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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He's doing all the right things now but I can't anymore AIBU

17 replies

Kingsheathh · 12/07/2019 22:01

Been married to DH for 10 years, three DCs under 10. We've been through so much in the last 10 years, I suffered with PND, he never helped me with the kids. He was lazy, and just a big manchild. In the end I couldn't take it anymore, lost all respect and love for him.

We've been apart for a year, I got used to being on my own and really looking forward to the future. He came back and asked for a second chance. The thing is he's doing and saying all the right things, and I can see he's really trying and want us to be a family again. But deep down, I have love for him but I honestly just want to move on and start fresh with someone new. I feel really guilty saying this, I won't be happy staying with him I know that.

Anyone else been in this situation? It's so hard seeing him try to make up for everything he's done wrong, but I just don't have it in me anymore. I feel so worn out and exhausted.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 12/07/2019 22:02

I don’t think he’ll change so if you got back together, it would be more of the same.

Grumpelstilskin · 12/07/2019 22:20

He had his chance and 10 years is a very long time not to do the right thing. I bet you told him over and over that this would harm your reltionship and he did not take you serious and just carried on. I would carry on by yourself, you have been doing just that for a lot longer than a year.

Grumpelstilskin · 12/07/2019 22:21

*relationship

Jamiefraserskilt · 12/07/2019 22:26

if you cant forget the hurt, disappointment and frustration and can see a future without him, then no, don't go back. He was an arse when you needed him most.

Idontwanttotalk · 12/07/2019 22:31

You just need to tell him he's too late. You can't help how you feel. He had his chance and blew it.

Original poster
Kingsheathh · 13/07/2019 08:58

bet you told him over and over that this would harm your reltionship and he did not take you serious and just carried on

Yes, we argued about the same things all the time, but he never listened to me.

OP posts:
thetimekeeper · 13/07/2019 11:47

He had ten years of chances to change, to respect you, to listen to you, to be an equal partner and he blew every last one of them.

What he is asking for now is not a second chance, he already had that and blew it. What he's actually asking for is closer to a 3,650th chance - he had the freedom to make better choices in his behaviour towards you every day for 10 years. He didn't. I think that's more than enough chances already.

It is easy to pretend to be perfect for a little while to get what you want. He already demonstrated that over the long term that is not him. The consequences of the choices he made consistently and repeatedly for a decade are his to carry, it's not your fault if he doesn't like that you (very reasonably) had enough of it.

You don't have to enter into or stay in a relationship with someone that makes you unhappy just because that person asked you nicely and/or is currently behaving nicely.

I think you are right to observe that it would be in your best interests to move on. The fact that you felt so positive about the future without him, but feel (and sound) so low about the prospect of him back says enough.

You are allowed to do what is right for you, and it sounds like moving on without him is what would be right for you.

highheelsandbobblehats · 13/07/2019 11:50

Basically everything @thetimekeeper so eloquently said.

likeafishneedsabike · 13/07/2019 19:41

I could kind of understand if he’d been a lazy dickhead for, say, a year. But ten years? No way. It’s unsalvageable and your post addresses that.

Mum2022 · 11/01/2022 09:27

Hi I'm looking for some advice. I've been in a relationship for 23 years married for 6 off them. We have 6 children together. Problem is he was very lazy in the beginning did nothing to help, with the kids house work extra I did it all. He didn't even show me any love and affection. Now things have changed, he still doesn't do much or any house work, sits on his ass most off the day watching his phone or playing games. But now that I am the one showing less affection, (but I got used to not having it from him) he says he loves me more than anything and it's like he has falling in love with me all over again. And complains that I dont show him love and affection or give him any attention. I felt like that for years. I love him but I think the lack of it in the beginning has changed me. And our biggest problem is he expects me to be like I was in the beginning of the relationship in the the bed room. He is so obsessed with sex, he say that all relationships that have lasted as long as our people still have fun in the bed room but his idea off fun is tieing me up and doing what ever he wants. And constantly asking for BJs we are just not sexually compatible basically. All our arguments are sex based but I am always the one to blame because I've lost interest in that way. I give him sex regularly but he still ain't happy with that and if I dont he spits his dummy and won't talk to me for days. I just dont know what to do I love him but but can't cope with his constant demands on how sex should be for us. Please someone help me figure this out

FlasherMcGruff · 11/01/2022 09:48

He had ten years of you being clearly unhappy where he didn’t change. It was only when losing you made his life worse that he realised what he had and decided to change. Unfortunately, that doesn’t undo those ten years of utter selfishness and him failing to consider your needs, nor does if erase your memory of the entire year you had feeling free without him. Sadly for him, it’s too little too late. You can’t keep being unhappy in round two of this relationship as well.

ElectraBlue · 11/01/2022 09:49

Trust your instincts. It sounds like you are done with this relationship.

He probably is on trying to change to get you back anyway and will revert to his old ways once he gets comfortable if you let him back in...

He had 10 years to try to be a decent partner...time for you to move on.

Babdoc · 11/01/2022 09:52

OP, he is doing and saying whatever he thinks it will take to get his feet back under your table. Then he will revert to type.
Don’t fall for it. Leopards do not change their spots.

Chloemol · 11/01/2022 09:54

@Mum2022

You need to set up your own p8st, not derail this one by asking for help

Subulter · 11/01/2022 09:59

You gave him ten years' worth of chances. It's clearly far too late for you, and I don't think you need to feel in any way bad about that -- you owe it to yourself to focus on your own happiness as an entirely separate priority to developing am amicable co-parenting relationship.

I have also seen a lazy gamer ex-colleague beg his wife (from whom he was separated at his instigation for upwards of a year) to take him back, and I think that a significant element in his wish to return was simply what a grind he found parenting solo in the 50% of the time their children were with him. He'd been a very passive partner in parenting when they were together.

(She, I think rightly, said no, and looks like a new woman -- single by choice and enjoying an active social life, hobbies etc).

TheFlis12345 · 11/01/2022 10:01

This is a zombie thread!

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 11/01/2022 10:40

Hi all,
This is a zombie thread, looks like it has been revived by accident. @Mum2022 do feel free to start a thread, perhaps on the Relationships board, where we hope you will find support.
In the meantime we are closing this thread down rather than waste anyone's time answering a 2 year old post.

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