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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want my SIL to be like this?

61 replies

jonesyyy · 12/07/2019 17:01

Must mention my SIL is young in comparison to myself, she is 15 years old. I get on with her well despite the age difference, but she does things that really get on my nerves:

  • Often disturbs my baby DS by picking him up when he's sleeping, despite me telling her to leave him be no matter how many times.
  • Helps herself to food and drink at my house without asking beforehand.
  • Brings her pyjamas when she comes over so that she can go to sleep (in our bed!). Again without asking.
  • Asks for lifts 24/7 when we don't live anywhere near, knowing that we would have to go out of our way.
  • Says she's going to the toilet, but when I go upstairs to see if she's okay when she's been up there a while I find her rooting through my make up using it without asking me first.

What can I do!? She doesn't listen to anybody and thinks she can do what she wants. It's driving me up the wall.

OP posts:
WhatsInAName19 · 12/07/2019 17:34

Without knowing more about her personality and the dynamics/culture within the family it's impossible to really make a judgement. I mean, it kind of sounds cute to me. She sounds like quite a young 15 (which I think is a good thing because kids grow up way too quick these days), she's obviously very comfortable around you and her brother which I think is lovely, and she wants to spend time with you. As a PP says, it sounds like she sees you as a big sister. It's probably possible to enforce boundaries without jeopardising your relationship with her or MIL but you're not going to achieve that by banning her from the house. Can't you channel her "enthusiasm"? E.g. organise dedicated sleepovers every so often where you invite her to stay over and do each other's makeup etc? A bit of carrot/stick approach. So you can say "now isn't a convenient time for you to stay over, SIL, but I'm really looking forward to next Saturday when we have a proper sleepover planned" or "SIL, don't go through my makeup without me please. When you come for our sleepover we'll look through it together and choose some bits to practice with".

Teddybear45 · 12/07/2019 17:35

Lock your room and if she asks you to open it say no. She probably only comes to use your things and will stop coming if you remain firm.

SavingSpaces2019 · 12/07/2019 17:35

Well she keeps doing it because you all are pussyfooting around her and enabling her by not giving her a very blunt talking to.
I've very little patience for people who do this and i would have already confronted her and shouted/yelled and pulled her up on it.
Stop being nice to her about it.

endofthelinefinally · 12/07/2019 17:36

Locks on doors. Going into somebody's room and rooting through their things is completely unacceptable.
Not sure what to advise about picking up the baby - maybe speak to her mother about that.
She is inconsiderate and has no manners. My DD would never have behaved like that at 15.

diddl · 12/07/2019 17:43

I would say that the first time she doesn't listen-tell her to leave.

If MIL is there also & has to leave with her, too bad.

If MIL has to be contacted to fetch her, again too bad.

How does she end up taking herself to bed when you don't want her to stay?

Again-turf her out, send her home.

You have a say in what happens in your house!

MrsGrammaticus · 12/07/2019 17:45

Errr, yes, she is a teenager.

Rachelover40 · 12/07/2019 17:47

It's a bit of a liberty bringing her pyjamas to change into and sleeping in your bed, as well as going through your stuff. Why don't you say something to her?

The pyjamas and your bed business is seriously weird, she's not a little child.

SoupDragon · 12/07/2019 17:47

She wants to sleep in the same bed as her brother?? Really?

DennisMailerWasHere · 12/07/2019 17:50

This isn't normal 15 year old behaviour.

It sounds like she has no sense of appropriate boundaries, because no one's ever enforced them.

Waking a sleeping baby? Most mothers would go apeshit at that alone, nevermind the other stuff.

You need to communicate what isn't acceptable, then ban her until she sorts herself out, it's simple. What's not so simple is that you and your DH need to be on the same page.

You need to get him to agree how this should be managed, then do it together.

Fuck trying to get mil on side though, it's not her house and she's clearly not capable of pulling up her own daughter on her bad behaviour.

Get your DH to work with you in this, and ban her until she matures.

DennisMailerWasHere · 12/07/2019 17:52

Forgot to add.. I'd be really creeped out/uncomfortable at someone going through my stuff/going into my private bedroom... That's a safe place for personal items (prescriptions, sex toys, bad novels Grin)!!! Not a public room!!!

Rachelover40 · 12/07/2019 17:54

Me again. She is NOT a typical 15 year old, I've known no one of that age who behaves as she does in someone else's home, even family. They may take liberties with parents but not with other relatives. She isn't a child, she'll soon be a woman! Her behaviour is quite weird actually, I mean who takes night clothes to someone else's house to change into and then dive into their bed? Seriously weird.

Tell her! You shouldn't have to put up with this.

DramaRamaLlama · 12/07/2019 17:58

This absolutely is normal 15 year old behaviour with close family. She's obviously very comfortable in your house and presumably see's it as an extension of her own.

Every teen girl I've known, including the one I was had hopeless boundaries around personal belongings of parents/siblings. It's annoying but take it as a positive that she loves you and is comfortable with you.

Mitzimaybe · 12/07/2019 18:02

Have you posted about this previously? I'm getting a strong sense of deja vu like I've read it before.

AuntyMarysBigRedPants · 12/07/2019 18:02

Say something, who cares if she has a hissy fit
Tell your MIL not to bring her round

Kidworries · 12/07/2019 18:12

How long have you known her? Since she was little? She's very comfortable and i would be happy about this! Maybe ask her to be a bit more considerate but she's obviously sees you as a big sister. Just reinforce not waking sleeping baby

Ohyesiam · 12/07/2019 18:16

She's a typical 15 year old girl.
I have a 15 year old girl, and let me tell you she is not like this at all. All her friends hang out at ours, and none of them are anything like that either.
Her mother and your husband need to impose sanctions. Phone and cash are often pivotal to teens, so start there.

MindyStClair · 12/07/2019 18:18

I'm not surprised she's comfortable at her big brother's house, but she shouldn't be rooting through your stuff. I'd say this is one for your husband to deal with, to let her know that she can't do that.

Personally I wouldn't be bothered about her having a nap or eating your food, but if those things really bother you he can speak to her about that too.

TigerLilyMasie · 12/07/2019 18:18

Seriously, you have to tell her all the things you want her to stop doing and make it clear that you don't want her visiting if she doesn't pay attention and stop!

Sexnotgender · 12/07/2019 18:20

She's a typical 15 year old girl.
Absolutely not! I’ve got a 15 year old daughter and she would never act like this, it’s dreadful behaviour.

percheron67 · 12/07/2019 18:27

Put a lock on your bedroom door and, possibly, kitchen cupboards.

Mix56 · 12/07/2019 18:36

Just tell her,
You have had enough, she cannot pick up your baby when its asleep & she is not entiteld to steal food & make up. If it happens again it will be the last time, because she will not set foot in the house; & mean it

Peakypolly · 12/07/2019 18:39

When my little sister comes round she helps herself to food and drinks, uses my hair products, make up, straighteners, etc, and borrows my clothes. She even had a nap in my bed on the morning of my wedding!It's nice she feels so comfortable in your home.

Must say I behaved like this with my DS’s (who are 10 and 12 years older than me) at 15, must have driven them bonkers. Even now, I feel much more ‘at home’ in their houses than in anyone else’s.
I only wish my DSIL was an adoring teen rather than a bitter woman who hates me.

If it is a problem, tell her, but I would put up with her loving you.

Aridane · 12/07/2019 18:41

She's family! I would be disappointed if family felt they couldn't just help,themselves to,food & drink in my home!

Aridane · 12/07/2019 18:42

And, yes, a particular family member routes through my clothes and toiletries - it's a standing joke!

QueenBeee · 12/07/2019 18:45

I would say the waking baby is her demonstrating her authority in the family and your insignificance.

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