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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to ask/demand baby dad to be there?

27 replies

Mum2girl2015 · 13/07/2019 08:49

Our daughter is 10 months old with dietary requirements where she has CMPA and has been referred to a dietician as she’s not eating solids properly due to lateness of sorting out her original weight loss and milk intake. Aibu asking or even demanding that her dad come along to that appointment so I’m not having to relay information to him? I told him yesterday that an appointment has come through for next Friday so a weeks notice and he’s refusing to book this off or even tell his work about it. He gets his shifts weekly so he does different every week. I’m peeved because originally he said he would come and has now changed his mind choosing to work instead. Any views on what I should possibly do as he needs to know everything as he has her now every other weekend.

OP posts:

MustardScreams · 13/07/2019 08:51

You can’t force him to do anything. Take a note pad with you and write down all the relevant information and give it to him when he picks her up. That’s all you can do.

If he is unable to stick to her dietary requirements you then need to look at mediation and court as he isn’t putting your dd’s best interests and health first.

WorraLiberty · 13/07/2019 08:55

Exactly what Mustard said.

You can 'demand' until you're blue in the face but you can't force him to be there.

If it has any kind of adverse effect on your DD then you may have to look into court intervention.

Original poster

Mum2girl2015 · 13/07/2019 11:42

I understand I can’t make him ... can see a situation happening where the excuse will no doubt be ‘well you didn’t tell me this or that’ it’s the only reason I’d prefer he came so then there’s no misunderstandings or mix ups

OP posts:

Lllot5 · 13/07/2019 11:44

If he can’t come to appointments she can’t stay over. That’s what I’d do

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 13/07/2019 11:45

You can’t force him. You also don’t have to relay anything to him. If he wants the information he’ll turn up. No way would I be taking notes for him. You’re not having to be encouraged to go to your child’s appointment, why should he need encouragement? He should want to be there. If he doesn’t go, he doesn’t get the information.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 13/07/2019 11:46

And if he doesn’t have the information he obviously can’t have her overnight.

Mum2girl2015 · 13/07/2019 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PawPawNoodle · 13/07/2019 23:00

I think that it is wrong of you to deny him EOW (and by extension deny your child the time with their dad) just because you want him to come - it's not an appointment that requires both parents and you can just as easily write it down (as I imagine you would anyway to ensure you dont forget anything) and give him a copy.

lily2403 · 13/07/2019 23:06

He’s denying getting to know about his dd dietary requirement. I wouldn’t be taking notes like some secretary because he couldn’t be bothered going to an appointment...doesn’t sound like a caring parent to me

Starfish85 · 13/07/2019 23:13

It sounds like you're doing the best for your DD. He has the opportunity to rectify this by stepping up and being responsible so you're not actually stopping contact. He is.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 13/07/2019 23:17

it's not an appointment that requires both parents and you can just as easily write it down (as I imagine you would anyway to ensure you dont forget anything) and give him a copy.

So what you’re saying is all the responsibility for their child’s appointment should fall to OP because it doesn’t need two of them there. She should just suck it up that it will always be her arranging time off work for the appointments and he can carry on his life unhindered by his daughters medical needs because he has a PA to take notes for him.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/07/2019 23:22

You could potentially ask the doctor if they’d mind you recording the appointment on your phone so you can play it to him. They might be uncomfortable with that. I would definitely ask them to send a copy of the clinic letter to you and you can give him a copy of it.

TheSandgroper · 14/07/2019 00:18

I just record major appointments on my phone these days. That way all information is available to me later.

However I am rather with you on this. But withdrawal of contact may not be the best course. You don’t want it to come back and bite you on the bum.

Firefliess · 14/07/2019 00:33

If you're working too and having to take time off for appointments then it would be fair enough to ask him to do half of them.

But if you're not working and he's paying you child support as the primary carer of your DD then I'd say that includes you taking her to medical appointments. I've never in my life taken my DP/ex with me to a child's medical appointment. It doesn't require two adults. Relaying the information afterwards is just what the parent who is off work caring for the child does to the parent who was working.

You can ask for the instructions written down, take notes, or record the whole thing.

Bambamber · 14/07/2019 00:36

From my experience with a dietician, I have always received a written report of everything discussed and further action required within a week of the appointment.

MaryShelley1818 · 14/07/2019 00:42

You have absolutely no right to take away your childs contact with her father because you’re not happy he won’t do as you say. He should rightly take legal advice for this.
The appointment doesn’t require both adults to attend, that’s just a waste of leave. The adult who is free attends, then relays that information to the other one rather than punish your child.

Chloemol · 14/07/2019 01:47

Perhaps those of you posting about not needing two of you to go, and not stopping him from having the child overnight need to re read the post. The child has issues, the poster doesn’t want to have to relay something to a father who does not live with them and is not interested enough in his own child to turn up to an appointment to understand what is wrong and what HE needs to do when that child is with him. He may have questions how will they be answered?

If they lived together I agree one could go, but they don’t and he needs to understand himself what the issue is as there is only him dealing with it when the child is with him

jaseyraex · 14/07/2019 02:00

Just ask for two copies of the dieticians plan and give one to him. You can't make him attend and it really is quite petty to stop contact because of it, he could seek legal action for that. For what it's worth, I've been here with my DS. CMPA and eczema that was diagnosed at 8 months, allergies to peanuts, almonds, citrus, egg, soya diagnosed 10 months onwards. We had to go back to basics with weaning, purees and mashed food with finger foods on the side. DH couldn't attend most appointments, so I relayed information back to him. That's just what you do, the free parent goes to the appointment and fills in the other parent later. It would be no different if we weren't together. Don't punish your child because you're mad at your ex.

WomanLikeMeLM · 14/07/2019 02:07

His works probably have already said no which is why he is unable too.

Yeahnahmum · 14/07/2019 05:25

You will get it a l l in writing. And then you give baby daddy the copy. Simple.
It is a dietician appointment not heart surgery

RebootYourEngine · 14/07/2019 05:46

My DN has type 1 diabetes. Before any of us could look after him we needed to get training. I would see dietary issues as being the same. Those who have contact with the child need to know everything about the child's needs so he should attend the meeting.

Purpleartichoke · 14/07/2019 06:00

A baby having feeding issues is not that same as taking a baby in for an ear infection. Both parents need to be at this appointment. If he can’t make it, how can he be expected to safely care for his child.

GPatz · 14/07/2019 06:16

'The appointment doesn’t require both adults to attend, that’s just a waste of leave'

I guess a decent parent wouldn't see an appointment to understand their DC's dietry requirements as a 'waste of leave'.

Original poster

Mum2girl2015 · 14/07/2019 06:27

Can I add that baby daddy works through an agency he doesn’t get proper leave as he works different every week all he had to do was when they called Friday afternoon/Saturday was to say he was unavailable that day.... I made him aware before he even started work on Friday.

OP posts:

BeanBag7 · 14/07/2019 06:45

I think you're right. If he will be solely responsible for her sometimes then he needs to fully understand what is going on.

Posters saying "just give him a copy of the dieticians notes", say the same if OP couldnt be bothered to go the appointment too? That it would be fine for her to just read the notes, or do you think its important for her to attend the meeting?

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