Should my dad look after my sister (34) after a big operation? I think he is being ridiculously selfish.

[Chillijamntuna]

My sister has lived abroad for many years in the French alps, she does downhill mountain biking and is very into the young exciting lifestyle.

She has been very bitter that my dad has only visited her once since she moved there in her twenties (it's quite an expensive resort) I suppose because she was the young free and single one, partying, working in bars and flat sharing, she has always popped back to the UK each year so me and my dad (Mum died) have been a bit shit and lazyI suppose (I have had money struggles and been gaining qualifications for 5 years) and she is pissed off and increasingly angry with me and mainly him about this.

Anyway, recently my dad said he'd bought a passport and was going to go and stay with her later in the summer.
Yesterday, she broke her collar bone in 3 places and will soon be going for surgery to repair it with pins and plates.

I said to my dad (thinking it would be an amazing opportunity for him to 'show up' for her) that he could bring his trip backwards and go out there to take care of her as she recovers from her operation.

He reacted SO strangely, he said "well she can't pick me up from the airport so that's £80 for starters on top of two flight to/from France in peak season" then how am I going to get from where she lives to the hospital, the hospital's in another town and what am I going to do when she gets out?" I said "err take care of her, show her that you care, make her cups of tea, help her with practical stuff" he said "well she's got loads of mates can't they just make her a cup of tea?" she doesn't really have mates that she can ask for help, they've all started having babies now and she is also very full of bravado and can't ask for help if it kills her.

I said that it wasn't really to do with money/ practical stuff/ cups of tea it was to do with showing he cares (she often feels he doesn't)

Anyway, I have just had surgery today myself, I am literally bankrupt at the moment and have a two year old but I will go out to care for her if he doesn't. He is living with his partner, in her house paying a portion of rent, has no debts/money worries, owns a property outright, is working a lot and enjoying life in the sense of buying himself things.

To be honest, I'm quite baffled at how selfish he is being. He then got all shirty and said "I'm a good dad". So odd and childish.

The backstory is pretty long so I'll spare you but he brought us up single handedly so maybe he now wants to do what he wants to do but we've never been needy and both me and my sister have always stood on our own two feet and not asked for anything as adults.

IABU to suggest that he do this?

[itsallgoingsouth]

Well that's a lot of extra info in your last post, OP! It's all about context. Your sister has a backstory for feeling her family don't step up enough for her and I would say you and your father could have visited more often over the years. There are affordable ways to travel now- budget airlines booked well in advance etc. However, you've obviously made an effort with facetime, cards etc She doesn't always reciprocate and a tangle of resentment and recrimination has built up.

The problem lies more with your dad.

All the same, I understand his reasons not to make his first trip in ages to see her one where he's stressed in an unfamiliar country/language, financially stretched and has to play nurse. Does she really need or want him there then other than to prove a point? Could be very counterproductive.

[Pinktinker]

She has isolated herself moving out there. You can’t move to another country and expect your relatives to come visit regularly, it just isn’t fair. She’s also moved somewhere extremely pricey so financially will be an issue. It doesn’t sound as though she has built a real support network for herself out there either. She has friends but they don’t sound like very close friends if she can’t ask them for help...

That aside, he is still her Dad and he should want to go help her. You don’t stop being a parent once your child turns 18 and the desire to help your children shouldn’t really disappear. He should want to go give her some support really.

[Reallybadidea]

Your update about your sister is desperately sad. She must have felt so rejected by your mum and if your dad has made virtually no effort to go and visit, it maybe feels like he's rejecting her too. She sounds very lucky to have you though.

[Notcopingwellhere]

The back story is relevant. You’ve all had a tough family life due to your Mum’s problems and then she died a little over 2 years ago (I say this on the basis that you said you nursed tour Mum when you were pregnant and you have a 2 year old.) That is a hell of a lot going on. Your sister sounds brittle and conducting the family relationship at a distance is not going to help. However you focussing on detail like not getting a birthday present is not really going to be helpful. It looks like she ran away from her problems and has not really dealt with them fully.

I’m presuming she’s single? From the perspective of someone who was single through her thirties, it may be difficult for her to accept seeing you with a partner and child. Perhaps she will find a partner and some peace that way eventually.

[VirginiaWolfHall]

It sounds as if your dad feels deeply hurt that after so many years of raising you and your sister single-handedly she has buggered off to another country and made little effort herself to keep in touch with him. Instead she goes around feeling sorry for herself and making out that she’s been hard done by.

I get that she has issues surrounding your mother. I would suggest that she gets off ‘living her best life’ on social media and gets some therapy instead. Or at least try to address the issue by you know, calling your dad and maybe talking to him about the way she feels. If she’s tried several times to do that already and he’s being an arse then maybe he too needs to therapy to get over his bitterness.

It all sounds like a bit of a mess really that started when your mother left. Now she is dead I think you might all be looking for someone to hang the blame on.

A family get together round the table and an air of grievances in a professional setting with a therapist would probably be the best solution however it sounds as if that would take an enormous amount of will-power and maturity in all sides, along with a strong sense of all actually wanting to resolve relationships is the issue.

Your sister feels short-changed and she is surrounded by big wealthy families all ‘having the best relationships ever’. Even though this probably isn’t the case and your sister is seeing life through an insta filter.

Best of luck op, but please don’t jump at your dad for being ‘selfish’. He would have sacrificed a lot for you and your dsis as you were growing up. He probably feels as if all that is being thrown back in his face while having to deal with his own heartbreak at losing his wife at an early age, emotionally -and then later - actually.

[VirginiaWolfHall]

Sorry for typos and grammar - I write in a hurry and forget to read over what i’ve Written.

[MatildaTheCat]

Given your update I would guess that if your dad were to offer to go she would find an excuse for him not to visit.

She does sound sad and messed up.

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

If your dad has only just got a passport I can imagine that he finds the idea very daunting - finding his way around a new place, transport, shopping, etc., especially if he doesn't speak the language. Looking after someone is a very different thing from a normal visit when the resident would presumably be looking after the visitor and trying to make sure they enjoyed themselves.

And I don't see why your sister is 'bitter' about your dad not visiting before. We lived abroad for a long time and never expected family to visit us, though it was nice if they did. It was much more often the other way around.

[Witchend]

Virginia I totally agree with you.

I wonder if the people saying "it's no problem" are people who travel a lot. I don't. I've never had a passport. It would feel much more daunting to me to travel to a country I didn't know, didn't speak the language etc. than for dh who's travelled a lot through work, or my friend who doesn't travel a huge amount, but speaks several languages fluently.


But she hasn't asked for help. She may not need or want any help. My gran (who lived alone and didn't have a huge supply of friends) did a bad break of her collarbone and arm in her 70s falling on ice. Her reaction when my dad asked her if she needed extra help was a resounding no. She then thought a minute and added, that she could do with someone to do the button on her shirt cuff up. She would have been furious if dad had gone down to help her-very independent she was.

[Swoopinggulls]

From your last post it seems that your father has had quite a hard time of it, and then for several years both his daughters were abroad.

As they get older people often get more stuck in their ways and find individual travel abroad daunting, yes, even those who've previously travelled a lot, which your father hasn't, and he had maybe developed a protective shell too. If he tries to phone your sister and gets a hard time, it's not totally surprising that there's an issue now.

[PinkSparklyPussyCat]

Your dad sounds selfish not visiting his daughter in 20 years shes lived there. No wonder shes cross

Why? She chose to live abroad in what the OP describes as an expensive resort. If you choose to move away it's not up to other people to pay to visit you.

If he's only just got a passport then he clearly hasn't travelled very much. There's no way I would travel on my own abroad.

[XXcstatic]

I agree with PPs that your DSis is desperate to be nurtured by her family. At the same time, with everything she has been through, she is probably also terrified of rejection. This is why she asks you to visit, then makes it hard for you to do so - she is getting her rejection in first, because it is less frightening for her to do that than to let you reject her (not saying that you would, but this is what she fears).

She would probably really benefit from some counselling.

[VirginiaWolfHall]

Thanks Witchend

Op, I also think that you and your sister have been escaping the real issues all these years. You have buried your head in you studies (and done amazingly by the way) and your sis by going abroad and being ‘exciting’. I know a couple of people who have done this - funnily enough to French ski resorts too! - and it’s all about the escaping from deeply families. Life out there is very transient and there are a lot of trusti types out in places like that - along with Ibiza, Goa etc - escaping life and responsibilities in general. Most have the family funds to afford the freedom and fun times. Others, like your sister, don’t, and that can feel very crappy if you aren’t from an exciting and glamorous background. Your sister will have probably been affected by these attitudes.

Disclaimer: not all that move to above places are like this, but from my own personal experience from many moons ago a lot are. Hope I’m making sense!!

[VirginiaWolfHall]

Sorry that was meant to say deeply disfunctional families. I have a foreign keyboard set up that tends to pick up certain words that it doesn’t recognise and delete them!!

[CaptainJaneway62]

It's a broken collar bone!
I had the same and had to look after myself in my 40s. It is not impossible it just needs some planning.
If she has friends they will help her.
Why worry about a situation you have no control over?
It's not up to you or your dad to sort out this situation no matter if the family are close or not.
She lives in a different country by choice.
If she wants help she can fly home with Airport/Airline Assistance.

[Belenus]

As a parent, I would bloody make the effort to go and see my child.

My parents retired to mainland Europe over 20 years ago. For the first 5 years they were there I was in a well-paid job and I would visit 2 or 3 times a year. They never came back here. Their first visit back was for a friend's child's wedding. I was living about 50 miles away from the wedding venue and initially they had no plans to visit me. It was only when I snapped "do I have to get married or pregnant for you to bother?" that they sort of woke up to the situation. Unless you've been in a situation where families are split between countries it can be difficult to understand the dynamics. Even then, each case will be different.

For many of us it isn't as simple as hopping on a plane. For some people £100 is an enormous amount of money to find. So yes, if someone moves they have to accept that it will change the dynamic of family relationships. If I have 20 days annual leave a year I don't necessarily want to use half of those, every year for years and years, visiting one family member. So yes, I'll phone and write, and message and Skype. But it really does make the thing so much harder than it is when you can pop down the road and have a cup of tea with your mum. Unless you've been there, and I get that many on this thread probably have, you can't really understand how much harder it can be.

[HorridHenrysNits]

That was quite an update. Honestly, I dont know why you're assuming that your sister would welcome your dad being around her when she's recovering and incapacitated, if she usually reacts with anger even to phone contact. You're assuming something would be a kindness and nothing you've said suggests you can assume she would see it that way.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

It doesn't sound as if your sister would want your Dad to 'take care of her; to be honest, it sounds as though she would be taking care of him (cannot speak the language, unfamiliar surroundings etc).

Has anyone actually asked her?

A broken collar bone really isn't that big a deal. If she has friends who can rally around, she'll be fine.

[diddl]

How did the one visit he made go?

Perhaps it put him off spending his AL there if it didn't go well?

That combined with her always being miserable when she visits UK...

(Where does she stay?)

[HorridHenrysNits]

Yes that's a good point. The previous planned trip involved your sister looking after your dad. With the best will in the world, if he doesnt speak the language and lacks confidence and familiarity with the surroundings, none of which he can simply snap out of, it might well end up with Dsis feeling she has to look after him.

[ComeAndDance]

@Belenus Well I have been living the life being in different country or even continent than family since I was 8yo. So I have a quite good experience there.
I always managed to keep relationships going. With parents/grand parents and in some ways extended family.

We haven’t always seen each other every year (hard when you are overseas). Not even a phone call every week (think about the cost of international calls 40 years ago!)).
But the people I or my parents have lost touch with are people who they didn’t get on with. Eg my dad’s parents.

@Chillijamntuna, you won’t solve the issue with your dad and your dsis. It must be very sad to watch but I can see why it would. Be hard for her to see your dad making an effort for you every other month but not for her. She sounds sad and. Hurt and somehow jealous too.
Please remember that things might not have. Been easy for her either. The flat sharing for years isn’t usual in France and tells me she has had her own struggles too.

[pennypineapple]

If it were my daughter then I would go. I don't really get the "nervous traveller" stuff to be honest, it's France not the moon. If it's a tourist area it's likely that some people will speak a bit of English - enough to allow him to do basic things like get a bus and buy groceries.

But then I used to live abroad (not France but another country in Western Europe) and my family came to visit 2-3 times a year! I guess people just have very different perceptions of what is normal when it comes to stuff like this.

[Bandara]

My father didn't see me for 19 years.

There are a whole range of parents.

[kateandme]

my parents would go in an instants.when my brother and sister are ill,even if not and they need mum and dad they go.(or boy find his way home to us,and we wake to find a lump in his bed haha) but we love him for it.that he can stil count on us.still wants us for that.

[kateandme]

i would go.actually the fact i could go to france for it would be a bloody great bonus!