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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm an idiot

45 replies

GrangeMountain · 13/07/2019 13:04

DH and I bickered about something really stupid, he escalated it a bit (I think) and my buttons were really pushed and I said "No wonder I'm miserable being with you." (I'm trying to recover from depression).

He shouted "Just say the word if you're done" and I replied "I'm so done!"

I got in the shower and heard some banging about. 10 minutes later I'd calmed down and regretted being so nasty, I wish I had better control of myself.

I came to apologise but DH has gone. I've tried calling him but he's not answering. He's never done anything like this before.

I've text him apologising but no answer. Have I ended the marriage?

:(

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 13/07/2019 13:07

It’s a row. He’ll calm down and come back. Then you talk. Honestly. If you’re miserable with him, you need to face that and see if it’s fixable. You can’t just say that to hurt him in a row.

Marnie76 · 13/07/2019 13:08

People argue, hopefully he’s just gone out to calm down too. Other than this are you generally happy together? Just send one more text and hopefully he’ll be back soon.

Cornettoninja · 13/07/2019 13:08

It sounds like you both need a bit of space to cool off. Depression isn’t easy for anyone involved to live with so sometimes tensions will boil over.

Do you have any strategies for soothing yourself when stressed or sad? If so then do some now and give it an hour or two before you try him again. Flowers

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 13/07/2019 13:10

Oh no. Hopefully he's just gone out to give you both some space to cool down.

Do your arguments often escalate in similar ways? Are you having counselling for your depression? It's worth looking into healthy ways to argue and express yourself. They really are skills that take practice.

Good luck.

user1483387154 · 13/07/2019 13:10

to me that would be the end. it is not normal to say those things when arguing.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/07/2019 13:12

He has probably gone off somewhere to calm down away from the bickering.

Bob5 · 13/07/2019 13:12

How long have you been recovering from depression? Has he been supportive in the main?

Original poster
GrangeMountain · 13/07/2019 13:13

Thanks for the replies.

I've had therapy and CBT which has helped massively with anxiety and I've taken so many steps to help lift the depression, I wouldn't say I'm clinically depressed now just prone to low mood now.

I know it's not normal or right of me to say those things. This is my fault.

I think he deserves better.

OP posts:
cardyop · 13/07/2019 13:13

Maybe it's ended, yes. I've lived with an angry depressive person before and there comes a point where you have to set boundaries.

Are you getting help for your depression?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 13/07/2019 13:15

Give him some more space. You said a hurtful thing. Hopefully he's just punishing you and you can make it up to him.

Original poster
GrangeMountain · 13/07/2019 13:24

Hopefully.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 13/07/2019 13:30

Fingers crossed that he's just a bit pissed off.

My DH and I do this, although it's usually me that leaves (never for more than a few hours). We're still together after 40+ years!

Original poster
GrangeMountain · 13/07/2019 13:56

@Jaxhog

Thanks so much for your post.

I'm baking a cake for him by way of an apology. Still haven't heard anything back yet. It's really out of character for him so I am worrying.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 13/07/2019 14:11

It’s normal to worry, sit tight and wait for him to be able respond to you when he’s calmed down a bit.

Committed relationships usually take a bit more than a comment to break completely. You can mend this and hopefully make it a little bit more robust if you both manage to talk through what actually caused it (stressed to breaking points I would imagine) and how to handle it from now on.

People get cross, angry and annoyed, it’s how you both deal with it that matters.

pollypenguin01 · 13/07/2019 14:16

Honestly if all it takes to end your marriage is an argument where you said something silly and he made a threat then it was on very shaky ground to start with.

It’s not just your fault, he made a threat that if you didn’t like whatever it was then he’ll be gone.

It seems very dramatic to be baking him a cake and sending endless texts about how sorry you are, has he done the same for you?

If this ends your marriage then tbh it would’ve have been something similar sooner or later.

Give it time, leave him be and make sure that you get an apology too.

Butchyrestingface · 13/07/2019 14:18

I said "No wonder I'm miserable being with you

This is the bit that would really have upset me rather than “I’m so done” part. I’d probably stew over it and wonder if I were responsible for the other person’s unhappiness.

Hopefully he’ll be back soon though. What kind of cake is it? Smile

Teddybear45 · 13/07/2019 14:18

It could be the end but if it is, in your heart of hearts would you blame him? Focus on you (and getting better).

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/07/2019 14:20

What threat did he make?

crustycrab · 13/07/2019 14:22

Do you know what? If my DP had said those things to me and I came in to find them baking a cake I'd be so upset and pissed off. How on earth can you do that when you've just told him those things? I'd assume you were relieved and getting on with nice things you enjoy like baking

GabriellaMontez · 13/07/2019 14:24

It depends on context. Could this be the final straw? Or is it just a row that you'll laugh about later? I'd have thought the latter.

ZeldaOfHyrule · 13/07/2019 14:26

Do you know what? If my DP had said those things to me and I came in to find them baking a cake I'd be so upset and pissed off. How on earth can you do that when you've just told him those things? I'd assume you were relieved and getting on with nice things you enjoy like baking

Wtf? Confused

SeeSomethingSaySomething · 13/07/2019 14:28

No cake on earth can make up for being blamed for your depression, especially as you say you’re not depressed anymore.

You at he’s never done anything like this before - do you often use him as a punching bag? If so, that’s abusive depressed or not - - no wonder he’s had enough.

I don’t think he’s punishing you and he deserves some space, which you’re clearly not prepared to give him as you’re only thinking of yourself and trying to alleviate your guilt tbh.

Equivalent to a bloke trying to smooth over an argument with a grand gesture.

In the context of how you’ve behaved the cake baking and texts are really manipulative.

Maybe a trial separation would help you both work out what you need for a healthy life be that together or a fresh start.

Good luck to the both of you.

Original poster
GrangeMountain · 13/07/2019 14:37

@crustycrab I thought it would be a nice thing do to.

OP posts:
crustycrab · 13/07/2019 14:38

@ZeldaOfHyrule so I'm out alone breaking my heart because he's said our marriage is over. All the while he's at home cracking eggs and whipping up a cake mixture.

Yeah, I'd be upset with that.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 13/07/2019 14:40

Baking him a cake is a gesture, but I think you really need to have a chat when the row is behind you. I think that an apology to him would be important, but also a chat about what things in your relationship need to be fixed.