Should my dad look after my sister (34) after a big operation? I think he is being ridiculously selfish.

[Chillijamntuna]

My sister has lived abroad for many years in the French alps, she does downhill mountain biking and is very into the young exciting lifestyle.

She has been very bitter that my dad has only visited her once since she moved there in her twenties (it's quite an expensive resort) I suppose because she was the young free and single one, partying, working in bars and flat sharing, she has always popped back to the UK each year so me and my dad (Mum died) have been a bit shit and lazyI suppose (I have had money struggles and been gaining qualifications for 5 years) and she is pissed off and increasingly angry with me and mainly him about this.

Anyway, recently my dad said he'd bought a passport and was going to go and stay with her later in the summer.
Yesterday, she broke her collar bone in 3 places and will soon be going for surgery to repair it with pins and plates.

I said to my dad (thinking it would be an amazing opportunity for him to 'show up' for her) that he could bring his trip backwards and go out there to take care of her as she recovers from her operation.

He reacted SO strangely, he said "well she can't pick me up from the airport so that's £80 for starters on top of two flight to/from France in peak season" then how am I going to get from where she lives to the hospital, the hospital's in another town and what am I going to do when she gets out?" I said "err take care of her, show her that you care, make her cups of tea, help her with practical stuff" he said "well she's got loads of mates can't they just make her a cup of tea?" she doesn't really have mates that she can ask for help, they've all started having babies now and she is also very full of bravado and can't ask for help if it kills her.

I said that it wasn't really to do with money/ practical stuff/ cups of tea it was to do with showing he cares (she often feels he doesn't)

Anyway, I have just had surgery today myself, I am literally bankrupt at the moment and have a two year old but I will go out to care for her if he doesn't. He is living with his partner, in her house paying a portion of rent, has no debts/money worries, owns a property outright, is working a lot and enjoying life in the sense of buying himself things.

To be honest, I'm quite baffled at how selfish he is being. He then got all shirty and said "I'm a good dad". So odd and childish.

The backstory is pretty long so I'll spare you but he brought us up single handedly so maybe he now wants to do what he wants to do but we've never been needy and both me and my sister have always stood on our own two feet and not asked for anything as adults.

IABU to suggest that he do this?

[XXcstatic]

Fuck me, MN is a strange place sometimes. God forbid that anyone should have the temerity to move to Foreign Parts or actually enjoy themselves - all parental bonds are automatically severed if you do, apparently

Of course, the sister (who hasn't actually asked for help, despite being slagged off as selfish by multiple posters) can manage by herself post-op. The OP isn't saying she can't. The OP is suggesting that, as their DF is going out to see her anyway, he might adjust the timing so that he can help her out. But apparently that's too much to ask because the selfish bitch deserves all she gets for moving abroad and going biking. Or something

[Halloumimuffin]

My friend broke her collarbone quite severely and didn't need any assistance - she was no more immobile than someone with a broken arm.

I think YABU. Your sister chose to go and live abroad, it is her responsibility to return home if she wants to see family, not insist everyone pays large amounts of money to come and visit her. She's an adult and should be able to look after herself, not expect her Dad to spend loads of money and massively inconvenience himself because she enjoys risky sports. Tbh it sounds like she hasn't even asked him to, you are trying to make your Dad feel like a bad parent for not doing exactly as you say.

As for your 'I'm bankrupt and I'll go' don't be such a bloody martyr.

[HorridHenrysNits]

Yabu.

[dimples76]

I would have been disappointed in my Dad if he had been so remote so I can definitely understand how you feel. I have recently had surgery on a broken ankle and I said to my Mum just come to evening visiting but when I got wheeled back to my bay from recovery it was wonderful to see her (and I'm 43!)

That said given that you have already explained to your Dad how much you think it would mean to your sister there's not much you can do.

[NannaNoodleman]

Christ on a bike! I think my family and I have hideously high expectations of one another judging by some of these replies.

Both my DSis I have/are lived/living overseas for over 20 years. We've always gone to each other's homes for operations, child births, general crises, and also holidays and birthdays, christmases ... etc!! We message and we call.

I absolutely disagree that moving far away from family means you isolate yourself and shouldn't expect visitors.

I don't think the OP's Dad should go over to care for his own daughter because the relationship hasn't been nurtured and they sound like they barely have a relationship. I feel sad for the sister. Maybe you could all start building a relationship.

[needsahouseboy]

Sorry but no think you are overestimating the amount of help she'll need. she's broken a collarbone not her legs. Plenty of people young and old cope on their own after this injury.

[mummmy2017]

Stop trying to fix a problem that you have imagined.
Wait till your sister asks you for help.
Your dad is an adult , he does not want to go, he is allowed to say no...

[Juells]

I have recently had surgery on a broken ankle and I said to my Mum just come to evening visiting but when I got wheeled back to my bay from recovery it was wonderful to see her (and I'm 43!)

But that sounds like she lives quite close.

[nettie434]

Not sure if it is the right decision to go in your situation, given that you have just had surgery and can’t afford it, Chillijamntuna. You may be right and this is a chance to improve your relationship. However, given that you said your sister is increasingly angry that you and your dad have not gone to see her, it may not improve things. She is also likely to complain about your dad which is going to put you in a difficult position. I just think that it is important you recognise that this might not work out as well as you would hope.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"She shuns the boring life of family and reliable but boring friends, but wants the perks of it??"

Sorry? When did OP say her sister had SHUNNED having family and friends?
She's single, which might not be from choice, and her friends are having babies, which is totally outside her control.

[Myheartbelongsto]

My father brought 5 of us up when we aged 8 - 17 so my vote is that he inbu as I'm sure he's made many sacrifices over the years.

Your sister knew the dangers!

You are being very hard on your father op.

[MyOpinionIsValid]

Oh for the love of God ! My DS came off his motor bike and smashed his collar bone (and wrist ) - he didnt break his legs, he could still get up walk, make teas, shower, go out etc

Your sister chose to go abroad and live. Shes in France, not outer Mongolia, she could get the ferry back if she so wished.

Frankly what wth you being literally bankrupt you'd be a bigger fool to dash over and add to your debt.

[omione]

It was her choice to go and live abroad so why should your Father but himself in financial hardship ?

[NannaNoodleman]

What distance from our families should we be allowed to move if we want to maintain a close bond?

What about moving for career progression or work opportunities? Or should we just take whatever jobs are local?

[diddl]

Would your sister want him to go over to "care" for her or rather see him as planned when they can get out & about more easily together?

You would be a fool to go over when you can't afford it.

[EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall]

I can’t imagine not going out to see how she is if she was my child

Most of our family live in Cape Town. Bloody horrible flight and used to be really expensive. Didn’t stop us going out there/them coming here to visit if needed

France is no distance at all, and it’s not like he’s not planning on going out there soon anyway

I bought my older dcs up on my own . Didn’t realise now they are adults I shouldn’t bother helping out because I’ve done my but raising them 🤷‍♀️

[Notcopingwellhere]

the sister (who hasn't actually asked for help, despite being slagged off as selfish by multiple posters) can manage by herself post-op.

The OP says that the sister is pissed off and increasingly angry with Dad and OP about not visiting generally, it’s not clear whether she has been pushing for him to visit specifically post-op. As she only had the accident yesterday it’s possible that there has been no specific discussion and she probably doesn’t know exactly how self-sufficient she will be after the surgery.

FWIW OP, I think that you are vastly over-estimating how much help she will need after the operation. That is pretty clear from youbsaying that you thought it would be impossible for her to fly to the UK. You said she had been living in flat shares, but later talked about your Dad staying with her on the planned trip. Does she have her own place living alone now? Do you really know that her friends are shallow and unsupportive or is that just your own take on her social setup?

Your Dad sounds sensible, to be honest. If the relationship is a bit distant already, having him hang around when she is not on top form, with no local knowledge and no experience of travelling outside the UK, will just be extra hassle for her.

Far better to stick to the planned trip when she is fully recovered. And you are being ridiculous to say that you will go if he does not, when you have your own health issue, no money and a two year old! She is not seriously ill or disabled. You do realise that the Alps is full of people having sporting accidents all year round and has world class medical care as a result?

[Gwenhwyfar]

"I absolutely disagree that moving far away from family means you isolate yourself and shouldn't expect visitors. "

My dm never came to see me at uni. My dad only to drive me there.
I lived abroad for 10 years and my dm came once, df and siblings never. I wouldn't 'expect' them to come to be honest, and to be fair, when I visited them obviously got all my food paid for (very rude not to bring food for Christmas according to MN!) and sometimes got financial help with the travel costs as well.

I think it depends how close your family is as well. I don't have children and wouldn't do any personal care for my family e.g. having to take them to the toilet or wash them.

[ThePurpleHeffalump]

I don’t understand all the comparisons with other people’s families.
My extended family runs as a clan. We are emotionally very close and supportive, despite living physically many miles apart, having beliefs from christian tory to atheist communist and from unemployed to supertax bracket. If one member has a problem, help is available without questions.
That’s not what the OP describes. Her sister seems trapped in the annoying teen/early 20s stage some go throughout. AKA ‘It’s all about me’ stage.

[MachineBee]

I moved to another part of the UK 200 miles away but easily accessible by motorways. I’ve had the most ridiculous conversations with my DSis, who travels abroad several times a year and who travels a lot for events. But her reasoning is that I live too far away for her to visit me, but often in the same conversation she expects me to come to her because apparently it’s shorter travelling from where I live .

I’ve lived here for 8 years and she’s been twice. I go to her and to see my Dad 10 times a year.

My DD lived in Europe for 4 years and despite lots of promises the only family to visit her were me and my other DD.

Some people just won’t put themselves out for family, but do have a warped expectation that because you moved away you have to always be the one who returns to them to keep relationships going.

I can understand timid travellers (just) but seasoned holidaymakers - Nah! Just a power play!

OP - I’d stay out of the dialogue with your DF and DSis re this. But once you are in a better place and you’re both recovered, start planning a get together - either at yours, at hers, or meet midway on neutral ground.

[TatianaLarina]

My father would be completely useless in that scenario. He wouldn’t have any idea what to do, he can’t cook anything but bacon and eggs and he would drive me mad pacing around not knowing what to do with himself.

Some people are just not cut out for being nurse.

I don’t think you can force others to conform to your ideas.

[Chillijamntuna]

Thank you so much everyone, its hard with a family as small and intense as ours to see the wood for the trees.

My dad travels 100 miles to stay with me for the weekend every few months because he wants a relationship with his granddaughter but this always mightily upsets my sister who feels forgotten and lonely.


Also her friends out there receive regular family visits because they're mostly rich!

It has been ten years and for the first three years she was there I too was living abroad in Australia and NZ then I came back to the UK and lived in a Buddhist commune earning £100 per month for working there with free food and lodgings.

After this I got a minimum wage job and really struggled to get myself a phone, a car, you know the usual life set up is expensive.

I then got sick of always being poor so I went back to college and got my GCSEs and A levels for two years while working full time as a nanny along side my studies to fund this, I then went to university for four years and had to work outside my studies to afford my car, rent etc then finally I had to do my NQT year.

I got married, nursed my mum through cancer while I was pregnant, had a baby, worked as a teacher full time and all the while I have been paddling like crazy to keep my head above water.

Every couple of weeks me and my sister face time and each month I send her nice card and some english treats, we really do try with our limited resources to maintain our relationship. My dad rings her too but is often met with anger so is a bit repelled I think.

Teamed with everything I have been doing to better myself/ keep my financial situation afloat, I have had very little in the way of any kind of holiday at all.

I have explained all this to my sister but she just goes round where she lives telling everyone the story that she's practically an orphan.

Weirdly, I have made efforts to arrange to visit her from time to time over the years but there's always a reason that it won't be convenient or she is very hard to contact for months at a time (usually because I've said something she disagrees with on the phone)

I don't think Ive had one phone call with her since she's lived out there where she wasn't unhappy/ bringing up the past/ crying but if you saw her social media you'd think she was the happiest person in the world.

I think she has attachment issues because my mum had PND and left when she was a 2 month premature baby for my dad to look after so this is why I find it heart-breaking that he won't show up for her because she is quite damaged by her early years and lack of bond with our mum who was lovely but had schizophrenia and was more like the child all along.

So it's not cut and dry.

I think that seeing me and dad re-triggers old un-dealt with wounds for her and always ends in tears. Her friends seem to get a happier version of her but when she's in the UK she is utterly miserable.

Last year her and I had a huge row on the phone because she didn't even acknowledge my birthday at all apart from a photo of her on her instagram stories saying happy birthday.

Historically we have always sent each other box of treats (not expensive just thoughtful) and I was so saddened when I asked her why she said she didn't even have enough money to buy a card for me and was waiting until the end of the month to get paid. I told her that it worried me that she seemed to work 50 hour weeks yet count afford a card, she flew off the handle at me and we eventually made up because I apologised and I want my DD to know her auntie.

[MrsGrammaticus]

Actually I can see his point of view. He hasn't been over to see her and probably had a vision in his mind of having a nice holiday, seeing the sights etc ....not being stuck in a flat making small talk and cups of tea and shuttling too and from hospital all day long at some expense. Yabvu OP. I could guarantee it'd be the last trip he does.
She's an adult. She's been there decades. She could get herself back to the U.K. for family care or make local plans....,not expect everyone else to turn their worlds upside down. The broken bones not nice, but it's hardly life threatening.

[Sirzy]

It sounds like your trying to cling onto a relationship which isn’t there

[Buddytheelf85]

Fuck me, MN is a strange place sometimes. God forbid that anyone should have the temerity to move to Foreign Parts or actually enjoy themselves - all parental bonds are automatically severed if you do, apparently

Of course, the sister (who hasn't actually asked for help, despite being slagged off as selfish by multiple posters) can manage by herself post-op. The OP isn't saying she can't. The OP is suggesting that, as their DF is going out to see her anyway, he might adjust the timing so that he can help her out. But apparently that's too much to ask because the selfish bitch deserves all she gets for moving abroad and going biking. Or something

I know! I’ve been reading some of these replies just completely baffled. As you say it doesn’t sound like the sister has even requested this help - it’s a suggestion by the OP. Doesn’t seem like an unreasonable suggestion to me given the dad is going out anyway. And as for all the ‘foreign country’ comments - the dad’s happy enough to go when it suits him, and it’s France, not Papua New Guinea.