Should my dad look after my sister (34) after a big operation? I think he is being ridiculously selfish.

[Chillijamntuna]

My sister has lived abroad for many years in the French alps, she does downhill mountain biking and is very into the young exciting lifestyle.

She has been very bitter that my dad has only visited her once since she moved there in her twenties (it's quite an expensive resort) I suppose because she was the young free and single one, partying, working in bars and flat sharing, she has always popped back to the UK each year so me and my dad (Mum died) have been a bit shit and lazyI suppose (I have had money struggles and been gaining qualifications for 5 years) and she is pissed off and increasingly angry with me and mainly him about this.

Anyway, recently my dad said he'd bought a passport and was going to go and stay with her later in the summer.
Yesterday, she broke her collar bone in 3 places and will soon be going for surgery to repair it with pins and plates.

I said to my dad (thinking it would be an amazing opportunity for him to 'show up' for her) that he could bring his trip backwards and go out there to take care of her as she recovers from her operation.

He reacted SO strangely, he said "well she can't pick me up from the airport so that's £80 for starters on top of two flight to/from France in peak season" then how am I going to get from where she lives to the hospital, the hospital's in another town and what am I going to do when she gets out?" I said "err take care of her, show her that you care, make her cups of tea, help her with practical stuff" he said "well she's got loads of mates can't they just make her a cup of tea?" she doesn't really have mates that she can ask for help, they've all started having babies now and she is also very full of bravado and can't ask for help if it kills her.

I said that it wasn't really to do with money/ practical stuff/ cups of tea it was to do with showing he cares (she often feels he doesn't)

Anyway, I have just had surgery today myself, I am literally bankrupt at the moment and have a two year old but I will go out to care for her if he doesn't. He is living with his partner, in her house paying a portion of rent, has no debts/money worries, owns a property outright, is working a lot and enjoying life in the sense of buying himself things.

To be honest, I'm quite baffled at how selfish he is being. He then got all shirty and said "I'm a good dad". So odd and childish.

The backstory is pretty long so I'll spare you but he brought us up single handedly so maybe he now wants to do what he wants to do but we've never been needy and both me and my sister have always stood on our own two feet and not asked for anything as adults.

IABU to suggest that he do this?

[trackingmedown]

I’m on the dad’s side in this. It’s one thing to go to France and spend a holiday with your fit, healthy, French speaking child but if your dad doesn’t speak French and doesn’t know the area well I think the visit you are proposing could be hard work and quite intimidating.

We all make choices in life. Your sister chose to move away from family and the support network it provided. There will be pros and cons to that choice and right now she is experiencing one of the cons.

It can be hard for parents when DC leave home. We have to let them go, step back and allow them their independence and build new lives that don’t revolve around them. Your dad sounds like he has made a good job of this with a new relationship, lots of work and an enjoyable life style. IMO it isn’t reasonable to expect him to drop everything at a moments notice to care for another adult hundreds of miles away.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It is time to stop trying to fix the family dynamic. It sounds as if your sister is always angry, always complaining and you’re the peacemaker.

If your sister wants something, she needs to stop complaining and start asking. All she’s doing is turning your father further away from her. So in fact her rants are having the opposite effect from the one desired.

By piling it on to your father, all you’re going to do is alienate yourself from him. The reasons off the top of my head to why he visits you, not your sister is because it’s closer / easier and no language barrier. Also, you don’t bite his head off. If you continue as you are, he will probably stop visiting you as well

As for your sister needing someone. Many posters have said she doesn’t. I had far far more invasive surgery than this and coped as I explained upthread. Moreover in France, you stay in hospital recovering longer than in the U.K. My dh is French and this is personal experience with the system.

Your father feels nervous about travelling. The best thing to do would be to save up or if he can afford to pay for you all to go and visit your sister when she’s recovered.

[EileenAlanna]

Your dsis was getting increasingly angry at lack of visits from your DF & it seems he was addressing this by arranging to visit her for quite a long stay this year so it's reasonable to say he wants to show willing.
Her problem isn't really a broken collar bone, it's being 34 in a place that's mainly for those living "the young exciting lifestyle." She'll find it increasingly difficult to get bar work the older she gets - they want young staff to fit with the young customer base. Flat shares will become increasingly problematic as she'll be viewed as being their parents generation, not theirs.
You should have a serious discussion about her long term plans & see how she would feel about relocating back to the UK, not necessarily very close to family but near enough for reasonable contact. She probably has acquired a lot of skills while abroad that would be attractive for an employer that she could make use of & is a good age for a total career change, which may not be the case further down the line.

[LillithsFamiliar]

Your update makes it sound like your DSIS wants to complain about 'family' but doesn't actually want to engage. She made the choice to move and continues to choose to live there. She doesn't visit often and puts up barriers when you try to arrange visits. I imagine she would hate it if your DF turned up and tried to play nurse. That isn't what she wants. She wants a distant family she can complain about - not an involved family that demands effort and engagement.
Apologise to your DF. You shouldn't have asked him to care for her. Let him go visit when he was supposed to.

[YesQueen]

She will be fine. I had a long recovery after an emergency limb threatening spinal surgery and my parents live 30 miles away. Neither of them came over and I managed fine alone for the op and recovery

[ColaFreezePop]

OP you are all adults. None of you can control the behaviour of the other.

So leave your dad and your sister to sort out their relationship. If either of them complain to you tell them they need to sort it out between themselves.

As a poster said up thread gently suggest to your sister that maybe she should think about what she wants to do long term in life. It is also worth reminding her that as she lives in France then she isn't having a relationship with your child. While she may not think that is important I've a closer relationship with some of my nephews than my siblings simply because I use see and then look after them from babyhood. These nephews are now adults.

[Chillijamntuna]

Thanks for understanding that it’s all very sad and complicated I appreciate your well thought out replies.
I love my sister and I love my dad. None of us have been or are perfect (far from it) but who is?
I have had loads of therapy and counselling but my dad and sister are less emotionally aware but sadly they’re both very sensitive and easily hurt people.

I should have kept my co dependence at bay and kept my hands off I always regret getting involved.

[Chillijamntuna]

Ps my dad broke up with my mum and we were left with my dad because of mum’s MH issues when I was just 2z

[Chillijamntuna]

2

[nettie434]

Was really sad reading your update Chillijamntuna. Well done on how much you have achieved. I really agree with what other posters say about how hard it is to be poor in a resort where almost everyone else is rich and where it is much harder to find bar work etc as you get older. I think that accounts for a lot of her resentment. However, it will take a lot of bravery for your sister to accept that a lifestyle that worked in her 20s may not work as she gets older.

[distantdog]

I find it a little strange that all her friends get lots of visits from their rich families. As I said, I live in the French Alps too and you have lots of different sorts of people who have 'escaped' to this way of life - some of whom will not be wealthy, will not have many connections/family bonds with the UK etc. and who live here because the way of life is so much more affordable/less pressure than the UK. I really, really don't really recognise the idea that at 34 she is getting too old to work in the service industry here Or that this is the only kind of work she could find after 10 years of being here. Maybe you find it too 'outing' to say which resort it is...?

Have you met her friends? I wonder how much of it is true and how much is her perception of others having it better/easier than her?

[Chillijamntuna]

Thanks * especially when you feel that you’ve got nothing to come back to in the UK :(

[Chillijamntuna]

I think there is definitely an element of grass is greener, I think she is quite blind to the privileges that she does have and I’m guilty of that myself at times, I think it’s a symptom of low self esteem and coming from a difficult back ground with problematic adults that you have a tendency to think that everyone else’s lives are a walk in the park.

She definitely treats me like Im the lucky one which I resent a bit because I have worked very hard and sacrificed a lot to get where I am now.

[GabriellaMontez]

Yabu to offer financial and practical assistance in his behalf. It's very easy to expect someone else to be charitable.

How can you go and care for her if you're bankrupt?

Also, there are downside of living the kind of young, adventurous lifestyle your sister is. This situation is one of them.

[Chillijamntuna]

Yes you’re right, I’ve texted my dad this morning and apologised, I had literally a few hours earlier come out of hospital myself feeling very vulnerable and sore and just couldn’t bear the thought of her experiencing that on her own.
I think the drug addled brain may have contributed to me being too forceful with my poor dad.

[snowqu33n]

Really sorry about your mother, and also for criticizing your DF up thread.
I think it’s understandable that DSis will resent your dad regularly traveling for miles to see you if he hasn’t been out to see her, and she probably does have emotional baggage from the past.
I disagree with PPs who advise to suggest to your sister that she should question whether her life out there is working for her or not. If you haven’t been out there you are not in a position to advise. She probably wouldn’t react well.
I expect she doesn’t have many contacts she is close to outside of the small world of the resort and so she “vents” on the phone to you. She doesn’t have other relatives she can talk to that way, either.
Her life is probably a mixture of ups and downs, much like yours.
Keep the lines of communication open, and visit when the time is right for you.
I take it your DF is still going out later in the summer, so maybe leave it at that and see what happens.
I expect your DSis is a bit sore after the accident and needs a shoulder to cry on. It may affect her earnings and confidence too. Some people get angry and vent when they are really feeling sad, and she may be blaming herself for the accident.

[distantdog]

OP - I understand where the advice "It is also worth reminding her that as she lives in France then she isn't having a relationship with your child" is coming from but given what you've said I think that isn't something you should say to her.

The different perspectives on which sibling had it easier, which one is "lucky" etc, is pretty common.

It's difficult. I have a bad relationship with one of my siblings because they never came to visit, but the enormous difference here is that this sibling went skiing in the French Alps every year!! And they think I'm being selfish/spoilt/sulky younger sibling for being pissed off with that and not visiting when I go back to the UK. I think your sister needs to understand why you can't (rather than can't be bothered) to visit.

To be honest, I think what your dad could do is offer to fly over and collect her from the hospital and then fly her back to the UK with him and look after there for a while. It's worth a lot more than telling her to get on a flight on her own in that position. She might well say no but he probably wouldn't be much use to her in France and it could well make things worse between them, but he could offer to bring her 'home' for some TLC and from him and visits from you and your DC and remind her that she is important to you both.

[SnuggyBuggy]

OP you can't fix the relationship between your DSis and your DF, even if you could persuade your DF to go it won't be a solution to decades of a dysfunctional relationship.

[Chillijamntuna]

True. I can’t fix it I just hate that there’s so much pain between us all that needn’t be there if we were all invested in finding peace between us.
I don’t want it to be too late before we realise how much we meant to one another.
Sometimes my sister says “I wish I could just disappear” and one of her friends killed themselves out there earlier this year so it always plays on my mind that she is a bit on the edge and we’re her only people and if we’re being shit, we could live to regret it. :(

[SnuggyBuggy]

All you can do in life is try not to be a shit person, you can't change other people. It's hard accepting that your family relationships aren't what you want them to be.

[Idontwanttotalk]

Well your dad is clearly not well-travelled if he has had to obtain a passport to see your sis later in the year. He is probably apprehensive about travelling alone in a foreign country where he has no-one to meet him.

Also, he may fear there is more involved with looking after your sis such as how she will shower, dress and undress. My friend broke her shoulder earlier this year and hasn't been able to do so many things, even now 4 months later. Maybe your dad is worried because he realises there is more personal stuff involved than making cups of tea?

[Proteinshakesandovieshat]

If there are so deep seated issues between your sister and dad, him looking after while she is ill, wi probably not help.

They dont spend time together so he wont know what sort of help she wants if any. If I am ill, my best friend knows that I want to look after myself, but always makes sure she tells me she is there if I need anything. Because we spend so much time together she knows I dont want lifting and laying but will say of cant do something.

Your dad, because she lives so far away, may not get it quite right. She will be in pain and possibly grumpy and/or emotional.

It's a bad time to start spending time together, because of the issues.

This could make the issues worse. Not better.

But to be honest, until your sister seeks help to work through the issues (probably your dad too) nothing will make things completely better.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

we’re her only people

You need to stop thinking like this. You are not her only people, she has actively chosen to move abroad and build her own friendships/family group.

My sister moved abroad for 11 years because she was running away from MH issues at home. Guess what? They followed her, because it was the actual location that was causing the issues.

Obviously, I don't know her, but I suspect your sister is similar. You say she is 'bitter' - well, that is her own issue and one that she needs to resolve. You can't help her with that. Is she receiving or has she sought any counselling or professional help?

It's not fait to expect your Dad to just get out there and help when his help hasn't been requested (and likely isn't welcome anyway).

[HorridHenrysNits]

This is... not really about the injury recuperation is it?

[Yesicancancan]

You sister moved along way from home and has managed thus far. If the friends she gets drunk with and parties with don’t help her, she needs to reevaluate her life.
There is no rule for your question. Sounds like she wanted to be a free spirit, she is.