody text!

Hopefully though, her holiday will give you both time to get back on a (strictly professional) even keel.

MyNewBearTotoro · 13/07/2019 17:44

I’d delete the friend request and start looking for a new job. She has shown her true feelings and clearly doesn’t see you as an equal.

TeaForTheWin · 13/07/2019 17:45

She then deleted me from fb. I asked her regarding this and she went mental. She said I blocked her on fb (untrue). I mentioned the comment she made, she stood up and was screaming at me, pointing her finger at me and accusing me of lying!

Get out of there, she is a lunatic. I like to call it out when I see it - she is some sort of cluster b personality. Slagging you off behind your back, lying ect…and then that. She isn't going to forgive you (as if there is anything to be forgiven) and chances are she is going to make life very difficult for you from now on. Don't try and reason with her, don't apologise (as that will make you seem an easier target) and dont keep working there. Find a new job and get out asap, she is a lunatic and she will wreck your life if you stay.

Butchyrestingface · 13/07/2019 17:45

Would she have to give you a reference if you found another job in the near future, OP?

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 13/07/2019 17:45

Why on earth have you friend requested her on Facebook?
I mean, she hasn't behaved well but you sound about 14

mussolini9 · 13/07/2019 17:46

Oh poor you OP you boss is deranged.
Next day she said she wouldn’t apologise for the way she had acted, but could things be put behind us and we could carry on as we were.

In other words "my title means I don't have to apologise but YOU have to suck it up & not make me own my actions or feel any awkwardness about being a tit".

Do NOT text about her holiday, do NOT bother with any further social interaction & do NOT get sucked back into her madness. She is an arrogant batshitter.

Treacletoots · 13/07/2019 17:48

She sounds identical to a quite honestly psycho I used to work for.

Get your cv out ASAP. She's going to get worse. Leave on your terms

NCforthis2019 · 13/07/2019 17:50

The mistake was getting too close, the lines were blurred and when it came to it, She pulled rank. I would be civil. Carry on while looking for another job. Rescind the FB request and keep everything professional.

GoGoGoGoGo · 13/07/2019 17:51

Why did you send her a friend request? I can’t work that out. She doesn’t want to be friends, don’t interact.

Amibeingdaft81 · 13/07/2019 17:52

I am good friends with one of the female directors at my place of work. We have been out a few times together, text regularly and have lots of chats throughout the day. I am also her secretary.

You got this back to front.

You are first her secretary. And then her friend.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 13/07/2019 17:52

What an awkward situation. Do you think she saw the relationship differently to you? Things back to where they were before is not this. However l agree, don't interact with her outside of work again.

WorraLiberty · 13/07/2019 17:55

All of this sounds so childish and hugely unprofessional.

Just leave the woman alone and try to act more professionally when she gets back.

Hopefully she'll try to do the same.

Original poster

mumlove1234 · 13/07/2019 17:57

Thanks everyone for the replies, much appreciated.

I sent the friend request because I thought we had a good friendship that shouldn’t be thrown away and I was trying to extended the olive branch. I thought that maybe with me being off on holiday things would have calmed down and we could start afresh. Silly of me to have thought that I realise that now. Request been rescinded.

She wouldn’t be required to provide me with a reference, it would be the other senior director I also work for who would do it.

OP posts:

TeaForTheWin · 13/07/2019 17:58

Might be wise in future to read up on these sorts of people. They get too close too fast and act like they are your friend and then when you make a mistake that pisses them off in some way they do this thing called 'splitting' (which is when a cluster b disordered person either sees you as all good or all evil) and suddenly hate you. So they start being nasty to you out of nowhere.

So THEN either you pull away a bit - and that enrages them, because how dare YOU pull away from them. OR you try and be extra nice/mend things (which is what you are doing now) or apologise and then that makes them see you as weak and so - they attack you even more. Because you've just shown your bare neck to a shark.

Sounds like that's what happening here. If in doubt use the 'rule of normal' - eg: NORMAL people don't scream at other people in the workplace, calling them a liar and all sorts. NORMAL people can admit when they have behaved inappropriately and apologise for it, NORMAL people accept apologies when given. Ect… ect...

Original poster

mumlove1234 · 13/07/2019 18:02

And you are correct WorraLiberty it is very unprofessional and childish, but not on my part. I carry out my duties as I have always done, I am not acting in a different manner that I have previously, except to the point I don’t discuss my personal life with her any longer or have the chats we previously did.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 13/07/2019 18:03

She sounds completely unhinged. I will bet this is not the first time she's been like this with someone else in the workplace. I very strongly suggest that in the future you avoid being "friends" with colleagues, especially managers/bosses. It rarely ends well.

Butchyrestingface · 13/07/2019 18:03

She wouldn’t be required to provide me with a reference, it would be the other senior director I also work for who would do it.

That’s a relief. I’d start sending that CV out.

TeaForTheWin · 13/07/2019 18:05

At least you have two weeks with her gone to job hunt xD maybe you can get out before she gets back.

HollowTalk · 13/07/2019 18:06

So she won't even communicate with you regarding the work you need to do? That is really terrible.

Quite honestly she sounds nuts. Who does she think she is, saying she can talk to you however she wants?

I would keep all communications strictly formal and would put things in writing, to make it easier for you when she tries to bring about a disciplinary or you need to make a formal complaint. One of those is inevitable.

PookieDo · 13/07/2019 18:14

Look the issue here is the friendship from the start I am afraid. I always kept friendship and work separate after a horrible friendship breakdown of a similar nature with someone senior to me at work some years ago.

I now only usually friend someone on social media when I move on to a new job, and try not to socialise and get embroiled in their personal lives too much from both a managers POV (as I am) and my own managers. My old manager is the same as me, I’ve not worked with her for about a year and she only sent me a request last week because we do like each other and now there is no issues with boundaries as we don’t work together anymore

I don’t go get drunk with my colleagues (ex colleagues maybe yes!) and I don’t tell them all my personal problems because I just think if things go wrong, you often end up having to leave your job and it’s not worth it

I would keep a distance from this person it will not improve by force, just stay professional. I don’t think you have done anything wrong but it is always dodgy ground to mix them too much

FYI some of my closest friends are people I have worked with in the past, as now I know it’s a real friendship as we stayed in touch!

Socksontheradiator · 13/07/2019 18:26

Poor you. I would like to agree with pps and @TeaForTheWin said pretty much what I was going to say x

sharonfromsunderland · 13/07/2019 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Silenttype · 13/07/2019 18:43

@sharonfromsunderland

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