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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School holidays, am I expecting too much of DH??

33 replies

SuzieQQQ · 12/07/2019 07:34

Two weeks of school holidays. I’ve arranged to get the first week off to look after the kids (8 and 6). Every night I’ve cooled, cleaned, out them both to bed etc. my DH asked me what wa ms for dinner tonight and I told him he could sort it out since I’ve cooked every night for two weeks. He mumbled an “okay cool”. I assumed he would cook dinner however surprise surprise 6.30 rocks around and he has nothing organised. I get very pissed off and he’s now annoyed I’m angry! Please tell me I’m not being unreasonable?! Personally I think he needs to grow the f** up and fulfill his end of the bargain. Thoughts? He does this all the time and I’m over it.

OP posts:

IkeaIsForWinners · 12/07/2019 07:36

I think you need to talk to him about it. Fair enough if you feel put upon but he's not a mind reader. If you tell him and he still doesn't do his bit, then it might be time for a more serious chat

rookiemere · 12/07/2019 07:41

I don't understand was he off work looking after DC today or you ?

DeathMetalMum · 12/07/2019 07:43

50/50 he should be pulling his weight obviously, but to drop it on him your cooking tonight isn't the best. I'd find it difficult to behink of a dinner on the spot and would possibly need to go to the supermarket. We meal plan which involves us both cooking and we organise it around each other's schedules, if either of us are working late or have a night out planned, taking dc to a party etc. It's never dropped on the other one just to sort out dinner for that evening last minute.

Original poster

SuzieQQQ · 12/07/2019 07:51

@rookiemere he was working and I was also working. Kids at holiday program today. The point I was trying to hammer home to him was that he takes zero responsibility for meals any night. I suggested to him this morning he might like to cook (since I have done every night for two weeks) and he agreed then didn’t do anything about it, so I ended up cooking again. Does that make sense?

OP posts:

Original poster

SuzieQQQ · 12/07/2019 07:54

@DeathMetalMum sorry what I meant was I asked him/suggested to him that it would be nice if he cooked tonight (since I have cooked every night for the last two weeks) so he had all day to think about what he would cook. He agreed to cook then didn’t and assumed I would. That’s what annoys me. We have this argument all the time. We both work full time yet somehow meal planning and grocery shopping always falls to me. I nag him about it. He changes for one week then is back to his normal self who never thinks about what the family will eat for dinner

OP posts:

SageMist · 12/07/2019 07:56

So tell him that from Sunday you'll be taking turns at cooking. Make you both do meal planning and that you both make sure you have all the ingredients for every meal for the week. That way you'll stop being resentful and you'll both have a chance to eat and cook what you like.

RowingMermaid · 12/07/2019 07:56

so I ended up cooking again why? Why didn't he end up cooking?

Original poster

SuzieQQQ · 12/07/2019 07:59

@RowingMermaid oh apparently he “didn’t think about it” he took ages to come home, my kids are getting antsy because they are hungry so I cooked. Either that or I endured them crying and moaning about how hungry they are. DP got home at 7pm. Then wasn’t prepared or had t planned anything to make. It really pisses me off.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 12/07/2019 08:00

Is this new? Because it is shit but if he doesn’t usually cook it will take time and far more effort than that for him to start pulling his weight.
The huffing is particularly maddening. Oh look at you off in a sulk because the woman who had children with you thought that after x years of being a parent you might’ve been across the concept of feeding them dinner at a reasonable hour.

Youngandfree · 12/07/2019 08:02

Every night I’ve cooled, cleaned, out them both to bed etc

So who normally does all of this?? Why is it different in the holidays? Why do you two not sit down ad make a plan?

timeisnotaline · 12/07/2019 08:02

You need to give him set nights. On those nights if you end up cooking for the dc he gets toast, NOT the dinner you made. At this point I’d tip my cooked dinner into the bin rather than let him eat it. And the first few weeks at least find something to do one of those nights a week so yes they might be tired and grumpy but you arent there to see it and he is. They will live, and he will learn.

Original poster

SuzieQQQ · 12/07/2019 08:04

@timeisnotaline no it’s not new! I’m just absolutely fucking sick of dealing with it. What you’ve said is exactly how I feel!!! I’m bloody over it and want to tell him to grow the f**ck up. And yes the hugging and avoidance is the worst part

OP posts:

RedSkyLastNight · 12/07/2019 08:07

Well the "rule" in our house is that is that if you are the one off work, you do the household related things, so that would include cooking. So the fact you've cooked while you were off doesn't really "count".

However, it sounds like your actual gripe is that DH never takes responsibility for shopping and meal planning and this is not restricted to school holidays?

I had a similar issue with mine. In the end I assigned him days, and told him he was responsible for meal planning and coking but I was happy to shop as no point making 2 shopping trips, but he needed to make me a list of things. Unsurprisingly he never got his act together re shopping lists ,so he now does his own shopping as well (which annoys me because it's a waste of time, but at least it makes the point).
Yes, we had a lot of him saying "what's for dinner tonight" or even "what would you like for dinner tonight" i.e. getting me to meal plan by stealth, but I just say "don't know" and revuse to engage in further conversation about it. I now have him (mostly) trained.

Original poster

SuzieQQQ · 12/07/2019 08:08

@youngandfree I normally organise dinners. I think he has assumed because I am home this week (although not today) that I’m doing everything. I work and study and never ever get a break, am never away from the kids etc. that’s why I’m annoyed.

OP posts:

Angrybird123 · 12/07/2019 08:13

No functioning adult should be 'thrown' or flustered by asking to put together a quick kids meal even at zero notice. Pasta, beans on toast, freezer food, boiled eggs, omelette, can of soup and toast. All would do and can be cooked by a ten year old. The OP asked him in the morning.. He had all day to work up the courage to tackle this momentous task and not only didn't do it, actively avoided it by coming home late and then huffed that the OP was annoyed. What a twat.

TheInvestigator · 12/07/2019 08:17

Have a rota. Sit down together and make a rota, agree to it together and put it on the fridge. Every single morning, look at the rota and if it is his turn, then tell him that it’s his turn and he must cook or the kids will be hungry. After a week, you shouldn’t need to remind him anymore.

It’s important that you make the rota together, involve him and get him to agree to it.

PinkFlamingo888 · 12/07/2019 08:25

I had this exact problem as I always cook and I was getting annoyed by it. I would do similar and suddenly decide that no I wasn’t cooking that evening and he would need to sort something last minute. What I hadn’t taken into consideration was the things that I never do. I’ve never cut the grass, never take the bins out etc etc. Maybe those jobs are easier than cooking but in all honesty I don’t want to do them and I’m a better cook anyway so now we’re both happy with ‘our jobs’. He will sort tea now about twice a month if I’m late home from work and I just have to appreciate that it’ll be a simple meal that he won’t really put much effort into

OKBobble · 12/07/2019 08:29

But there was food in because you cooked it. So you should have just said there is the food crack on !

mummmy2017 · 12/07/2019 08:37

Why don't you tell him that the cook doesn't wash up.

Fair and fair.

Nanny0gg · 12/07/2019 08:39

I do see your point, but the kids having to wait till 7 pm for him to start the meal is a bit unreasonable.

Myheartbelongsto · 12/07/2019 08:40

so 6:30 rocks up and he has nothing organised but he only got home at 7, have I read that right?

Morgan12 · 12/07/2019 08:45

Yeh these timings are confusing. He doesn't get in till 7? What time do you get in? Is he that late every night?

I think you should both sit down one night a week and meal plan for the next 7 days and decide who cooks what meal.

swingofthings · 12/07/2019 08:49

So he had a stressful day at work and forgot he was supposed to cook. Annoying but not worth ww3. It happens. Easy to cook something quick, and laugh it off, saying that he now has to cook two nights.

I don't get the extreme annoyance at something that in the scheme of things is really no big deal.

Yabbers · 12/07/2019 08:53

YANBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t pull his weight.

YABU to put up with it and not have done something about it before now.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/07/2019 08:57

to drop it on him your cooking tonight isn't the best. I'd find it difficult to behink of a dinner on the spot and would possibly need to go to the supermarket.

OP hasn’t ‘dropped it on him’ that she wants the whole kitchen remodelled by teatime - she wants him to cook a simple meal in it. You make going to the supermarket sound like a trek to the Western desert.

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