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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm an idiot

45 replies

GrangeMountain · 13/07/2019 13:04

DH and I bickered about something really stupid, he escalated it a bit (I think) and my buttons were really pushed and I said "No wonder I'm miserable being with you." (I'm trying to recover from depression).

He shouted "Just say the word if you're done" and I replied "I'm so done!"

I got in the shower and heard some banging about. 10 minutes later I'd calmed down and regretted being so nasty, I wish I had better control of myself.

I came to apologise but DH has gone. I've tried calling him but he's not answering. He's never done anything like this before.

I've text him apologising but no answer. Have I ended the marriage?

OP posts:

crustycrab · 13/07/2019 14:40

It might be a nice thing to do. He might not feel how I'd feel. But honestly, how can a cake put that right? I'd want to know he felt as gutted as I did if we had any way of fixing things.

If he'd said that to me then no way would I be capable of baking

FredaFrogspawn · 13/07/2019 14:45

If he uses this as the catalyst for the actual end of the marriage, then he was feeling around for an excuse to go anyway.

Give him space and be prepared to properly talk when he returns.

Cornettoninja · 13/07/2019 14:47

crustycrab op has stated quite clearly she has had treatment for depression. It is much better for her to be doing something productive than staring out the window working herself up into a state. I’m sure she’s more than aware a cake won’t fix things but it’s something she can do right now.

Stop banging on about it’s worthyness.

crustycrab · 13/07/2019 14:59

Worthiness? I'm not banging on. Just answering pp who tagged me 🤷🏽‍♀️

I'll say I would see nice little cake baking session as a bit of a kick in the teeth if I want to. Because I would, it's got absolutely nothing to do with depression.

SeeSomethingSaySomething · 13/07/2019 15:01

It is much better for her to be doing something productive than staring out the window working herself up into a state. I’m sure she’s more than aware a cake won’t fix things but it’s something she can do right now*

Yes I agree, OP is baking to help herself feel better.

She’s not doing it for her husband at all, that’s a smokescreen.

He clearly wants space and she can’t even allow him that.

I thought crustycrab was trying to empathise with the human being OP blamed for her illness and was then told that ‘she was done’ with their marriage.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/07/2019 15:02

It is an activity to distract her for a while not a bloody knees up. I suppose she could have cleaned the bathroom as a distraction but hoped that the cake would also be a sorry gesture as well as a distraction.

crustycrab · 13/07/2019 15:05

Thanks see something that's exactly what I was doing. Never said she should be staring out of the window getting into a state either.

Cornettoninja · 13/07/2019 15:08

Apologies if that’s not where you were coming from @crustycrab I read your posts in a very different tone from what you intended.

crustycrab · 13/07/2019 15:11

No worries ninja that's the problem with text. It gets misconstrued

I did say he might like it and it might be a nice gesture. Just that I personally would be upset by it if I walked in on my OH baking a bloody cake after being told my marriage was "done" and having been blamed for someone's depression. The op hadn't considered the possibility so I pointed it out

Cornettoninja · 13/07/2019 15:22

@crustycrab

OP have you heard off him yet? (Sorry for derailing)

MT2017 · 13/07/2019 15:24

He may be feeling just as bad and that he pushed you into saying it was over.

Hope it's all ok and I think the cake is a nice idea. Anything that shows you didn't mean what you said is a good thing!

DH and I say some really horrible things to each other in the height of arguing but just celebrated our 20th anniversary - not everyone thinks what you say in a row is what you mean 100% of the time.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/07/2019 15:24

Thing is @crustycrab OP probably does need to do something to keep her distracted. Do you think there is anything she can do that would like she was just managing distractions rather than happily getting on with life? That isn't meant to be goady by the way, I understand the reasoning behind the cake and I understand what you are saying but am struggling to think of something that would do one without the other iyswim?

Original poster

GrangeMountain · 13/07/2019 15:24

@Cornettoninja thanks for being so kind and understanding in your posts; I know I don't deserve that much.

I'm not exactly channeling Nigella happily whizzing eggs and dancing to Bohemian Rhapsody, Crab, but I completely see your point.

I started to count out the painkillers I had, feeling quite overwhelmed with guilt so I thought baking would be a good distraction and be a nice gesture too. I hope DH is safe and sound and will come home when he's ready.

Maybe I need more help than I thought? I was sexually assaulted as a child and I thought I was fine and just 'got on with it' for years and years but I had a breakdown out of the blue a year ago, hence the CBT/anxiety/depression. Could be that I need more help as I don't like the person I have turned into lately.

And DH is nothing but supportive; he deserves better from me. I think if it is the end, he'll be much happier and will meet someone much nicer, more normal, without my baggage.

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/07/2019 15:33

And DH is nothing but supportive; he deserves better from me. I think if it is the end, he'll be much happier and will meet someone much nicer, more normal, without my baggage.

OP that made me shed a tear. It sounds like your DH loves you very much, and I bet he doesn't see it like that at all. However it is very hard to live with someone with depression and he himself may need someone to talk it through with. He might be feeling very overwhelmed.

Original poster

GrangeMountain · 13/07/2019 15:46

That's a really good point sweeneytoddsrazor. I've most likely been tunnel visioned. DH carries on remarkably well, he's my biggest cheerleader; I neglect to remember he can struggle too.

This is a wake up call for me to seek more help, and I'll respect DH's decision if he feels a break is needed, and help get him support if that's what he wants.

OP posts:

Cornettoninja · 13/07/2019 16:25

Each day as it comes Grangemountain. I hope you and your dh can talk properly soon. It doesn’t have to be a terrible thing that you both snapped this morning. If he has hit a wall that’s completely understandable and no bad thing as a reminder that he will be dealing with feelings that have arisen from your breakdown too.

Nobody is more important than anyone here but you both need to have ways to cope with what’s going on. It’s hard supporting someone you love because often you don’t know your limitations till you find you’ve nothing left to give. Your support of him will be harder whilst your adjusting but you still have something to offer him.

Don’t decide for him what he can and can’t cope with though. Accept your relationship for what it is and that he wants to be there as much as you do (or don’t if it arises - it would be hard but you can deal with it if it happens) and you can both concentrate your efforts on other areas. Easier said than done but sometimes it’s ok to dismiss a thought and not delve into it.

Zippyx · 14/07/2019 11:24

Is he back, OP? Hope all is ok. x

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt · 14/07/2019 11:31

If my DP had said those things to me and I came in to find them baking a cake I'd be so upset and pissed off. How on earth can you do that when you've just told him those things? I'd assume you were relieved and getting on with nice things you enjoy like baking

seriously?

some posters are bonkers. Doesn't matter what he would be doing, if he said something unpleasant and apologise when he comes back, it's fine.

VivienneHolt · 14/07/2019 12:09

Hopefully he just needs some space OP and you can talk when you get back. I think you’re right that you maybe need more help than you thought. An apology is important here, but even more so is you showing him what you are going to do to make sure this kind of thing doesn’t happen again. Whether that’s therapy or anger management or something else, you have to show him how seriously your intention is to change.

ZeldaOfHyrule · 31/07/2019 00:29

I honestly think some people were far too hard on you. If you feel you need help go for it. And don't let anyone make you feel worse than you probably already do. We all say things we don't mean sometimes and if you have anxiety/depression we tend to take it out on those closest to us. Always try and be open with your other half about how you feel. It is okay to feel how you do you cannot help it, but try and find coping mechanisms for when you feel agitated or whatever. Sometimes all we need is a timeout and we are fine. You are not alone with this. Hope all is well and take care xx

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