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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend's annoying communication style

40 replies

1n3l · 12/07/2019 09:18

I just want to rant. Rather light-hearted. Do not take it too seriously, it’s not like I have a big problem or I hate my boyfriend. It’s just a weird habit of him and I’m getting so annoyed with it sometimes. I mean, he just repeats my stories, thoughts, viewpoints with his own words and additional examples all the time. Have you encountered such behaviour? I’m wondering why would a person behave this way. I do not have a question exactly, just a rant about someone’s weird behaviour. Weird to me, to be precise. I guess we just have so different communication styles. Some days it’s funny, some days I get so annoyed. Usually I just ignore it somehow or just go with the flow, but today I feel annoyed again.

For example, we discuss some general topic. I explain my view or opinion and make a point. He does not acknowledge my point, just starts talking and gets to the same point like he just figured it out, not even acknowledging that my point was exactly the same. If someone tells me something and I think the same way as them, I just say “yeah, exactly” or say “yeah, exactly, and.. (adding some additional examples)”. Or when I’m excited and start talking without acknowledgment and realise during talking that I have the same point of view then I end my sentence with “oh, well, yeah, it’s exactly what you said”. Basically – I acknowledge that the other person had the exact same view, point. He does not do that most of the time.

An example – we discuss an exam/test situation where you need a certain number of right answers to get passed. He says “it would be good idea to let people answer questions in a row and when the number of wrong answers is full then the test would close and you do not have to bother anymore with the test instead of letting the person see the entire test and puzzle with it all and then discover that too many wrong answers were given”. I say “Yeah, it’s a good point, it would save up time. However, thinking about it, it could give a false result because at first people tend to be nervous and/or their brain is somehow locked, so it is a good idea they get a chance to see the entire test all the time so when they loosen up they get the chance to review their first answers”. He then tells “when I usually do the tests then I start answering the questions but only in the middle somewhere I feel like a door in my brain opens up and new information starts to flow in and then I discover that the first answers could be wrong or they are easier to answer”. Saying it with a tone/behaviour like he never heard my point. If I would be in his position I would say like “Yeah, ok, good point, I know what you mean, when I do the test…”. The thing is, he does not show one single clue that he acknowledges my point. When I told him “yeah, exactly what I meant”, he does not react to it, not even with a “mhmh, yeah”.

Or when I tell him something funny or interesting or anything, he cannot just laugh or say “yeah, it was funny/interesting” or similar. He basically takes the story and starts talking the same story in other words or giving a lot of other examples relating to the story. For example, it would go like this: I say “OMG, I just read a very surprising forum thread. You want to read it?” (it was a long story and full of interesting details; but it would go the same way if I told him the story). Then he reads it. It was about a mother writing how her daughter and daughter’s DP wrote a letter to the mother (who they lived with) asking her to sell the house and buy a smaller one so they could share the money and they could also buy a house to themselves, detailing all costs and profit and steps to take and potential houses listed etc. A really weird surprising situation.

Anyway, so he reads it and instead of just saying “wow, it certainly is a weird situation”. Or saying anything new, like how would he react if he would be the mother or thinking why would someone do something like this. Instead, he goes like “wow. So it’s like imagine your friend would do this it would be very disturbing, or hey imagine your sister writing a letter to your mother saying I want you to sell your house, jesus, it’s like we would go surfing in the internet and found two houses one for ourselves and other one for my mother and then we would write a letter saying how we found some houses and they should really sell their house and then we could share the profit and we would buy a house to ourselves and they would move to the other one”. I’m thinking like.. yeah.. that is exactly what the person was writing.. why do we have to repeat it in several other ways, we both get the point..

OP posts:
Gamechange · 12/07/2019 09:21

I think its how he understands the world by relating it to his own view and situation. I do it too.

RitmoRatmo · 12/07/2019 09:23

This is one of the most mind-bendingly confusing threads I’ve ever tried to decipher! Grin

echt · 12/07/2019 09:25

I've worked with someone like this.

Personally I'd bin him off for being a bore, but you need to think how long you'd like to put up with this.

He will not stop. He's not being unpleasant, he just can't stop himself.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 12/07/2019 09:28

Sounds like you have very different communication styles, and his way would piss me off too (but I don't understand the bit at the end about the house thread).

Can you put up with it? Can you talk to him about it?

Jemima232 · 12/07/2019 09:28

You say this is a light-hearted rant but it sounds like he does your head in.

Sockworkshop · 12/07/2019 09:30

Only his opinion matters .
Colleague at work (male) is like this and will repeat what you have just told him like its his idea.
Also forgets and recycles stories as his own.
Me -Omg Ive just seen a pink kangaroo
Later that day.
Him to me Omg a friend of mine saw a pink kangaroo Hmm

billy1966 · 12/07/2019 09:33

That is irritating and tedious.

HelloyouKant · 12/07/2019 09:37

sorry, I would have to murder him in cold blood 😂😂😂

louise5754 · 12/07/2019 09:38

Sounds tiring

1n3l · 12/07/2019 11:22

@RitmoRatmo haha, I actually know what you mean, because after thinking about it and writing it out I feel like my mind is blowing also because I've never actually thought about someone else's behaviour in such a detail. I actually feel like a crazy person right now, but I can't stop myself, I just keep thinking and thinking about the situations.

Anyway, usually I take it lightheartedly, but thinking more and more about it I understand that today I'm actually extremely annoyed, hence the feeling of the post I guess. And I must admit I get more and more annoyed by it. It gets tiring indeed. I guess I'm hoping to see other views on the matter so I would get a broader view and it would be easier to understand and accept it. And perhaps if there are other people like my boyfriend out there, they could tell me how to behave if I get annoyed or.. I do not know.

@theunrivalledjoysofparenting the house thread was an example how someone wrote a lot of details and he then repeated all the details (without the need, because we both know the details, let's just discuss our opinions, instead of repeating the same story with other people in it).

It is difficult to explain. Basically to me it seems like he takes the story or incident and then talks about it using all the little details like it is something that he figured out, like it is his story, like he forget that I also read/told him the story and know all the details.

I get that sometimes it is like a process of analysing information - when you talk it out loud you get the point and get full understanding of the story/situation. But it then usually is followed by an acknowledgment or a statement "yeah I get what you mean" or some additional information like examples, opinions, own views, judgments. But he lacks the acknowledgment part and additional information part rather often. So it is rather weird to me. Like the story would have no value if he did not tell it out loud himself. And then comes the other part - if I share my opinion, view etc, then he tells something similar while he could just agree with me or at least react in a way that I see that he heard me and understands me.

He also talks a lot! Usually I really like it about him, because he has much knowledge and has a great memory so whatever he reads or sees he can describe it in detail. And in many cases it is interesting. He likes to share his knowledge.

Perhaps he is having trouble separating these two things - sharing knowledge and reacting to someone else's story. Like, perhaps his brain sees someone else's story as a new information that he now must share? Ok, I'm getting overanalytical now Hmm

OP posts:
ambereeree · 12/07/2019 11:31

How old is your boyfriend- I'm guessing under 35? It will get worse with age. He's a bore and soon he will be a boring old fart. I hope that helps you OP?

1n3l · 12/07/2019 11:31

Oh, and now I cannot stop myself anymore. All these thought come rushing in my mind. He also hates when he is interupted. And for him, interruption is even when he has finished his sentence/thought and then is like 10-15 seconds silently and I start to talk because to me it seems he finished his point and was silent for a long time. in many occasions he has said that he has not finished, he just needed a breathing moment or he just collected his thoughts. At the same time, when I talk, then often the second I finish he starts talking. He does not interrupt me when I am talking, but he does not allow ten seconds silence before he starts talking, oftentimes he doesn't allow even two seconds of silence. And sometimes I just wanted a second to start another sentence. He also talks when he clearly sees I'm reading an article or I'm writing an email, although I have told him several times that I cannot concentrate on him when I read or write. Like we discuss how far moon is from earth, neither knows the answer, I say "I'll look it up on Google" and start doing it and he keeps talking about other stuff while I search the answers. Like wtf, let me find the answer and then this topic is finished and I can concentrate on other topics.

OP posts:
1n3l · 12/07/2019 11:32

@ambereereehe he is 31. You scared me, actually. But I guess you have a point, I must consider it.

OP posts:
timeforakinderworld · 12/07/2019 11:35

He sounds like one of those men who pass off female colleagues' ideas as his own in meetings! Does he do it with everyone? Have you picked him up on it? I don't think it's a minor thing actually . It would be a deal breaker for me!

Amibeingdaft81 · 12/07/2019 11:37

OP
You have gone to a lot of effort outlining how annoying your boyfriend is

You’re not that in to him!! Simple as that

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 12/07/2019 11:38

@HelloyouKant has the answer. Its the only way.

squishee · 12/07/2019 11:40

Isn't all that wordiness you've written just code for "he's a bellend"?

ambereeree · 12/07/2019 11:41

I'm annoyed just reading about him. I would show him this thread and see if he realize it's about him. But my money is on him explaining and dissecting it all for you.

Butterymuffin · 12/07/2019 11:42

He sounds like he doesn't have much respect for or interest in your knowledge, understanding or point of view. And you are trying really hard to find excuses for him doing this, but it's basically that. Does he have other absolutely brilliant qualities that make up for this in a big way? Do you want to live your life being dismissed like this?

Amibeingdaft81 · 12/07/2019 11:50

I wonder whether your boyfriend finds your waffley going-around-the-house approach to communication annoying?!

EileenAlanna · 12/07/2019 11:55

You're being phased out of your own life & being trained to sit worshipfully at the feet of the omniscient one. I can't see it getting any better so probably time to call it a day. He can be an interesting friend for you if that's what you both can live with but a "romantic" relationship doesn't seem a good idea.

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 12/07/2019 12:18

My manager does exactly the same thing!!! Sometimes a split second after you (as you're still finishing your sentence) so as to look like she said it first. It is annoying!

TanyaChix · 12/07/2019 13:56

Well...talking to each other is kind of central to a relationship so if he drives you insane during everyday conversations then it’s going to be an issue that doesn’t go away.

FelixFelicis6 · 12/07/2019 14:05

With your recent post...who the hell does he think he is with the “you must not interrupt me, I am too important” bollocks?! Sounds arrogant and controlling. Ugh.

SavingSpaces2019 · 12/07/2019 14:16

I just want to rant. Rather light-hearted. Do not take it too seriously, it’s not like I have a big problem or I hate my boyfriend
You DO have a problem - and you don't like your boyfriend because of it.

You're just making the classic mistake a lot of women make - not valuing yourself and excusing bad behaviour from a man.
Why?
Maybe if you acknowledged your own value then he wouldn't talk down to you and passive aggressively undermine and devalue you?
Why haven't you ever confronted him about his arsehole behaviour and so called 'communication' style?
What are you afraid of - being single because he won't like you standing up to him?