Should my dad look after my sister (34) after a big operation? I think he is being ridiculously selfish.

[Chillijamntuna]

My sister has lived abroad for many years in the French alps, she does downhill mountain biking and is very into the young exciting lifestyle.

She has been very bitter that my dad has only visited her once since she moved there in her twenties (it's quite an expensive resort) I suppose because she was the young free and single one, partying, working in bars and flat sharing, she has always popped back to the UK each year so me and my dad (Mum died) have been a bit shit and lazyI suppose (I have had money struggles and been gaining qualifications for 5 years) and she is pissed off and increasingly angry with me and mainly him about this.

Anyway, recently my dad said he'd bought a passport and was going to go and stay with her later in the summer.
Yesterday, she broke her collar bone in 3 places and will soon be going for surgery to repair it with pins and plates.

I said to my dad (thinking it would be an amazing opportunity for him to 'show up' for her) that he could bring his trip backwards and go out there to take care of her as she recovers from her operation.

He reacted SO strangely, he said "well she can't pick me up from the airport so that's £80 for starters on top of two flight to/from France in peak season" then how am I going to get from where she lives to the hospital, the hospital's in another town and what am I going to do when she gets out?" I said "err take care of her, show her that you care, make her cups of tea, help her with practical stuff" he said "well she's got loads of mates can't they just make her a cup of tea?" she doesn't really have mates that she can ask for help, they've all started having babies now and she is also very full of bravado and can't ask for help if it kills her.

I said that it wasn't really to do with money/ practical stuff/ cups of tea it was to do with showing he cares (she often feels he doesn't)

Anyway, I have just had surgery today myself, I am literally bankrupt at the moment and have a two year old but I will go out to care for her if he doesn't. He is living with his partner, in her house paying a portion of rent, has no debts/money worries, owns a property outright, is working a lot and enjoying life in the sense of buying himself things.

To be honest, I'm quite baffled at how selfish he is being. He then got all shirty and said "I'm a good dad". So odd and childish.

The backstory is pretty long so I'll spare you but he brought us up single handedly so maybe he now wants to do what he wants to do but we've never been needy and both me and my sister have always stood on our own two feet and not asked for anything as adults.

IABU to suggest that he do this?

[EllenMP]

I don't think the hospital will discharge her if she can't care for herself and doesn't have help. Leave it to your dad and sister to work things out between themselves. I think your sister will be able to manage as she will be on her feet before they discharge her and will have one arm she can use. Not easy, but she will be ok. Give her lots of love by phone and invite her to come stay with you here if she is able to travel.

[DanceItOut]

I’m torn. Obviously your sister has isolated herself a bit by moving somewhere without any family and apparently not the sort of friends who can take care of her but as a parent I can’t imagine not going to my children if they needed me. I also say this as someone who has a brother that lives abroad. If he needed me, not just wanted me but needed me I would be on a plane within 24 hours even if I had to use a credit card to do it. So I guess really what I think is that your dad should ring you sister as should you and be asking her does she NEED you. Not does she want you or would things be easier with you but does she genuinely need you? If she says yes to either or you and says that she needs you then whichever one she feels she needs should go. Family is family. I have kids and I can’t just fly to and from other countries tries when I feel like it, I haven’t been on a plane since 2006 actually but if my brother rang and said he needed me then I would drop everything and get me and my kids on the next plane I could reasonably be on.

[Letthemysterybe]

I think the idea of him going out to help is nice in theory, but in reality he would probably be more of a hindrance than a Help and if they are just hanging around her apartment he would probably get on her nerves if they aren’t that close and used to spending much time in each other’s company’s.

[BritInUS1]

YABU - he can't afford it, it's just her arm (hardly major surgery), if she needs help she should get back to the UK