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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my 13yo DD switch off her phone at 10pm every night

50 replies

Lindylu74 · 12/07/2019 23:09

I really don’t think I’m being unreasonable but it’s causing such huge arguments in our house and I’m wondering if anyone else is having the same problems. This has always been the rule in our house, and she knows it but fairy often she will have a massive kick off about it and say I’m trying to make her unhappy, she’s got nothing else to do, she’s losing friends etc. I stay strong, repeat the rule and then get subjected to up to an hour of tears, tantrums and insults. I’ve tried ignoring it then I tried punishing her by removing the phone altogether for a period of time. As far as I’m concerned she spends far too much time on it anyway and has pretty much given up on other interests like reading, dance and drama. But is this just normal teenage behaviour these days?!

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 12/07/2019 23:13

My 13yo will fuss for 10 seconds, anymore that and I won't give it back in the morning or I won't charge it over night. She knows I mean it.

Princessdebthe1st · 12/07/2019 23:14

Hi OP,
In our house our rule is no tech in the bedroom at bedtime. That applies to everyone (adults and 12yo DD). Most of the time phones, Ipads etc are in the kitchen charging. Fortunately my DD doesn't have a problem with it but even if she did the rule would stay the same. Stick to your guns, you are being completely reasonable.

Drum2018 · 12/07/2019 23:16

She's being way too dramatic. She should be going to bed at 10, not whining that she has nothing to do if she turns off her phone. I'd be making sure the phone doesn't make it to her bedroom, even if you have to hide it in your room every night. She'll soon get used to it and learn to live by the rules. Any dramatics, don't give it back for a day.

FarTooMuchWashing · 12/07/2019 23:17

My DD are 14 and 11. Phones are left downstairs in the kitchen at night from 7.30/8 pm. They have never been allowed them in their rooms overnight, but since January the rule is that they should have 12 hours off them everyday (hence the 7.30/8 shut down). It’s made a huge difference to the amount of sleep the 14 year old gets.
Also, she recently missed a huge row that erupted between her friends one evening. One friend has had the internet removed til Sept, another is on a phone ban and DD has managed to stay friends with everyone and avoid most of the fall out by not having been involved. She’s quite grateful for the rules now as she gets dragged into much less silliness.
I know that one day I will have to relinquish her phone at night, but I’m hoping that will be when shes 18!

Ohyesiam · 12/07/2019 23:18

YABU, she needs at least an hpir before bed with no screens. 9 o’clock would be more reasonable.

I have a 15 year old who gives me her phone at 9, often wailing” but I’ve not done my streaks!”.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 12/07/2019 23:19

Your rule is absolutely reasonable.

Haggisfish · 12/07/2019 23:20

Yanbu and I wish someone would enforce it for me😂Grin

Kaiylee · 12/07/2019 23:22

Tech goes off at 8pm weekdays and 9pm weekends here. They need at least 1 hour minus screens before bed. They can read instead.

lazylinguist · 12/07/2019 23:22

My 14 yo has to put her phone outside her bedroom on charge when she goes to bed at 9pm. She knows it's non-negotiable and doesn't complain (even though she's inseparable from the damn thing during the day).
Don't tolerate tantrums and insults. I'd take it off her for a few days every time she reacts like that. Increase it to a week if she carries on.

SeaToSki · 12/07/2019 23:22

Mine have a no charging upstairs rule and no devices at all after bedtime (9pm for the 13 yr old)

mummymayhem18 · 12/07/2019 23:23

My daughter is 13 and sounds quite similar to yours. She has an iPhone and we have set the downtime on it from between 10pm and 7 am. Also set app limits.

InflagranteDelicto · 12/07/2019 23:27

Google family. It shuts my dds' phones fine at a preset time. It can also limit their phone time.
DC are 15,13 and 11.
The WiFi box also kicks all their devices off at a preset time. It's a new one, when we changed supplier and I love that feature.
I totally agree with you. It will not harm them, and they are welcome to read.

Original poster
Lindylu74 · 12/07/2019 23:29

Thanks everyone. I needed to know I’m being reasonable after being shouted at for an hour tonight. I’m taking it off her for a few days as a result of the row, I’ve threatened that before but never really followed through with it so maybe this will show her I mean it.

OP posts:
QueenMabby · 12/07/2019 23:34

My DS’s phone shuts onto downtime at 8.30pm. He comes off all screens at that time to give him an hour of screen free time before bed. He’s 13. We have a charging station on the landing and devices go there. He doesn’t complain. It’s always been like that so it’s a habit.

mcmen71 · 12/07/2019 23:37

I have 2 dd
Dd1 is 16 and I let her keep hers most of the time as she has a bf and says they have snapping time as after 10 to each other and she doesn't snap anyone else after this time I do random checks
Dd2 is 14 and during holiday its 10pm phone in kitchen and 9pm on a school night.

MaryBerrysBomberJacket · 12/07/2019 23:38

Thank you for doing this; I've had a spare of meetings recently with parents about their child being late and exhausted every day and not one if them has agreed that restricting device use would help. These kids are missing form time, falling asleep in lessons and are being moody and agressive because they are tired. We've even had a teacher bitten because the 14 year old was 'over tired' (mum's reasoning)!

Thank you for parenting!

GoldenNoodle · 12/07/2019 23:48

OP - I had exactly the same argument with Ds13 this week - and it also went on for about an hour Hmm. Normally I ask him to bring his phone down at 10.00 - but I frequently forget sometimes I forget. So as a back-up, I set downtime on his phone between 10.00pm-7.00am. He was NOT happy. Why don't I trust him... none of the other parents etc.

liverbird10 · 12/07/2019 23:50

I was in bed by 9:30 at the latest at 13. I must be a billion years old or something.

hopefullyhelpfully · 12/07/2019 23:51

I have something similar. DD isn't allowed her phone in her room until after her homework is finished and has to leave it downstairs before bed. Apparently I am the worst and most unreasonable parent ever. Bedtime is around 10.00 in the week and a bit later weekend (if she doesn't have to get up.)
She argues about it all the time. I'm standing firm.....

colouringinpro · 12/07/2019 23:52

inflagrante tell me more about google family!

OP sounds entirely reasonable, but I have similar issues here....

MrsFogi · 12/07/2019 23:54

The rule in our house is no phones/ipads etc upstairs after 8pm and any phones etc upstairs after that time (whether by accident or on purpose) are confiscated for 2 weeks. Amazingly no one ever forgets....

jessicawessica · 12/07/2019 23:54

YANBU. My parents used to remove all my library books out of my bedroom at 9pm.
I used to make a fuss but they did let me listen to radio Luxembourg on my Tranny radio.
Times might have changed but you just swap one bad thing to another.

SundaeMorning · 12/07/2019 23:59

What age do people start letting their kids keep their phones in their rooms all night? I hate it but there comes a point where you have to trust them.

madamim · 13/07/2019 00:02

hi I have a 13 dd, Google family is awesome. Her phone locks down at 7.30pm every night. She's also capped at 4hrs internet a day. Bedtime for her is 8.30pm any later and she is horrid the next day. Other than holidays she knows these rules are non-negotiable otherwise I take her charger cables haha Grin

omione · 13/07/2019 00:06

sundaemorning When they leave school is the best age up until then schholwork and rest should be the most important things