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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend's annoying communication style

40 replies

1n3l · 12/07/2019 09:18

I just want to rant. Rather light-hearted. Do not take it too seriously, it’s not like I have a big problem or I hate my boyfriend. It’s just a weird habit of him and I’m getting so annoyed with it sometimes. I mean, he just repeats my stories, thoughts, viewpoints with his own words and additional examples all the time. Have you encountered such behaviour? I’m wondering why would a person behave this way. I do not have a question exactly, just a rant about someone’s weird behaviour. Weird to me, to be precise. I guess we just have so different communication styles. Some days it’s funny, some days I get so annoyed. Usually I just ignore it somehow or just go with the flow, but today I feel annoyed again.

For example, we discuss some general topic. I explain my view or opinion and make a point. He does not acknowledge my point, just starts talking and gets to the same point like he just figured it out, not even acknowledging that my point was exactly the same. If someone tells me something and I think the same way as them, I just say “yeah, exactly” or say “yeah, exactly, and.. (adding some additional examples)”. Or when I’m excited and start talking without acknowledgment and realise during talking that I have the same point of view then I end my sentence with “oh, well, yeah, it’s exactly what you said”. Basically – I acknowledge that the other person had the exact same view, point. He does not do that most of the time.

An example – we discuss an exam/test situation where you need a certain number of right answers to get passed. He says “it would be good idea to let people answer questions in a row and when the number of wrong answers is full then the test would close and you do not have to bother anymore with the test instead of letting the person see the entire test and puzzle with it all and then discover that too many wrong answers were given”. I say “Yeah, it’s a good point, it would save up time. However, thinking about it, it could give a false result because at first people tend to be nervous and/or their brain is somehow locked, so it is a good idea they get a chance to see the entire test all the time so when they loosen up they get the chance to review their first answers”. He then tells “when I usually do the tests then I start answering the questions but only in the middle somewhere I feel like a door in my brain opens up and new information starts to flow in and then I discover that the first answers could be wrong or they are easier to answer”. Saying it with a tone/behaviour like he never heard my point. If I would be in his position I would say like “Yeah, ok, good point, I know what you mean, when I do the test…”. The thing is, he does not show one single clue that he acknowledges my point. When I told him “yeah, exactly what I meant”, he does not react to it, not even with a “mhmh, yeah”.

Or when I tell him something funny or interesting or anything, he cannot just laugh or say “yeah, it was funny/interesting” or similar. He basically takes the story and starts talking the same story in other words or giving a lot of other examples relating to the story. For example, it would go like this: I say “OMG, I just read a very surprising forum thread. You want to read it?” (it was a long story and full of interesting details; but it would go the same way if I told him the story). Then he reads it. It was about a mother writing how her daughter and daughter’s DP wrote a letter to the mother (who they lived with) asking her to sell the house and buy a smaller one so they could share the money and they could also buy a house to themselves, detailing all costs and profit and steps to take and potential houses listed etc. A really weird surprising situation.

Anyway, so he reads it and instead of just saying “wow, it certainly is a weird situation”. Or saying anything new, like how would he react if he would be the mother or thinking why would someone do something like this. Instead, he goes like “wow. So it’s like imagine your friend would do this it would be very disturbing, or hey imagine your sister writing a letter to your mother saying I want you to sell your house, jesus, it’s like we would go surfing in the internet and found two houses one for ourselves and other one for my mother and then we would write a letter saying how we found some houses and they should really sell their house and then we could share the profit and we would buy a house to ourselves and they would move to the other one”. I’m thinking like.. yeah.. that is exactly what the person was writing.. why do we have to repeat it in several other ways, we both get the point..

OP posts:
billy1966 · 12/07/2019 22:27

OP, he's a twat and a bore.

The only thing that will change in the future is he'll become a bigger bore and test.

Imagine your future....years and years of listening to his long winded drivel.

You would need to be catatonic to contemplate a future with him.

Indigo2019 · 12/07/2019 22:33

I’ve never known anyone who does this. What does he do if you directly say, did you realise you said exactly what I said?

whatthehelldowecare · 12/07/2019 23:31

Sounds about as equally annoying as your unnecessarily long and rambling posts OP 🙂

Myheartbelongsto · 12/07/2019 23:37

I can't even get through the op.

QueenofPain · 12/07/2019 23:44

It sounds like he thinks he’s really bloody smart and that you’re stupid, so he needs to synthesise all the information for you and relay it back to you so you’ll understand.

I wouldn’t be able to have a relationship with this man either. It would be about a week before I was responding to all of his mansplaining with a bored “cool, thanks for explaining that”.

PaintingOwls · 12/07/2019 23:47

LTB

pinkdelight · 12/07/2019 23:48

If your verbal communication is anything like your style here, then it's fair to say you talk a lot too! It could be that he's merely repeating the salient details in an attempt to clarify what the heck you're on about!

HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces · 12/07/2019 23:48

My dh does that first thing you mention, where i will explain an idea or a way of doing things and within minutes he said it like it's his own idea. I now call him out on it and I point out really clearly that i said it first, right down to reminding him of the specific words i used. Since i started calling him out on it, he has got better and does it less. Luckily, he doesn't do the other things that your bf does.

twattymctwatterson · 13/07/2019 00:35

I imagine he's only like this with women.

Yeahnahmum · 13/07/2019 01:59

You say this is lighthearted... but then type an entire book about it! so.. i don't think you are being lighthearted. You are just super bothered about how he communicates. And fair enough : i would be too actually.

You cant break this habit though
So you either accept it and feel annoyed by it for years to come. Or you move along and find yourself someone who can argue/talk with you on the same, normal, level.

CSIblonde · 13/07/2019 02:10

He's either not very bright & to process & understand info he needs to repeat it back out loud with new examples to reinforce the processing, or, he's taking your point or story & 'explaining' it back to you : which is beyond patronising.

PapayaCoconut · 13/07/2019 02:23

He sounds like a winning combination of unintelligent and arrogant. But hey, that send like a recipe for success these days, at least for white, middle class men. He could go into politics! 😉

PapayaCoconut · 13/07/2019 02:24

*seems like. I need to start proofreading my posts...

ElizaPancakes · 13/07/2019 02:27

I was getting infuriated just reading your post.

I agree with CSIBlonde and tbh I wouldn’t be able to continue a relationship. It sounds very much like he believes he is more clever than you or just has better thoughts and ideas and thus needs to keep you in your place.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 13/07/2019 09:38

He sounds like my friend's dh - you can't tell him anything he doesn't already know.

Conversations go like this:
Person: "Have you heard about this woman, Regina Filange, she got lost in the woods and lived with wolves and then opened a cake shop in Paris."
Him:"Yes, I know all about her. She's this woman by the name of Regina Filange, she has this amazing story that really astonished me when I first heard it ages ago. She lived with a pack of wolves and now she lives in Paris and runs a cake shop."

He thinks we don't notice that he's never actually introducing any NEW information on the topic he knows all about....

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