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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the Nursery should help him learn to behave in a group?

50 replies

EastEndQueen · 12/07/2019 12:57

Feeling a little sad and panicky so please be gentle.

My DS1 is 2 years and 9 months and just started doing two mornings a week at a small private Montessori pre-school/ nursery with a view to starting full days in September. Up till now he has been at home with a wonderful nanny who has taken him to lots of groups/ play dates etc. But we thought as he was coming up for 3 it would be time to get used to the extra stimulation/ getting used to being in a group.

I have just returned to work after maternity leave and the plan is that his nanny will care for DS2 (4 months) full time plus DS1 when not at nursery. He had two trial mornings last week which went well. So far so good.

Today (4th morning ever at nursery) his nanny just rang me at work to say that they were cross when she picked him up and said he had thrown a few toys (obviously not ok and I would expect him to be told off/ given time out for this as he would at home) and that they couldn’t have that behaviour as the Montessori system as they use real glass etc and he could hurt someone. They said if he is like this then they will have to take his place away as he is not ready for Montessori.

I don’t know is IABU but surely it’s slightly their job to help him get used to group settings/ moderating his behaviour etc and it’s far too early just to give up on him?

I suppose I’m also stressed because he does have difficulty following the group activities at things like Gymboree/ art class and in the back of my mind I am worried about ADHD etc. He always wants to be doing his own thing! But I thought the best thing would be to get him settled into a group setting and then see if it got better with time.

What does everyone think? I know obviously his nanny can care for two of them at once, but it’s more just the instant rejection of him in a group setting that makes me sad and worry that something is wrong with him.

Incidentally I didn’t choose the nursery because of any overriding obsession with Montessori, it was just nearby, friendly and had space.

OP posts:
iano · 12/07/2019 13:11

Have you spoken to the nursery. Nanny will get more pay if she as them both.... has she made this up to get you to remove him. Just a thought?

NannyR · 12/07/2019 13:14

Nannies pay isn't linked to the number of children they look after, they get paid a set rate whether they look after one, two, three or more.

herculepoirot2 · 12/07/2019 13:17

Ideally, yes, they will take steps to help him get used to a group setting. You need to speak to them directly, rather than through the nanny. The bottom line is, I think they can refuse your business. Unfortunately.

WheresTheEvidence · 12/07/2019 13:17

Piano what a stupid thing to say. Why would the nanny lie? And No she wont get paid more money.

Op yes it is the nursery job to help support his transition. Mo tessori can be hard I have worked at a Montessori nursery for a brief period and it's a very particular way of doing things so it will take time for him to learn or tou find that hes better suited in a different type of nursery. I am a bit wary about why you chose that nursery when you say he has problems sitting and focusing- who doeant hes 2! But montessori is very quiet, lots of sitting being self aware etc suits hard on even a quieter toddler so jo wonder hes struggling. Chat to the nursery and see what support1 they will give him to settle

SlowMoFuckingToes · 12/07/2019 13:19

Montessori really doesn't suit some kids. It's wasn't the right fit for DS and I wish I hadn't left him there as long as I had. Honestly, I start looking for a new nursery. If they are already saying he may not keep his place it's not the right fit.

Thesearmsofmine · 12/07/2019 13:19

2 is very little and at this age they do sometimes throw or drop things, often it isn’t even to be naughty, they are experimenting and learning. I would be amazed if the nursery haven’t seen it before and staff should be able to deal with the behaviour.

If I were you I would speak to the nursery myself and ask what they are doing to encourage him to not do these in things while he is in their care.

Tartsamazeballs · 12/07/2019 13:23

Half and half. Yes they need to support him but if you've tried and he's not ready to behave in the manner needed perhaps it would be kinder to all involved to approach a different setting. When I looked for my child I went to about 6 or 7 preschools and some were more free range with lots of movement and free range behaviour, some were more sedate and structured (Montessori ones definitely were in the latter category). We went for one in the middle of the road.

melissasummerfield · 12/07/2019 13:25

Real glass in a nursery Shock I would be a nervous wreck, my 4 and 5 yo don’t drink out of real glasses yet.

Original poster
EastEndQueen · 12/07/2019 13:25

Iano- absolutely not. As others have said pay is per family not per child for nannies (certainly up to two children, I have heard of nannies getting slightly more with large families) and far far more importantly our nanny is professional and brilliant - which is why I am back at work at 4 months post baby in order to be able to afford to keep her!

Obviously I will be speaking to the nursery directly.

Thank you to those who have replied so far - it may well not the the best fit, but as I said, 4 mornings in seems so early to call. I used to work in a Montessori nursery in And admin capacity years ago and from what I observed there was space within the ‘children’s house’ model for children to wander around pursuing their interests and focuses so I hoped it would be a good way in.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 12/07/2019 13:28

He's 2, which is basically too early to be aware of group dynamics and sharing and so on. If they aren't willing to have him as he is, I wouldn't be willing to send him as he is.

IncrediblySadToo · 12/07/2019 13:34

A nanny’s pay is between the nanny & the ostent(s) there’s no set formula

How nasty to suggest the nanny is making this up when according to the OP she’s lovely - why would you even think that?

OP I think at 3 a couple of mornings a week at nursery is a good thing for social development (esp making friends independently) & getting to understand how things work in a group - learning about ‘rules’ and ‘how to ask for help’ ’asking to go to
The toilet’ & all of that. So I think you e fine the right thing putting him in nursery a couple of mornings a week

Personally I wouldn’t have him in all day, every day from Sept as I think that routine starts too early in the IK at school at 4 anyway I preferred one whole day and one/two mornings

Montessori is fabulous for some kids But not great for others.

I think them
Threatening to ‘exclude’ him
Is a tad extreme 🙄🙄 as you say, you wouldn’t expect t him to throw the toys neither would I but he cannot be the only (still) 2 yo that’s thrown a toy there?!

Maybe ring them and see what they’ve done before it got to the point of threatening to exclude him - you should have been made aware it was an issue on previous days (all 3 of them 🙄 their tolerance for behaviour change seems very short)

I’m sure other nurseries won’t tolerate toy throwing either, but I’d expect them to have the skills to deal with it, not ‘exclude’ a 2 yo for pretty normal 2 yo behaviour!

Dizzynic101 · 12/07/2019 13:34

It's nothing like that in the UK. Children misbehave, specially at the age of 2. They are only just beginning to learn, they have to learn how to behave in social situations, this will not happen overnight. It takes more than parent's to shape their child's behaviour. I would not expect my 2 year old to behave and act a certain way at this age, specially in a new setting. It takes years for a child to learn how to interact in a socially acceptable way. Change nursery, you need something that suits your child better. It is there job to teach them, in a toddler friendly way. Also the nursery should be catering to the needs of your child! Not your child catering to their needs! As for the glass in nursery! How ridiculous.

Teddybear45 · 12/07/2019 13:36

Most Montessouri nurseries have kids from a few months old . It’s very possible your 2 yo is the only child there that started nursery so late and so while the other kids have been socialised in terms of how to behave it’s all new to yours. If he’s also bigger compared to the others then it’s possible they have a real point about being concerned.

But he could have that problem in every nursery not just this one. Suggest you find a nanny who teaches him how to behave appropriately at meal times (using proper cutlery including glass) and takes him to group activities outside nursery to get him used to other kids.

Juells · 12/07/2019 13:37

Why would anyone use glass with small children?

Teddybear45 · 12/07/2019 13:38

It’s to teach them how to interact with real cutlery usually. All the outstanding nurseries in my area do this and by 2-3 kids are able to use proper knives and forks, hold glasses, and carry their plates to the kitchen without dropping.

Lllot5 · 12/07/2019 13:41

News flash two year old chucks stuff about!
Clearly he should be told not to but ‘excluding’ him is daft.
I find somewhere else you decide what is good enough for your son not the other way about

AProblemHasOccured · 12/07/2019 13:43

I work in a nursery. Honestly I think the nursery staff are being very dismissive here. He's 2. He's only been there for four sessions. Yes, it's part of nursery's job to help him settle in and learn how to play and interact appropriately in a group setting. They should not getting angry with parents/carers they should be working with them to put strategies in place to help your son learn these things. I'm actually appalled to be honest how they seem to just be writing him off as a troublemaker Hmm

bloodywhitecat · 12/07/2019 13:45

I think this says more about the nursery setting than it does about your child. He's 2 for goodness sake, he really doesn't have the life experience to realise that glass breaks if you throw it and that it might cause an injury to someone if it hits them. They should be working with him to show him the right way to behave not threatening to exclude him.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 12/07/2019 13:45

It may not be the right fit for him, or he just may not be ready, or both. Is he three after August? If so that's very beneficial for him, he has more time to 'cook' so to speak, as he will be almost 5 by the time he starts in reception.

So I wouldn't stress too much about having him be in a school type setting, kids should just be having fun and learning from interacting with the world.

Give him another year, have him stay with his nanny, I'm sure he'll benefit loads more that way Smile

AProblemHasOccured · 12/07/2019 13:46

Oh and YNBU at all.

Aprillygirl · 12/07/2019 13:48

They were cross at a 2 year old because he threw a couple of toys? I'm sorry but if a nursery cannot cope with what I see as a quite minor misbehaviour I would take him out and enrol him in a more child friendly nursery. As for you worrying about your DS having ADHD, for goodness sake he's a tiny kid not a robot Hmm

Coyoacan · 12/07/2019 13:51

I don't think the problem is with the Montessori system, but with the people involved. I think you have to talk directly to the school, but if that is really the attitude, find a better nursery.

My dd went to Montessori and there was such a high staff-child ratio, they could have dealt gently with that perfectly normal behaviour, no problem.

foreverhanging · 12/07/2019 13:53

Hmm. Not the point of the thread but definitely making sure dd is not at a Montessori school... she is a thrower...

Pineapplefish · 12/07/2019 13:54

I'm shocked that this was the nursery's reaction to a 2yo throwing toys. It would make me feel that this wasn't the right setting for him. I'd be looking at other local options.

Rosiesandposies1 · 12/07/2019 13:59

I believe the nursery was giving a very big hint that they felt he was not suitable for their educational setting. I would not feel comfortable leaving my child somewhere, that he wasn’t really wanted. Sorry.

As for glasses, cutlery etc. Both mine were using a knife and fork correctly by two, and could carry their plate to the kitchen. But I would not in my wildest dreams have used glass- imagine a child tripping and falling into glass. I’d never forgive myself if something happened- granted we had 2 large breed dogs, so that could increase the risk of it happening, over a dog free environment. But still.